Matt of All Trades blog, like the title suggests, is by a Vermont author and offers offbeat musings on pop culture, media, journalism, humor, weirdness, stupid people, smart people, my life as a journalist, landscaper, photographer, married gay man, dog lover and weather geek and more. It's run by me, Matt Sutkoski, a native Vermonter living in St. Albans, Vt.
Maybe this is a bad angle, but I don't see
Jesus in this kudzu
I dunno, to me, it just looks like a tangle of vines on a pole and wires, but what do I know?
Normally, kudzu is regarded as an invasive weed in the south that's nearly impossible to control and takes over everything.
Not this kudzu. It's Holy Kudzu.
I suppose if you use your imagination, it looks vaguely like a figure on a cross, but really, I doubt Jesus looked like a dense mat of leaves and stems, do you?
The best quote in the article about the kudzu Jesus is the guy who usually likes to spray kudzu with the herbicide Roundup. But not this patch of kudzu. It's Jesus, after all. "You can't spray Jesus with Roundup," the guy said.
Yes, it is rude to spray someone with Roundup.
What would Jesus do about people who think they see him in kudzu infestations or slices of toast, anyway?
In particular regards to the North Carolina Jesus kudzu, it will keep growing. Will its alleged resemblance to Jesus fade? Or turn into something else? I'd hate to see it turn into something that looks like Ozzy Osborne or something, with all due respect to Ozzie.
From the idiot who last year gave us a video of himself using a lawnmower to trim his hedges, we now have a new way to kill ourselves.
The self-described "World's Strongest Redneck" is still trying to trim his hedges. As you can see by the video, he has attached his chainsaw to a, well chain. He swings it around his head, brushing the shrubs, thereby trimming them.
Seriously.
Watch the video for yourself. The usual snarky comment from me is below the video.
As somebody commented on YouTube, "this dude is a Darwin Award just waiting to happen."
The guy is such a moron that if the chainsaw hit him in the head, it would just wreck the chainsaw, as if it hit a concrete post.
I wonder what he will try next. My guess is explosives to shear the shrubs. My suggestion: Just get rid of the damn shrubs. Or maybe keep the shrubs because they'll eventually help kill this guy off.
The other night, I was sitting on the couch at home in St. Albans, Vermont, mindlessly watching television, when I felt somebody outdoors was watching me.
These pansies on my back deck as viewed through
my living room door, resemble a boisterous
audience interested in what's going on around them.
As I've noted before, we've just installed big new glass doors and windows in the living room, Was somebody out there? I just felt there were some faces that seemed interested in what I was doing.
I looked outside and figured it out. The yellow pansies in a planter on the deck resembled faces, with expressions suggesting curiosity about me and what's going on around them. Look at the pic in this post to see what I mean.
It's funny how inanimate objects seem to have personalities, at least in my mind. Flowers in particular. Daffodils are enthusiastic. "Hi there,!" they seem to cheerily shout as they announce the arrival of spring. Sunflowers are loud extroverts, the life of the party. Irises are friendly old aunts. Tulips remind of me of haughty Champagne sippers. Zinnias are like clots of happily chattering school children in a playground. Lilacs are warm, heavily perfumed matrons of a certain age.
Yes, I know I'm being a bit insane here. But I guess that's one of the reasons why I want to keep planting flowers and perennials around the house. The more personalities brightening the property, the better.
I was struck by the following quote in the New York Times today, by a guy observing a political blogger who many say doesn't really think facts are all that important
"There are no standards of facts anymore for a lot of people. We have gone from selecting sources of opinion that we agree with to selecting facts we agree with," was the quote.
I have noticed this phenomenon. Politicians of all stripes more so than ever say things that are demonstrably, unquestionably falsehoods, but people believe them. Because they want to. Nowadays, if a politician repeats the old saw that there will be a chicken in every pot, lots of people will go to their kitchens, look into their pots and pans and fully expect to find a chicken.
A chicken, nicely prepared with spices, lovely side dishes and and perfect dessert of strawberries and ice cream.
I have been depressed about this trend of people not considering for a moment whether something is factual or even possible. But maybe if you can't beat them join them. If I want something to be true, it will come true. I'll just live in Never Never Land. Why be left behind? I'll join the crowd.
So henceforth, every rainstorm that hits my house will be mixed with gold coins that I can scoop up and use to buy personal slaves that will do all my bidding when I want them to.
Everything will always go my way, everybody will fawn over me and I will live healthy and strong and happy for the next three million years at least.
Naysayers say all this is impossible. The facts don't support it. But facts don't matter anymore, remember? So. I'm going home now. It rained last night. Which means I have lots of gold coins I have to shovel off my driveway.
Landau Eugene Murphy, 36, a car wash attendant from West Virginia, is surely a hero in the minds of the folks over at America's Got Talent.
The other night, he provided just the kind of television that producers of AGT surely want. I was among millions who ate up his appearance. I loved it.
You can watch the seven minute clip in the video in this blog post. It is worth watching. It's great TV, especially once they get out of the preliminary stuff he Murphy goes on stage.
As you can see in the video, Murphy ambled out onto the stage with his unruly dreadlocks and his kind of shabby clothes. He was chewing gum. He seemed like a nice guy, but also a little awkward. He didn't seem ready for prime time, really.
Judge Piers Morgan ordered Murphy to put the gum away. Murphy did so by stuffing it into his jeans pocket.
Sharon Osborne asked what he was going to do. He said he was going to follow his dream. She looked doubtful. So did Morgan and fellow judge Howie Mandel.
Then Murphy opened his mouth to sing, and out came this gorgeous Frank Sinatra voice. He brought the house down.
The three surprised celebrity judges heaped praise on Murphy. "Your life is never going to be the same," Mandel told Murphy, a prediction I have no doubt will come true. Mandel's remarks, and the enthusiasm coming from the audience so overwhelmed Murphy that he burst into tears.
Will America's Got Talent greatly help, or hurt
Landau Eugene Murphy?
I so want Murphy to succeed, but I worry a bit that his appearance this week on AGT will be the best part of his radically changed life. I worry about people who are plucked from obscurity and made into instant stars.
There's money to be made from talented people like Landau Eugene Murphy. And why not? He can make a living singing, and the record companies, the promoters and all those other people in the industry can share in some of the wealth.
But a lot of big industries, including the talent industry, are full of sharks. People will take advantage of Murphy, take more than their share of his money, overwork him, make him do things he has misgivings about, chew him up and spit him out.
Yes, I'm cynical. And I don't mean to be patronizing toward Murphy. From what little I know about him, he seems smart enough. Even so, this has hit him like an avalanche. Nobody can be fully prepared for it, especially since he has no experience here. AGT was the first audition and his first public performance as a singer. He can't know all the tricks of the behind the scenes trade yet.
Plus, no human is perfect. I'm not. You're not. Murphy is not.
The Landau Eugene Murphy story arc will be familiar. Somebody gets a big notice and they're celebrated. Then the entertainment reports dig, and find the skeletons in the closet. And you know everybody has them. They'll dig up a prior arrest, something he did or said that was stupid, a failed job, a failed relationship or any other failure and play it up. Build him up, tear him down.
They do that to everybody. Everybody hungers for such an arc, and there's money to be made constructing the story arc.
Now that AGT has got me and many others firmly in Laudau Eugene Murphy's camp, I really hope he has the wherewithal to withstand the greedy people circling him. Unexpected success like Murphy's is like blood in the water. Right now, Murphy is the last person I want to see become shark food.
Everything nowadays is caught on tape, and a recent, bizarre hit and run crash in Pennsylvania is no exception. So why do people do dumb things in public, then pretend nobody saw them?
The surveillance tapes, as you can see in the video below, from the store in Pennsylvania shows a 7-11 store employee, minding his own business, changing the garbage bags in the trash cans in front of the store. A car swerves into the parking lot, bounces off another car, then crashes into the store employee and the store itself.
The crash sends the employee through the glass window into the store. (The employee was injured but is recovering)
What happens next is strange, if you are a student of human behavior. As soon as the dust settles, a passenger in the car casually gets out and walks away, as if she decided she's in the mood to go buy a Slurpee or something.
The car backs out from the store, and another passenger in the back seat of the car tumbles out an open door of the car onto the pavement.
According to NBC Philadelphia reporter David Chang, both passengers later got into the car, which drove off. Police already interviewed our alleged Slurpee customer, who ID'd the driver, according to Chang's report. Police also have their hands on the car.
The driver of the car is supposedly a nurse, and police are looking for her. I guess she was off duty, which might explain why she didn't try to help anybody.
So, OK, why was everybody involved so casual? If I'd slammed into a store with my truck, I'd be in hysterics. Were they casual because they drive into people and buildings as a matter of course and the whole things is just old hat?
Or do they do worse things, so injuring a person and trashing a building with their car is no big deal? Weren't they at least a little curious about the guy they hit? Weren't they aware that every convenience store on the planet these days is bristling with surveillance cameras as a tool against robbery and other crime?
Or were these people just trying to set a new record for stupidity?
Inquiring minds want to know, and I'm sure the fine reporters of television stations and newspapers and blogs around Pennsylvania will try to fill us in once Little Nurse Crash and Slam is arrested.
