Alex Jones Is Looking To Hire. Sane People Need Not Apply

Would you work for this guy? He's hiring. 

I love picking on Alex Jones because he's such an easy target, and let's face it, I'm a bully.

The latest news, as reported in the Huffington Post and other news outlets, is Jones is looking to hire more employees at his batshit InfoWars network.

As the Huffington Post notes, a lot of people had a lot of fun making tongue-in-cheek  "job inquiries" on social media.

Some of my favorites:

--- Does your insurance plan cover chemtrails?

--- I will have my lizard people send uou my resume via chemtrail, as we discussed earlier telepathically.

 --- Do you provide tin foil hats, or do I have to provide my own?

--- Does the commitment have to be court-ordered, or is voluntary commitment sufficient?

--- What is the preferred number of false flag jobs a candidate needs in their resume?

After Handing Michelle Obama Dad's Resume, Girl AND Dad Should Get Hired

You have to hand it to this little girl.

Michelle Obama hugs the girl who gave the
First Lady her dad's resume.  

The 10 year old was at the White House's annual "Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day."  Her mom works at the White House, but her dad is unemployed and looking for a job.

So the girl did what any sensible person would do. Go directly to the top.  When she got the chance to meet Michelle Obama, she handed the First Lady her father's resume. 

"My dad's been out of a job for three years and I wanted to give you his resume," Charlotte Bell said.

Michelle Obama gave the girl a hug. The two chatted a bit and the event went on

When the thing was over, Obama was seen leaving the room, resume in hand, hopefully to give it to the White House HR director.  

Maybe the dad AND the girl will get hired. After all, the kid showed initiative.

The Ultimate Positive Spin On A Resume

We're always told that we need to put ourselves in the best possible light when writing a resume for a job hunt.

You don't want to lie, that will just get you in trouble in the long run. But you do want to show what you've learned from work and life experiences and how you would apply that background to the job.

Somebody did an awesome job of that when circulating the resume you see in this post. (Click on it and make it bigger and more readable)

As you can see, he was an entrepreneur, but in the pot business. Still, it prepared him for the world of legitimate work, at least according to his resume:

He notes he had "an intuitive understanding of supply and demand economics."

True, that, if you're dealing with highly popular pot.

He said he was good with money, had his own delivery service and had a "consistent clientele with high customer satisfaction."

On that last part, it's unclear whether his customers were highly satisfied or just high, but you get the picture.

Judging from the applicant's more recent job history, he went straight, and seemed to get himself into more legitimate lines of work. And it looks like his pot dealing days helped him do well at his conventional jobs.

Frankly, I hope this guy got hired. If I was looking for an employee, I would seriously consider this dude.

Best Job Rejection Letter Ever

I've recently been in that job hunting mode, the whole thing with resumes, cover letters, being nice, professional looking, that whole thing.

It's paying off, but that's because I've been well, nice, professional looking, the whole thing.

And truthful. And sane. Those two things help when you're meeting with would-be employers.

Which is why the guy to whom the letter in this post was sent. (Click on it to "embiggen" it)

I guess Cadbury wasn't looking for bribes, spies, and recommedations from Ebay when trying to hire a Global Quality Manager.

Hmmm. Maybe I'll apply to Cadbury.  I won't suggest any products that scare the company. I promise.

Major Transition: I'm No Longer A Reporter At the Burlington Free Press

The inevitable happened today.

I was laid off from my job as a reporter at the Burlington Free Press in Burlington, Vermont.

I say it was inevitable because the newspaper industry is struggling, and newspapers have been shedding jobs for years.

This is only the latest round of industry layoffs. At last check, at least 170 people had lost their jobs this week at Gannett, the owner of the Burlington Free Press and numerous other papers and media outlets.

From what I understand, I was among 13 people to lose their jobs at the Free Press. I guess it was my turn to face the axe.

Of course, I should have been preparing for this, saving more money than I have been, updating my resume more than I have, but you always hope against hope it doesn't happen to you. Subconsciously, probably, I didn't do more to prepare because I didn't want to jinx the gig.

Which makes no sense, of course, but brains are funny things. Brains like mine are an endless well of odd thoughts and superstitions. Even if I am rational most of the time. Go figure.

I'll be OK, of course. I'm still sorting things out today, so I haven't really formulated a real plan. This just happened a few hours ago, for Chrissakes!

It was a weird moment when Executive Editor Michael Townsend  brought me into an office and let me know what was going on.  Yes, I was the one being let go, but I didn't envy Townsend. He's had to lay off people before, and I know how much he hates to do that.  I hope today was the last time he'll have to break such news to his employees.

A human resources specialist from Rochester, N.Y. was in there to go over how to apply for unemployment, deal with disentangling myself from Gannett and move on.  

The HR lady -- she told me her name, but I was a bit distracted by the situation and it didn't register -- was polite in an efficient sort of way. You could tell she's done this many times before. Which is in itself sad. I wonder if having to do that to people getting laid off makes her sad. I kind of felt bad for her.

As for myself, I knew immediately the worst thing I could do is get all emotional.   It's funny, when a minor bad thing happens to me, like I stub my toe or spill my Diet Coke, I have to contain a certain amount of frustration.

When a bigger bad thing happens, like when I got run over by a semi-truck, or our dog Bailey died, or when I got laid off from the Free Press today, I stayed calm and collected.

Of course, getting laid off from the Free Press might not necessarily be a bad thing, at least not a bad thing like getting run over by a semi or having a beloved dog die.

Unlike the other two scenarios, there's plenty I can do about the situation. Look for another job, of course. I'm faced with a clean slate, which is simultaneously scary and thrilling.

I know there's not a  zillion jobs out there and employers won't necessarily be beating down  my door to hire me.  But, having been a journalist for so long means I certainly know how to communicate, which for almost any job is half the battle.

I can also sit back and think about what other interests I have besides journalism. Is there something else that has been bubbling in the back of my weird brain, waiting to come out as a vocation? Now's the time to consider it.

The only thing I'm truly upset about is the effect my layoff has on other people. My husband Jeff is already talking about cutting back on things. I can tell he's worried about it, though he says his main worry is my well being.

I believe him, of course, but I do want to fix things so he doesn't feel like he has to worry. Why should my situation drag him down?

I worry about Barb, the wonderful lady that takes care of our Jackson the Cocker Spaniel.  We'll have to bring Jackson less often there, to save money for now.

So, I'll spend the next several days figuring things out. Luckily, I'm resilient enough so that I'm not angry, depressed, or overwhelmingly scared. Those negative emotions are understandable, but they paralyze you, get in the way of moving on, and prevent one from continuing life's journey.

Life's journey is too much fun to abandon, so believe me, I'm staying in the game more so than ever before.

I'll land squarely on my feet. I just don't know where yet. Wherever I do land, it will be surprising and cool and different and refreshing.

I feel it in my bones.

Could This Be My Perfect Summer Job?

In a job posting that at intial glance sounds just perfect for me, they're looking for someone who loves the outdoors and has a loud voice.

That's me!

A nice cool summer job is available in Norway
if you are good at spotting one of these.  

The summer job in question is for a Norwegian polar bear spotter.

The polar bear spotter is needed so that researchers on a remote island can do their work without constantly looking over their shoulders to see any polar bears that might think the researchers are lunch.

Of course, the fine print for the job posting has one necessary qualification that might put me at a disadvantage. First of all, the successful candidate needs to have good polar bear spotting skills.

I don't know what that means. If such skills refer to seeing a big white bear and going, "Oh, my gosh! That's a polar bear!" I can do that. But I don't know if there's more to it than that.

The best candidate for this job should also be proficient with firearms, just in case the polar bear manages to attack.

That could be problematic, because I fear I might be clumsy with guns.

On the bright side, the people offering the job say the polar bear spotter might not ever have to use a firearm "as long as they have a loud voice."

I hope the job application isn't in Norwegian.

The Great Car Talk Bad Pun Employee Roster

One of the joys of the NPR show "Car Talk" is the employee credits at the end. They make up ridiculous job titles, and bad puns for the names of these employees.

Tom and Ray Magliozzi, the Car Talk guys, have
an incredible roster of aptly named employees.

For instance, we all know the law firm they rely upon is Dewey Cheatham and Howe. Their Russian chauffer is Pikov Andropov.

Now, in the interest of public service, Click and Clack have listed everybody who has ever worked at their headquarters at Car Talk Plaza. There's hundreds of 'em. It's a fantastic time waster if you like silly, groaner puns like me.

Some of my favorites out of the list of hundreds include:

Local News Reporter: Phil Mataleven
Anger Management Coach: Kirsten Hollered.
Bail Bond Provider: Freida Gogh.
Chief Accountant: Candace B. Rittenoff
Chief Information Officer: Otto Delupe
Children's Music Programmer: Al Lowetta
Conflict Resolution Specialist: Hugo Origo.
Corporate Spokesman: Hugh Lyon Sak
Director of Country Music: Stan Beyerman
Book Reviewer: Odessa Paige Turner
Emergency Preparedness Director: Ron Lykell
Lighting Director: Shanda Lear
Martial Arts Trainer: Anita Degroine
Pedestrian Advocate: Jay Walker
Press Secretary: Don B Zonozzi
Second shift meteorologist: Claudio Vernite

Feel free, readers, to make up your own names of people to match their corresponding jobs.

Bad Boss Starts Contest, Employees Flee

Want a job?

I bet there's openings at QC Mart.   I also bet you don't want to work there, even if you're down to your last dime and living in a discarded refrigerator box down by the railroad yard,

Turns out he boss, William Ernst of the Iowa-based chain of convenience stores, had a nice little contest for employees, where he encouraged them to guess which coworker would get fired next, according to the Des Moines Register. 

The lucky store clerk who stabbed his co-worker in the back and accurately predicted the firing would win, get this, a whopping $10. Whoopee!!!

Some employees objected to this contest, and quit. All this came to light when one of the employees filed for unemployment, Ernst contested it, and the case went to a judge.

Said Administrative Law Judge, Susan Ackerman, sided with the employee: She said, in part:
"The employer's actions have clearly created a hostile work environment by suggesting its employees turn on each other for a minimal monetary prize," she wrote. "This was an intolerable and detrimental work environment."

Too bad Ackerman is such a killjoy. I imagine her ruling will discourage other employers from creating any more, um, innovative, employee contests.  Imagine the other cruel contests employers could dream up, just to be mean. (That seems to be the American way, in the eyes of a few employers out there)

Maybe a $20 prize for the correct guess as to which co-worker keels over and dies next because they have no insurance.  How about $25 for the person who correctly guesses how many pints of blood another co-worker loses during an accident with faulty equipment.

Here in Vermont, we don't have any QC Marts, so we can't join in the fun of this happy little corporation.  So we'll just have to marvel at the company's unique management style from afar.