Bah-Humbug! Lots Of Reasons To Hate Christmas

You're supposed to be exceedingly cheerful at Christmas.  That's the demand.

I'm going to break the rules here.  Christmas is not all it's cracked up to be.

Don't get me wrong, if Christmas makes you happy, then great! I'd never want to take away your joy.

I'm just saying that if there are aspects of the holiday you don't like, it's time to rebel against the Christmas dictators who demand, demand, demand that the holiday be just one great big orgy of joy, no matter how you really feel.

BE HAPPY

I'll start with that Christmas rule: Always be insanely cheerful.

Now, there's nothing at all wrong with being happy. Who doesn't want to be happy?

The problem is the Christmas Powers That Be demand that you be happy. You don't get to choose your emotions. Or feel how you really feel.

If you're starring in that proverbial country song, the one where your wife left you, the dog died, the truck won't start, you got evicted from your house and you're out of beer, too bad! Smile! Ho, ho ho!

Forget decking the halls. If I were in that situation I'd want to deck whoever was demanding that I be happy because it's Christmas.

BE PERFECT

The other demand at Christmas is that everything has to be perfect. You need to decorate the house just so; you, your relatives and friends must all behave perfectly at all times and complete the humanly impossible task of never making a mistake.

Again, it's all good to try to be nice, try to do your decorating nicely, have nice holiday gatherings, but why the pressure to make things perfect. One of the things I like most about my friends and family is that they're terrific, but not perfect. I'm certainly not perfect, either.

Why can't we all just let people be who they are at Christmas? It's against the rules, apparently

TORTURING THE MENTALLY ILL

Speaking of perfect, some people are simply mentally incapable of making everything just right. Take me: I have ADHD. I don't use that as an excuse for my mistakes, because I try to compensate for my short attention span and frustrations by working at my strengthts, learning from my mistakes, and doing any mental trick I can to focus.

At Christmas, though, that's not good enough. In the pursuit of perfection, you have to juggle thousands of details to get things just right. Because Christmas demands that you be perfect, dammit! And wipe that frown from your face! We already went over being insanely happy!!

Lose track of one thing, forget one detail, and you've ruined everything, according to the Christmas rules. You can imagine the pressure that bears on people with ADHD.

My ADHD is a minor issue. What about people who have serious mental issues?

It turns out that the idea that there are more suicides around Christmas is a total myth. However, people prone to stress, who already have enough pressures in their life, tend to go off at Christmas, at least from my observations.

That's part of the reason why you have those fatal stampedes on Black Friday as people scramble to get that perfect gift that's almost sold out. (See, there's that damn word "perfect" again!)

I work in customer service. The vast majority of customers I work with are really nice. But a few just go off like CRAZY if we've sold out of something or something has gone wrong with a delivery. Is it really a national tragedy that we've run out of white amaryllis plants but still have plenty of red ones?

To a few people, the answer is yes.

HOLIDAY MUSIC IS HORRIBLE

Speaking of torture, holiday music is what sends me off the deep end. It's either so saccharine that I go into a diabetic coma, or it's so maudlin I want to strangle someone. Or the holiday music is off-the-charts stupid.

C'mon. Barking dogs singing "Jingle Bells?"  The song "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" is one of the most popular Christmas songs ever. Really?

Then there are those icky sad songs, because, here we go again, the songwriter is upset that they violated the "Happy, Perfect" rule of Christmas. So we get obnoxious sad sacks crying, "I'll be home for Christmas, but only in my dreams."

Dude, just book a flight home during your next vacation! It doesn't have to be at Christmas, despite what the Christmas fascists tell you.

Then there's, "I'm Dreaming of A White Christmas," which brings me to my next issue:

DOES IT HAVE TO SNOW?

What's with the obsession with snow at Christmas? It's not Christmas, apparently, unless it's snowing, or at least there's snow on the ground.

I almost never see Christmas images without snow. It must make the people who live in places like Florida feel terrible. (Even though they're not supposed to feel terrible because it's Christmas!)

Frankly, Christmas snow often just gets in the way. The snow grounds that flight that would have taken you to Grandma's house for the holidays. Then again, the trip would have probably been wasted, since old Grandma got run over by that stupid reindeer.

This Christmas, the snow epicenter of the United States appears to be North Dakota, where a holiday blizzard is forecast. Would you really want to get in your car to see family only to die in a frigid whiteout on a North Dakota highway?

DIdn't think so.

Yes, the snow can be pretty and clean and white, but who wants to shovel a foot of pretty and clean and white from the driveway, you know, to make everything perfect?

OFFENDING PEOPLE

Then there's the stupid "War on Christmas"  Despite the fact we don't like being told to be happy and cheerful and kind, we try to do it anyway. Can't hurt to make an effort, right?

Well, yes it does! If you wish someone a "Merry Christmas," chances are they're not religious and they yell at you for shoving Christianity into their faces.

So, when the next person comes along, you just wish them "Happy Holidays." Big mistake. Why are taking Christ out of Christmas, they demand. You hate God, they say.

You just can't win.

I feel better after this rant, thank you. Merry Christmas. Or Happy Holidays. Or just leave me alone until Boxing Day, OK?

Ideas For Bad Christmas Wraps

Another bad wrapping paper print
idea: Santa stripping

Once you're done buying Christmas presents, you have to wrap them, right?

Fortunately, Twitter came to the rescue with the hashtag #BadWrappingPaperPrints.

For those of you who have a life and can't or won't scroll through the bad ideas on Twitter, here are some of my favorites:

---Eviction notices.
---Screenshots of Bill O'Reilly ranting about the War on Christmas
---The faces of underpaid Chinese workers who made the gift
---Child support overdue notices
---Donald Trump nudes
---People of Walmart

Do you have even better ideas? Post a comment!

Sprint Employee Thinks A Theater Shooting Is GREAT Opportunity To Advertise Sprint

Shep Smith, anchor at Fox News, was not terribly
impressed with Sprint employee who tried to
advertise his business while describing a theater shooting. 

I suppose many of us are guilty for sucking up to our employer.

But maybe the guy I'm about to describe went a teensy bit too far. Tell me what you think after reading the following:

A guy named Vincent David Montano, 29, brought ammunition and explosives to a Nashville Tennesee theater last week. He had a gun battle with police and was killed.

Of course, this was big news, and the media was all over it.

Reporters sought out eyewitness. On Fox News, anchor Shepard Smith spoke with a Sprint phone store employee who works near the theater.

Talking Points Memo said the worker told Smith: "We were trying to promote our 'cut your bill in half' (promotion) when we had a couple police officers come in, tell us to lock all the doors, close everything."

A little later in the interview, Smith asked the Sprint worker to clarify whether he works adjacent to the theater or further away.

The Sprint worker responded: "We work at Sprint, where we cut your bill in half."  

To his great credit, Shepard Smith had enough at this point, and said, "That's nice advertising here in the middle of a shooting at a movie theater."

The Sprint worker, realizing he'd been called out, said, "I'm just so used to saying it so much."

Uh, yeah.

Maybe Sprint could go with this advertising theme. "Our phones are still very useful during movie theater shootings! We cut your bills in half even while an assailant is cutting YOU in half with bullets!"

Somehow, I don't think this is going to become a centerpiece of Sprint's latest advertising campaign.

Anyway, if the Sprint worker thought his impromptu advertising at a crime scene would win him brownie points from his bosses, think again.

Consumerist reports that a rep for Sprint said they are talking to the employee's boss to determine the appropriate course of action because mentioning Sprint's recent sales promotiions "was inappropriate during a tragic situation."

No, really!?!?

Here's Shep Smith's interview with "Tom" the Sprint employee near the theater shooting:

Your Smart Phone Will Save Your Life. Or Kill You

This iPhone took a bullet to save
a British man's life.  

Your iPhone or whatever device you have is apparently also a bulletproof vest or a flamethrower, based on a news item and a viral video.

According to Business Insider UK, in October, 2014, a 25 year old man approached a gang of teenagers who had shut off the water supply to his apartment block in Cheshire, England.

During the ensuing argument, one of the teens pulled out a sawed off shotgun and shot the 25 year old in the abdoman. Says police:

"Fortunately, the victim's mobile phoe took the brunt of the shot and as a result of this, he survived. This is remarkable - had that phone not been in his pocket at that time he woud undoubtably have died."

A teenager has been found guilty of attempted murder and will be sentenced this coming July. The gunshot victim is OK. But he had to buy a new iPhone to replace the one that took the  bullet.

On the other hand, never stab your smart phone battery with a knife. Unless you like fireworks. There's some viral videos circulating that purport to show what happens when you do.

Here's an example. Yikes!!

Prom Season Brings Out Great Kids, And A Few Lousy Adults

Alabama teen Joy Webb picked her grandfather, James Drain,
to take to the prom because Drain never had
the chance to go to his prom when he was in high school 

Every year I like the stories of teenagers doing something special for that springtime high school rite: The prom.

So it is this year, with quite a few great examples. We have Drew Holm of Indiana, who took his great grandmother, Katie Keith to the prom because she is, in his words, "the prettiest woman."

Then there's the great story of Joy Webb, an Alabama 17 year old, who learned her grandfather, James Drain, 80, never had the opportunity to go to his high school prom, so Joy took James to hers. 

Then there's Ben Moser, the star quarterback at his high school in Pennsylvania, who remembered back when he was in fourth grade that he promised to take his friend, Mary Lapkowicz, who has Down's Syndrome, to the prom when they were high school seniors.

So, Moser took Kapkowicz to the prom this year and a good time was had by all, of course.

I'm glad we have these kids to hold up as examples of how to behave gallantly. Especially since some adults have really fallen short.

Young women like to wear glamorous, sexy dresses to proms, as well they should. It's a celebration.

A few school administrators are a bit too focused on students' bodies.

We have the case of Alexus Miller Wigfall, a student at Harrisburg High School in Pennsylvania, who was kicked out of the prom for a dress some idiot thought was too revealing, or, apparently, the school administrator thought the girl was too fat to be at a prom.

Wigfall said the school administrator told her, "You have more boobs that other girls...The other girls have less to show."

To the mind of one Michigan school administrator
Mireya Briceno is a flashing naked girl, basically,
because of the cut of her prom dress. Seems
fine to me, but what to I know?  

A similar thing happened to Mireya Briceno in Michigan, where some school jerky adult thought the cut of her unusual but fun prom dress showed a bit too much skin around the middle.

By the way, the news articles showed pictures of both young women in their dresses.  I'm highly confused about how the school principals and such could say they were indecent.

Adminstrators at a Louisiana high school wanted to ban female, openly gay honors student from wearing a tuxedo at her prom because the clothes were the wrong "gender."  Hey, at least she's well covered up with the tux, what's the school complaining about, then?

I think some adults have been staring at teens' clothing a wee bit too much.

So, we have a case of the kids acting like kind, responsible adults and adults acting like perverted teenagers gawking and shaming people over how they quite reasonably dress.

Maybe we should reverse who's in charge.

Bad Monday: Putin Is Pooped And A Plane Potty Mouth

For those of you who Don't Like Mondays, here's a post with three videos that will make you feel like you have company. Or more likely, that you're having a better day than some other folks.

The first video brings us to Russia, where the country's president, Vladimir Putin, was giving a speech commemorating World War I.  As he spoke, a bird apparently decided to give its opinion of our dear old friend Vladimir.

I guess with the whole Ukraine thing, targeted sanctions against Putin are coming from all directions:



Next, we have a video shot by Mike Irving aboard a plane set for takeoff, although he documents a bit of a delay.

It seems a woman is having a very, very, very bad day, to the point where her trip is not going to go as far as the one for everybody else on the plane.

When watching this video, careful it's NSFW. Or kids. The woman puts new meaning into the term "potty mouth"

Extra props to Irving to catching the priceless looks on the faces of a mother and her young daughter toward the end of the video:



Finally, if you just don't like Mondays, and need more, here's the Boomtown Rats doing their thing from 1979:

Sign Language Fiasco, Sign Language Triumph

The guy who was doing the sign language bit at the Nelson Mandela memorial service sure has gotten a lot of attention.

This guy doing sign language
at the Nelson Mandela memorial
really botched it. He blames
schizophrenia.  

People watching said he had no idea what he was doing, that what he was signing was gibberish and the whole thing has turned into an embarrassment in an otherwise rousing, moving tribute to Mandela.

The story got more bizarre this morning when it came out the Mandela sign language guy said he was in the middle of a schizophrenic episode when he was trying to do the signing at the event, which was televised world wide.

According to the Associated Press: "Thomsanqua Jantijie...said he first noticed something was wrong when he saw angels streaking into Johannesburg's FNB stadium. 'What happened that day, I see angels come to the stadium'"

Jantijie said similar episodes have triggered "a lot" of violent reactions from him in the past, a prospect that--considering the number of security guards nearby--made him nervous."

The company that hired Jantijile and the people behind it, appear to be in hiding.

Meanwhile, we have a much more successful sign language event.  A kindergarten kid in Florida was among many performing in a Christmas show for their parent.

One youngster was the child of deaf parents, and didn't want her mom and dad to miss out on the show. So she signed her way through the song, much to the delight of everyone. And of course, she did everything right.

She probably should have signed for the Mandela event.

Watch the adorable video with the little blonde girl doing the sign language and see for yourself:

Truck Driver Has REALLY Bad Day: Wrecks Truck, Wrecks Tunnel, Snarls Traffic, Gets Hated On

Having a bad day at work?

Sydney Australia truck in the midst
of the stupid, nasty tunnel crash its
driver caused.  

Not as bad as a truck driver in Sydney, Australia, who, while driving inside a major freeway tunnel, dropped his glasses and accidentally set up the tipper mechanism for the bed of the vehicle.

Up it went, hitting the ceiling of the tunnel as he drove along, causing extensive damage to the tunnel, wrecking the truck and causing miles long rush hour traffic jams the likes of which Sydney has not seen in a long, long time.

See the video at the bottom of this post. Cringe!

It probably didn't help that the truck driver's boss, Eric Flammia, had his cell phone number prominently displayed on the side of the truck.

Since the Sydney media were all over this crash, the phone number was seen far and wide, and Flammia spent the day taking irate and abusive calls from people who got stuck in the huge traffic jam the truc accident caused, according to the Sydney Morning Herald.

The truck driver, and nobody else for that matter, was hurt, but there's no word yet on whether the truck driver still has a job.

 

Thank Goodness We Didn't Hire THIS Organist For Our Wedding

I can't believe it's been almost a year since Jeff and I got married.

I'm happy to report I'm still immensely enjoying married life.

Maybe a bit of the reason for the contentment is we got off on the right foot. The ceremony was beautiful, I must say, thanks to Jeff's planning and design work. (He also has this nice habit of making the house look beautiful too, but that's another story)

Anyway, we didn't go the traditional route in the marriage. For instance, we didn't do the cliched "Wedding March" that you always hear on church organs in every wedding.

Which is a great thing if you consider the organist at the wedding in the video below. The musicianship is hilariously painful:

Worst Behavior On a Honeymoon Ever

Newlyweds love to skip town after their ceremony go to someplace romantic and beautiful and quiet, to get their marriage off to a rousing start.

Mohammed Ahmed is accused of
looking for variety while on his honeymoon. 

Naturally, you'd expect the happy couple to be pretty much into each other at this point, and any sexual activity would be between our happy couple.

Oh, but Mohammed Ahmed, 21,  of Illinois had different ideas for his honeymoon. God only knows how long he'd been with his wife before the actual marriage. He needed a change.

Maybe the sex was already a little stale and he wanted something new. So, while his brand new wife languished in a Florida hotel, our buddy Mohammed solicit a prostitute fron an on line ad.

I'm sure his new wife was so, so impressed!

The prostitute turned out to be an undercover detective, so Mohammed was arrested. The wife found out about this when she filed a missing persons report because her brand new husband didn't return to the hotel.

He didn' t return because he was being arrested for being a john!

So maybe as it turns out the wife didn't make the best choice in a man. Unless of course he's innocent of the charges. There are other fish in the sea, so to speak.

Maybe she can write her wedding ceremony with Mohammed as a practice run of sorts, so she can have the perfect wedding day in the future with a real man. One that, you know, has a bit of respect for his wife.

Random Thoughts On Boston Bombing/Terrorist Capture

I know the whole Boston Marathon attack was serious, tragic business, and I don't want to minimize it.

But being a trivial guy, I do have to note some totally irrelevant post scripts and besides-the-point moments that struck me as fascinating or cool, now that the immediate crisis has passed.

The famous boat behind the house
in Watertown, Mass. where the terrorist
suspect hid.

Here are some:

Did the bombing suspects seriously believe they could cow Boston. I mean really, Boston? It's gotta be the toughest (in a good way) city in the United States.

I wonder what kind of tough justice the bombers would have gotten if they'd be released to walk around in Southie?

How tough? Some wag on Facebook posted a photo of  are  North Korean  leader Kim Jong-un, with a quote supposedly from him:   "Note to self: Do not invade Boston."

A few people might find all those crowds spontaneously singing, badly off key, the National Anthem after the capture a little cheesy. Not me. It's heartwarming and patriotic and was exactly the right release people needed.

 Maybe I'm being a bit too populist, but this is moving:




Yes, us Americans will start arguing amongst ourselves any minute now about what we should do next, or what we should have done better. That's normal, and a debate is a good thing. But it is nice to see us all come together when necessary.

Why is it that the average Joe and Jane Schmo involved in the Boston terrorist attack seems to have really risen to the occasion but some politicians observing from a distance act like morons.

We kept hearing reports of people acting bravely to rescue the wounded, the wounded giving critical tips to investigators, and police diligently hunting the two terrorists down.

And many politicians were eloquent, such as Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick. But others, not so much.

Case in point: An Arkansas state lawmaker, Nate Bell,  Tweets the following during the manhunt, right after the MIT police officer is killed: "I wonder how many Boston liberals spent the night cowering in their homes wishing they had an AR-15 with a high capacity magazine?"

He later apologized for what he said was the Tweet's poor timing

The two bombers are/were pathetic young men. And the final capture of the survivor, hiding in a boat parked in a Watertown, Massachusetts back yard, is particularly lame. Another piece of evidence the guy was a total loser.

In other bits and pieces from this episode, I think we call all give our deep gratitude to Neil Diamond   for taking a 4:30 a.m. red eye to Logan Airport so he could sing "Sweet Caroline" at Saturday's Red Sox game.

A needed bit of goofy joy and tradition from a Class Act. Thanks, Neil!

One last note: Are you as disturbed as I that a few people on Twitter thought the bombing suspect that survived is, in their words "kind of cute"?

No, he's the ugliest guy in America right now. And I'm not talking about physical looks.

World's Worst Song and Music Video From Czech Republic Delightfully Awful

The nomination for the latest, worst music video and song comes from the Czech Republic. Somebody named Nicky sings something called "Rich Boy."

I use the term "sing" loosely, as the blonde young woman who um, performs the song sounds like an asthmatic woodchuck.

The incredible Nicky performing "Rich Boy" in this still
from her video. 

I think the tune, which I found highlighted this morning on Buzzfeed,  sells her attributes to some mythical rich boy she wants to hook up with. The lyrics stunningly entice said rich boy. Some choice examples:

"I'm cute and clever
For now and forever.
I have big tits
And I like politics.

AND:

"I'm not a bitch
I want to be rich.
I will not work
I will not eat pork"

AND

"Here is my phone
6029481600000"

Either she's got it wrong, or Gawd they have complicated phone numbers in the Czech Republic. In any event, according to Digital Spy, the number she gives is not her real number, as she says she is not stupid.

The video had gotten more than 750,000 hits as of March 13, so it's turning into a phenomenon. Some say it's just a parody, others say it's the real deal. I don't know. You decide.

You don't get the full force of this incredible music video unless you watch it. It's right here, brace yourself for a real experience.

 

Is Britain's Headbutting Cheese Toastie Fighter the Country's Worst and Laziest Man?

You can always count on Britain's Daily Mail to provide us with way to wordy, but highly entertaining news headlines that beg the reader to continue on to the article.

The latest is this: "Love Rat Dad of Nine Children to Eight Women Who Headbutted Ex-Girlfriend in Row Over Cheese Toastie Jailed For Just 20 Days."

Worl'd worst father? Keith MacDonald of Britain

Wow, this guy leads a complicated life. When he's not screwing around without protection, he's fighting or doing a messy job of eating a cheese toastie. I'm glad my life isn't that complex.

Actually, it gets worse. Subsequent reports indicate this guy, Keith McDonald, fathered 15 kids by 14 women, and doesn't really support any of them, according to the Mirror

Supposedly, two other women are pregnant by this (alleged!) loser.

Now, I know there are some highly unfunny issues here. Domestic violence, irresponsible parenthood, irrationality.

But you can't resist the complete awful train wreckiness of the guy. The girlfriend in the cheese toastie incident said she just "hoovered" the carpet when he got cheese toastie crumbs all over the place, and that's what started the latest fight.
He did get that 20 day sentence for the assault over the cheese toastie. What the hell is a cheese toastie anyway?

A larger issue: Hasn't this guy ever heard of a condom? I know he doesn't have much money, having spent all his cash on cheese toasties, but condoms aren't that expensive.  He tells reporters he doesn't want to "get the snip"

He also tells reporters: "I can't wear a condom. I just don't like it."

Well, I don't like you, either, Keith.

Ladies, if you want my opinion, you can do better than this guy. Anybody can do better than this guy. He's not even good looking, for gawd sakes!

He's unemployed, too, according to reports. The Mirror says he told them he doesn't want to get a job "because it gets boring."

Now, he's supposedly finally being investigated by the Child Support Agency. And shouldn't somebody be trying to get him to find a job? If he's got the energy to have all that sex, he's got the energy to work, even if the job is boring.

Then the unemployment benefits could instead go to somebody who really can't work over there in Britain. What a concept!

MacDonald, 25, has been well known in the British press for a few years now. It's shocking that nobody has cracked down on him.

I don't buy some conservatives' argument that everyone who gets any form of social welfare is a lazy bum, but this guy proves that a few, at least in Britain, certainly are pretty much worthless sloths, at least if the media reports about MacDonald are to be believed.

If I were a British taxpayer, I'd be at MacDonald's house, shaking him down for a partial refund on my taxes.

Too bad stupidity isn't a crime in Britain. If what all the tabloids say about MacDonald is true, he would get a life sentence.