Why I Don't Like Ceding Control To Technology

Kim Novak was rescued from a burning car by Police Officer
Tim Schwering, but the rescue would not have been necessary
had the door locks and windows not been fully electronic.
Wouldn't it have been better if the car allowed Novak to
manually open the door and escape herself? 

A news report from KTLA in Los Angeles earlier this month is more proof as to why I don't like letting technology always do the work for me.

I like my Toyota Tacoma, but the one thing I dislike about it is I have to hit a button to electronically role the windows up or down.  

Gone are the days of the hand crank.

I know, I know it's sooooo much work having to work the crank than just hitting the button.

But one day, it will rebel against you. This doesn't happen to often, but it does.

Which leads me to the KTLA story.

It involves a woman named Kim Novak who was driving down a street in Spokane, Washington and the car suddenly died. The engine caught fire. But the doors locked themselves, and the window controls did not work. She was trapped in the burning car.

In the old days, all Novak would have had to do is open the car door and get out. Or failing that, roll down the window using the hand crank and spring out to safety.

No, now, we have to die in burning cars because - technology!

On the bright side, technology ultimately saved the Novak. She called 911 and police were nearby.

Windows these days in cars seem to be shatterproof, so the 911 dispatcher's advice that the woman trapped in the car kick out the windows didn't work. They wouldn't budge.

Finally, a cop came and with a lot of work, was able to smash out the window with his baton. He and another good Samaritan got the woman out just in the knick of time, just before the car was fully engulfed in flames.

As you can see in the video, the "safety glass" almost killed the woman, too.  The cop wearing the bodycam really had to hack away at the window for the longest time to get the woman out of the car.

Also, note some of the comments on the video from people who agree with me: Why the hell are the locks in the car fully electronic? Why can't there be manual back up?

The automatic door locks are a small but annoying inconvenience for me. Say my truck is safely parked in my driveway, and I'm working outside, retrieving tools from the truck from time to time. If the windows are rolled up, sometimes the truck just suddenly locks the doors.

If I left the keys in the truck, maybe because I was planning on going to the store in a few minutes, I'm screwed. It's another thing I have to remember: Never leave the keys in the truck because I might get locked out.

What if I temporarily have my dogs in the car with the keys. They can get lock inside. That happened to us once, and we had to get a locksmith to free the dogs. What if it had been sunny and hot. Our dogs could have died.

There have been several instances of kids accidentally being locked in cars. Isn't that dangerous? Why can't we have manual locks?

Car makers don't like manual locks and windows because they've convinced the public they are must-haves. And now there's supposedly no room for both manual and electronic controls on door panels.

Granted, this is a First World problem. But still. I don't like it. Automakers: Just let me do some of the work for myself. Don't do everything for me. I want to have at least a little control.

Here's the video of the rescue from that locked car in Spokane:



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Bah-Humbug! Lots Of Reasons To Hate Christmas

You're supposed to be exceedingly cheerful at Christmas.  That's the demand.

I'm going to break the rules here.  Christmas is not all it's cracked up to be.

Don't get me wrong, if Christmas makes you happy, then great! I'd never want to take away your joy.

I'm just saying that if there are aspects of the holiday you don't like, it's time to rebel against the Christmas dictators who demand, demand, demand that the holiday be just one great big orgy of joy, no matter how you really feel.

BE HAPPY

I'll start with that Christmas rule: Always be insanely cheerful.

Now, there's nothing at all wrong with being happy. Who doesn't want to be happy?

The problem is the Christmas Powers That Be demand that you be happy. You don't get to choose your emotions. Or feel how you really feel.

If you're starring in that proverbial country song, the one where your wife left you, the dog died, the truck won't start, you got evicted from your house and you're out of beer, too bad! Smile! Ho, ho ho!

Forget decking the halls. If I were in that situation I'd want to deck whoever was demanding that I be happy because it's Christmas.

BE PERFECT

The other demand at Christmas is that everything has to be perfect. You need to decorate the house just so; you, your relatives and friends must all behave perfectly at all times and complete the humanly impossible task of never making a mistake.

Again, it's all good to try to be nice, try to do your decorating nicely, have nice holiday gatherings, but why the pressure to make things perfect. One of the things I like most about my friends and family is that they're terrific, but not perfect. I'm certainly not perfect, either.

Why can't we all just let people be who they are at Christmas? It's against the rules, apparently

TORTURING THE MENTALLY ILL

Speaking of perfect, some people are simply mentally incapable of making everything just right. Take me: I have ADHD. I don't use that as an excuse for my mistakes, because I try to compensate for my short attention span and frustrations by working at my strengthts, learning from my mistakes, and doing any mental trick I can to focus.

At Christmas, though, that's not good enough. In the pursuit of perfection, you have to juggle thousands of details to get things just right. Because Christmas demands that you be perfect, dammit! And wipe that frown from your face! We already went over being insanely happy!!

Lose track of one thing, forget one detail, and you've ruined everything, according to the Christmas rules. You can imagine the pressure that bears on people with ADHD.

My ADHD is a minor issue. What about people who have serious mental issues?

It turns out that the idea that there are more suicides around Christmas is a total myth. However, people prone to stress, who already have enough pressures in their life, tend to go off at Christmas, at least from my observations.

That's part of the reason why you have those fatal stampedes on Black Friday as people scramble to get that perfect gift that's almost sold out. (See, there's that damn word "perfect" again!)

I work in customer service. The vast majority of customers I work with are really nice. But a few just go off like CRAZY if we've sold out of something or something has gone wrong with a delivery. Is it really a national tragedy that we've run out of white amaryllis plants but still have plenty of red ones?

To a few people, the answer is yes.

HOLIDAY MUSIC IS HORRIBLE

Speaking of torture, holiday music is what sends me off the deep end. It's either so saccharine that I go into a diabetic coma, or it's so maudlin I want to strangle someone. Or the holiday music is off-the-charts stupid.

C'mon. Barking dogs singing "Jingle Bells?"  The song "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" is one of the most popular Christmas songs ever. Really?

Then there are those icky sad songs, because, here we go again, the songwriter is upset that they violated the "Happy, Perfect" rule of Christmas. So we get obnoxious sad sacks crying, "I'll be home for Christmas, but only in my dreams."

Dude, just book a flight home during your next vacation! It doesn't have to be at Christmas, despite what the Christmas fascists tell you.

Then there's, "I'm Dreaming of A White Christmas," which brings me to my next issue:

DOES IT HAVE TO SNOW?

What's with the obsession with snow at Christmas? It's not Christmas, apparently, unless it's snowing, or at least there's snow on the ground.

I almost never see Christmas images without snow. It must make the people who live in places like Florida feel terrible. (Even though they're not supposed to feel terrible because it's Christmas!)

Frankly, Christmas snow often just gets in the way. The snow grounds that flight that would have taken you to Grandma's house for the holidays. Then again, the trip would have probably been wasted, since old Grandma got run over by that stupid reindeer.

This Christmas, the snow epicenter of the United States appears to be North Dakota, where a holiday blizzard is forecast. Would you really want to get in your car to see family only to die in a frigid whiteout on a North Dakota highway?

DIdn't think so.

Yes, the snow can be pretty and clean and white, but who wants to shovel a foot of pretty and clean and white from the driveway, you know, to make everything perfect?

OFFENDING PEOPLE

Then there's the stupid "War on Christmas"  Despite the fact we don't like being told to be happy and cheerful and kind, we try to do it anyway. Can't hurt to make an effort, right?

Well, yes it does! If you wish someone a "Merry Christmas," chances are they're not religious and they yell at you for shoving Christianity into their faces.

So, when the next person comes along, you just wish them "Happy Holidays." Big mistake. Why are taking Christ out of Christmas, they demand. You hate God, they say.

You just can't win.

I feel better after this rant, thank you. Merry Christmas. Or Happy Holidays. Or just leave me alone until Boxing Day, OK?

Somebody Has Made A Bot That Messes With Telemarketers, Making Me Very Happy

A great new business called Jolly Rogger Telephone
messes with telemarketers to the delight of
this company's customers. 

I'm a very mean person, so when I get a call from a telemarketer and I have the time, I mess with them.

I'm on the national Do Not Call list, so most telemarketing calls I do get are illegal. But that doesn't stop some unscrupulous jerks from calling me to tell me I need a time share, a facelift, or once, an offer for a Russian girlfriend.

Since I don't want a time share, facelift or Russian girlfriend,  imagine my delight when I read in the Washington Post about a new business called Jolly Roger Telephone. 

Jolly Roger Telephone is a robotic answering serve that wastes telemarketers' time.

As the Washington Post reports:

"Roger Anderson started the Jolly Roger Telephone, which lets users start a three-way call with the service so they can listen gleefully as the bot rambles on. It's designed to provide entertainment and empowerment for everyone who has grown weary of the phone calls."

The Washington Post goes on:

"In a typical call, the robot keeps the telemarketer on the phone for a few minutes, but in some cases they go on for much longer. The robot does this by cleverly exploiting a flaw in the telemarketer playbook: staying on the line if the person is agreeable. So the system leans on 'yeah,' 'sure,' 'okay' and 'yes.' In one instance, the robot kept a cable company on the line for 22 minutes."

Anderson told the Post that he's been stunned by how much interest there is in his new business. But I'm not. I almost want to sign up right now.

Says the Washington Post: "He dreams of ultimately going even bigger and toppling the global network of call centers. In his perfect scenario, telemarketing would become inefficient, making the call center business model collapse."

Which wouldn't draw too many tears from this writer, who I repeat really, REALLY doesn't need a Russian girlfriend.