Furloughed Sportcaster Gives "Mundane" Sports Play By Play, Hilariously

Which pedestrian will make it across the street first?
Sportscaster Nick Heath has the coronavirus play by play. 

British sportscaster Nick Heath is temporarily out of a job. There's no sporting events on due to the coronavirus, so, he had to come up with a different plan.

You know, to stay in practice, to make sure his skills don't fade during his layoff.

So, Heath has been going around doing his sportscaster thing on people doing mundane things, like walking their dog, or grocery shopping, or sitting outside a cafe.

The results are strange, but pure comic gold

Below are a couple examples of Heath's play by play.

Randy Rainbow's Latest, To Nurse Your Super Tuesday Hangover

The ever-productive Randy Rainbow released a new video during Super Tuesday, urging us to vote for a Democrat. Any Democrat. He doesn't care. As long as it's not GOP Trump.

This parody is from the song "Any Dream Will Do," from Andrew Lloyd Weber's "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat."

Instead of "Any Dream Will Do," Rainbow switched it to "Any Dem Will Do."

In the fast-pace time of primaries, certain aspects of this video were outdated upon release, even though he clearly made the video in the past few days.  Democrats featured in the video include Peter Buttigieg, Amy Klobuchar and Tom Steyer, who all dropped out of the race in the day or so before Super Tuesday.  (Then Mike Bloomberg dropped out just this morning).

Of course, Rainbow doesn't even remember Steyer's name in the video, Todd or something, because this candidate wasn't exactly an overpowering presence in the Democratic lineup.

In any event, Rainbow, in his song adheres to his motto, "Any Dem will do," because despite any and all of the Democrats' individual quirks and shortcomings they're better than Trump. Such as Bernie Sanders, "He's more kvetchy than my mom."

Here's the video:

Televangelist Didn't Think This Scammy Money Beg Through

Rich scammer Paula White wants you to not pay your electric bills, and
instead give that money to her.  

Paula White, one of the most prominent scamevantelists televangelists recently had a money beg that I'm sure she didn't quite think through.

According to Alternet.org quoting Mother Jones, White, leader of her Florida-based (of course!) Supernatural Ministry School (Yes! That's the name!) said her followers could secure God's favor by sending her church as much money as possible.

That includes not bothering to pay their electric bills and send money earmarked for the utilities to her instead.  

She especially urged her followers who pay their monthly electric bills to Florida Power and Light (FPL, as it's known in the Sunshine State) to give it to her church instead. Why? Because if they don't, they're treating the utility better than they treat God, reports Alternet.org.

"Instead of writing (that check) to the house of God as I'm instructed to, then what I'm saying spiritually is, 'FPL, I hae now established a spiritual law that put ou first,' White explained to her flock. 'So, FPL, save my family, FPL, deliver my drug addicted son. FPL, kill this cancer that doctors say is in my body.'"

There is a lot of things to unpack here. First of all, I'm unaware of Florida Power and Light ever promising to eradicate drug addiction or cure cancer. I checked their press releases and didn't find any of those claims.

Like most utilities in America, all FPL promises is they'll keep providing electrical service to your house as long as you pay your monthly bill. It's pretty simple, really.

I'm also going to put my often-used Captain Obvious hat on here. A lot of White's followers keep up with her by watching TV or listening to her online.  That becomes a lot more difficult for people whose electricity is cut off because they didn't pay their bills.

White is one of the leading scammers in a very scammy "faith" called the "Prosperity Gospel."

According to Dictionary.com, Prosperity Gospel is "a modern version or according to some, perversion of the gospel according to which the full blessings of God available to those who approach Him in faith and obedience include wealth, health and power."

The more blunt and obvious definition of this is, Prosperity Gospel is a scam in which charismatic shysters tell you to give them boatloads of cash and if you do, God will shower you with money, tacky swag and an ugly McMansion somewhere in suburban Birmingham, Alabama,  Or something like that.

Yes, yes, I know that's a perversion of real Christianity. But people fall for it. There's a sucker born every minute.  Including Donald Trump, who's probably in on the scam, since he's in on a lot of scams. I say this because Trump has declared Paula White one of his spiritual advisors.

As Mother Jones points out, both Trump and White are "twice-divorced, with a history of marital infidelities and bankruptcy, but possessing remarkable TV savvy."

Paula White is a piece of work, anyway, as I'm sure you've gathered. You have to hand it to her, she does hustle to make some good income from the gullible.

As Christian Post reported nearly four years ago, White began selling "Resurrection Seeds" that would give you eternal life for the low, low price of $1,144.

But wait! There's more!

Back in 2019, White demanded that her followers give her their January salary, reports Newsweek.  I imagine that most of her gullible followers aren't rich.  That's why they follow the "Prosperity Gospel."  They're sick of being poor and out of desperation they see this as their ticket.

It does seem White is getting very rich off her scams. She's been the subject of two Congressional investigations into her doings, but so far, there's been no action.

Of course, everything and everybody Trump touches dies, so we'll see what her future brings. While her most ardent followers sit in the dark and wait, having not paid their electric bill.

The Perfect Valentine's Day Gift For Your Ex

The San Antonio Zoo has a perfect antidote to Valentine's Day,
especially you have a particularly loathesome ex.

There's two holidays on the yearly calendar that I'm so, SO not into.

One of them is Christmas, the other is Valentine's Day.

Since Valentine's Day is coming up tomorrow we'll focus on that.

It's a stupid holiday.  If you love somebody, you don't need a specific date on the calendar to tell somebody that fact.

I tell my husband every day that I love him. And I will inform him on Valentine's Day that I love him, but I'm sure he won't be especially surprised by that news.

Valentine's Day also sucks for people who are unlucky in love.  It's the marketing, advertising campaigns again that is really meant to make you feel terrible, and thus buy something to soothe your sad soul.

At Christmas, you're supposed to be insanely cheerful, according to society, even though societal pressure also makes you miserable during that holiday.

On Valentine's Day, you're supposed to be in a perfect relationship, and if you're not, you're a scumbag. Obviously, if you are not in a big romantic relationship at the moment, there are tons of likely reasons why.  Probably none of those reasons are your fault.

But  the evil perveyors of Valentine's Day struggle mightily to guilt you because you don't happen to be in a blissful romance on a random date, namely February 14.  But there's one lovely antidote for people who hate Valentine's Day and hate a particular ex.

According to People magazine and numerous other media outlets, the San Antonio, Texas zoo is doing this:

"For those interested in embracing the less romantic side of the holiday, the zoo is hosting a special event in which spurned lovers can name cockroaches or rats after their exes, and watch them get fed to zoo animals."

The San Antonio Zoo event is called "Cry Me A Cockroach" and will be livestreamed for all to watch on Valentine's Day.  In that livestream, we can watch cockroaches and pre-frozen rats get fed to the zoo's reptiles.

Gosh, watching that livestream sounds like such a romantic way to spend Valentine's Day with your honey, doesn't it?

People magazine tells us that cockroaches would cost you $5 to name, and the rats, $25.   You must really hate your ex if you're willing to spend $25 on a rat named after said ex so it can be fed to another animal.  In that case, you really need to get over it.

By the way, only first names are allowed. You can't fully identify your bad ex with first and last names in this "Cry Me A Cockroach" promotion.

If you're interested, click on this link to get more info and sign up for Cry Me A Cockroach.

Somewhat unrelated, but if you were just dumped by your honey, you feel crappy.  But to me, the folowing song and video is a salve you can tune into any time you feel especially bad about the breakup.  Guaranteed you'll feel better:

An, Um, Novel And Incredible Stupid Arguement Against Interracial Marriage

Dave Daubenmire, easily one of the dumbest people in America

Almost everybody got over interracial marriages many decades ago. I mean, really, who cares, right?

There are a few particularly ignorant holdouts, however.  They are there principally so that we can mock and laugh at them. I've got a doozy for you.

According to the Friendly Atheist, via Right Wing Watch, one of these losers is some idiot named Dave Daubenmire, who claims to be a "Christian" pastor.  He said he recently took his daughter to the zoo, which proved to him that interracial marriage is wrong. Here's his "logic."

"You don't see eagles marrying buzzards, do you?" he said.

As is obvious to everybody except the extremely dumb and racist Daubenmire, eagles and buzzards are different species.  Plus, to be Captain Obvious, wild animals don't get married.  Animals of the same species mate, but last I checked, eagles and buzzards and other animals don't get a marriage license from the town clerk then go down to the courthouse to tie the knot.

But whatever.

Segregation is A-OK according to Daubenmire, too.  At the zoo aquarium, the guy that runs it keeps certain fish out of the tank because those certain fish would eat all the other fish.

Hmm. I have not heard of one human interracial couple in which the one partner eats the other. But I guess that's besides the point.

The idiot Daubenmire has said many, many spectacularly dumb things in the past. He says, for example, masturbation is gay sex because you are having sexual contact with someone of the same gender. He says, really oddly, that "big business" is using fetal tissue in food supplements, additives and sweeteners.

I'm writing all this as a public service: The next time you are feeling stupid or ignorant, remember you have nothing on Dumb Daubenmire.

"Meth: We're On It" Still A Big Talker In South Dakota

This very unfortunate drug awareness ad is still the talk of
South Dakota, to their chagrin.

I'm in South Dakota this week, and one thing I notice is people are still talking about the state's "Meth:  We're On It" campaign.

This caused a nationwide stir a month ago, when the state of South Dakota released its meth drug awareness campaign.

The campaign shows photos of iconic or typical South Dakota-type people with a tagline: "Meth: We're On It."

This naturally made South Dakota a nationwide butt of jokes, but the governor here, Kris Noem, says the campaign is working.

"The mission of the campaign is to raise awareness - to get people talking about how they can e part of the solution and not just the problem," Noem told the Sioux Falls Argus Leader last month.

Noem said the meth campaign, which cost something like $449,000 is a "bold, innovative effort like the nation has never before seen."

I suppose that last statement is true.

That $449,000 price tag seems high, and that prompted the predictable jokes. "The ad agency spent $1,000 on the PSA campaign and $448,000 on meth," wrote @MatthewHekerman on Twitter.

Another twitter denizen, Ian Boudreau (@iboudreau) suggested other ideas "Meth: It's What's for Dinner," "Where's the Meth" and "Meth: The Other White Drug."

According to the Sioux Falls Argus Leader, businesses are capitalizing on this, so that's good.

A bicycle business called Spoke-n Sport -did an ad with the tag line Bikes; We're On It with a photo of a grinning mountain biker in what looks like the Badlands.

Somebody in Minnesota cooked up this idea
for a Meth ad as a companion to South Dakota's.

Even the cheap beer Natural Light tweeted a slogan "Natural Light: We're On It" which to me would be almost as bad as being on meth.

A t-shirt company is offering shirts that say "South Dakota is apparently on meth" and "Don't meth with South Dakota."

I don't know what it is about South Dakota. This isn't the first time the state came up with an ad with a questionable double entendre.

Back in 2014, wintry South Dakota was worried about motorists making unsafe, abrupt moves on icy roads. So, the catch phrase was "Don't Jerk And Drive." Yes, they meant don't jerk the steering wheel.  But really?

Also, in 2015, South Dakota promoted itself as a place to live and work because, at least unlike Mars, there is air in South Dakota. (It's true! I'm in South Dakota as I write this and I am having absolutely no trouble breathing. There is indeed air here!)

The way things are going, I can't wait to see what the next South Dakota slogan will be.  Whoever comes up with it, I'm guessing meth - they'll be on it.

Bad 1970s Disco Song Has Even Worse Dancing, But It's Hilarious

The three members of the Silver Convention struggling to get through
their dance moves in their song, "Fly, Robin Fly" back in
the 1970s. I'd have my back to the audience too because I dance
as badly as they do. But they had spunk! 

There was a disco song in 1975 called "Fly, Robin, Fly," which was about as lightweight and inconsequential as you can get.

The song was stupid, and had nothing to it, but it was rather catchy regardless, so it was a hit.  (It doesn't take much, sometimes).

This song was done in the days before so-called official videos, but people did make music videos anyway.

"Fly, Robin, Fly" was performed by three hapless women called Silver Convention. As you can see in the video below their dance skills were, um.....let's just say they could have used a little more practice.

Especially since the dance moves weren't exactly of the calibre you might find on "So You Think You Can Dance."

I especially like the woman on the left, who seems to keep glancing over at her cohorts to confirm whether she was making the right moves, or whether she was out of step. She needn't have. They were all way off. And they often looked confused, which adds to the fun. They certainly would have been buzzed off of "American's Got Talent" if it existed in those days.

But they probably wouldn't have been kicked off "The Gong Show," which DID exist in that era, so there's that

And the attempt at flinging around their hair was cool, too.  Here's the video, just for laughs:

Woman Calls Cops On Black Guy Because His Dog Humped Her Dog Horrors!

"Dog Park Debbie" calls the police to a dog park
because a black man's dog humped her dog

In a ridiculous video, one that might have racial issues like "Barbecue Becky," "Permit Patty" and "Cornerstone Caroline"  we have a white woman calling the cops on a black man at a dog park.

This time, it's because the guy's dog started trying to hump the woman's dog, as dogs tend to do. They don't always behave, do they?

The man got the dog off the woman's dog, and neither animal appears to have been harmed. The man, named Franklin Baxley, did have to get his dog off the woman's a couple other times. Later, the woman's dog did the same to Baxley's but I guess that's OK.

But in a classic overreaction, the woman called the Attleboro, Massachusetts police.

I don't know if the woman was being racist, because I don't have a lot of context from the video. But it appears to fit a pattern of white people calling the police on black people for just doing things that normal people do, like having a barbecue in the park, entering their own apartment building, or allowing their kid to sell bottled water on the sidewalk during a hot afternoon.

To Baxley, this did seem racial, and I can see why he thinks this way: He told Yahoo News: "The woman wanted to impress upon me that she was superior...Her first instinct was to call the police when in conflict with a black person."

This kind of thing just doesn't stop, does it?  I mean, the woman could have kept her dog away from Baxley's dog if she was that upset, but nope! First reaction is to call the police. I'm sure she's going to enjoy her 15 minutes of fame.

I'm sure the cops were a bit annoyed by the waste of time they had to endure sorting this out. Can we please not call the cops unless we have an actual emergency? Here's the video:

A New Take On Old "El Paso." With Politics And Comedy!

Marty Robbins had a huge hit in 1959 with the song "El Paso."

You know the tune ...."Out in the west Texas town of El Paso, I fell in love with a Mexican girl...."

As we know, Donald Trump visited El Paso this week to tout his silly border wall, falsely claiming that El Paso was a violent mess before they put up fence along the Mexican border there.

Which gave Stephen Colbert the chance to update the song a little bit. Colbert's version starts, "Out in the west Texas town of El Paso, I saw a speech by a man Putin adores."

Yeah, it goes on from there. Have a listen and a look:

Of Course I Have To Bring You Bad Lip Reading For The Super Bowl

This year's NFL Bad Lip Reading is totally worth the watch and listen.

It's Super Bowl Sunday, and I suppose I have to celebrate the occasion somehow, though I'm not the most rabid NFL fan out there.

I'll do so by giving you "A Bad Lip Reading Of The NFL"  

There's a whole YouTube channel in which they "put words in people's mouths" by dubbing in silly statements into videos of people who are often out of earshot.

The schtick is these are revealing videos of what was really said, except the lip reading is so awful that they what they people "say" is hilariously absurd.

They've done NFL lip reading for each of the past several years. This year's NFL one is excellent.  For instance, we have a sideline coach exclaiming, "In my bag! Poetry and French art!

In those NFL clips in which NFL players say something about themselves, one says. "I sleep on the happiness tree." Another says, "I melted a lot of people." One more says, "Humans shouldn't go into the labyrinth."

Yeah, everything they say is out of left field, if I may interject a baseball cliche into a football story.

Out on the field, "spoiled" New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady barks remarks like, "I'm an icon!" "Poke his eye!" "I'm the star!" and, "He's a spy!"

Another exchange:
Reporter to player: "I hope you feel good."
Player replies: "Not you, I hope you fall on a machete later."

Well, football is a violent sport, right?

I only gave you a small taste. Here's the full eight minutes of NFL bad lip reading that will convince you that people are strange:

Christmas Gifts Only The Weirdest Could Love

I'm sure all of your friends would just LOVE a nose
warmer that looks like a spider! 

The Huffington Post recently put up an article that is sure to bring joy, or pain to every holiday shopper out there.

It's a comprehensive list of some of the more, um, novel Christmas gifts you can share this year.

I'll let you read the whole story, but I will cherry pick some of my favorites from this list.

One of these special Christmas gifts is a Trump bottle opener, which has the sound of Trump ranting. One of the messages spouts off about fake news when you use it. Frankly, I hope my nice cold bottle of beer is not fake news when I open it, so I'll pass on this one.

Ugly Christmas sweaters are all the rage in recent years, and I think I found the worst yet. It depicts Santa, sitting on a chimney, pants down, taking a dump down the chimney into somebody's fireplace. I think that qualifies as worse than getting a lump of coal in your stocking.

Here's the sales pitch from the company that sells this thing. "Ugly Christmas sweater has a whole new meaning when you rock up wearing something that literally takes a dump all over the Christmas season. He delivers to every boy and girl in one night, folks - when you gotta go, you gotta go."

I don't think this sweater is turning into a hit. At last check it was on sale - meaning they're trying to unload this, um, mess. The price keeps going down. It started at $84.95, went down to $78.95 and at last check was a low, low $59.95.

Still too pricy for me. Even so, you might want to continue on with this shitty Christmas idea. You can combine the above gift with the book "We Wish You A Poopy Christmas."

Honestly, the sales pitch for this book is even worse than the one for the poopy Christmas sweater:

The worst possible ugly
Christmas sweater.

"Curl up by the fire with some steaming hot chocolate and listen to Fudgy the Poopman offer his unique take on your favorite Christmas tales. You're probably familiar with Rudolph and his red nose, but in this book, you hear how Christmas was saved by Rupert, whose case of IBS has left him with shining red spot on the opposite end of the reindeer body."

I'm not sure why our nation's recent infantile obsession with poop is so rampant, but this Christmas stuff proves it's jumped the shark and must end now.

Moving on, the Christmas season is often chilly, especially for us northerners. We wear coats, hats, mittens, and even ear muffs. But what if your nose gets cold?  Well, of course there's a Christmas gift solution!

Keep your schnoz warm with a Spider Nose Warmer. I just love how the marketers of this thing in their sales pitch have absolutely no command of the English language. I'll quote it verbatim, with no editorial corrections:

"Nose warmer pom pom Christmast gadget. Funny nose gift nose heath Vegan friendly, Nose cozy winter heater. Your noise never been worn, it's made just for you....A unique practical way to keep your nose warm. Sure to be a hit with all. Fun and useful, great for everyone. Loops on each side of the Nose Warmer hook behind the ears, stretchy easy and comfortable to wear. And feets all."

Feets all? I thought it was a nose warmer. No thanks, I'll pass. They say a cold nose is a sign your dog is healthy. I'll just assume that if my nose is cold, I'm healthy.

I haven't finished my holiday shopping yet. I'm a last-minute kinda guy. But rest assured, family and friends! You're not getting any of the items listed above. If that disappoints you, buy 'em yourself!

PETA's Animal Cliche Suggestions Are Basically Beating A Dead Horse

PETA doesn't want us to use cliches that seem mean to animals.
Their alternative suggestions need work, though. 

There's an amazing number of cliches out there that involve animals.

That's the elephant in the room. There's more than one way to skin a cat. That dog don't hunt. Don't let the cat out of the bag. One trick pony. The lion's share. Pig headed. The cat's meow. Dog days of summer.  

Well, PETA, the strident animal rights group, thinks we ought to change some of our animal cliches to not celebrate cruelty to animals. Never mind that people who use these cliches generally don't want to abuse animals.

But never mind.

PETA decrees that we must change the following cliches to the some non-cruel alternatives. So here we go:

"Kill two birds with one stone" must now be "Feed two birds with one scone." (I had no idea birds like scones. Go figure.)

"Be a guinea pig" should become "Be the test tube."

"Beat a dead horse." should turn into "Feed a fed horse."  If the horse has been fed, it's not hungry. Why would you want to force food this poor creature? That seems cruel, but whatever. Plus, the fed horse thing makes no sense.

"Bring home the bacon" needs to change to "Bring home the bagels."

"Take the bull by the horns" should  become "Take the flower by the thorns." Um, most flowers don't have thorns. And even if they do, why should anyone punish themselves by poking themselves wityh thorns. You CAN be careful.

Now, like most people, I'm really, really not into torturing animals. But as usual, don't you think PETA is taking things just a wee bit too far?

As you'd expect the Twttersphere is not having it.

@tryzick put in a dig in by saying: "Raising awareness and teaching us new phrases? That's killing two birds with one stone right there."

Another wag, Nick Wing, a reporter at Huffington Post, @nickpwing added this: "We should also addressthe 800-pound gorilla in the room who is the  perfect weight because we don't body shame here."

Wing also observed this truthism: "Few things unite the right and left like an opportunity to dunk on PETA." 

At least the organization is one of those great uniters, huh?

Convenience Store Crime Goes Hilariously Off The Rails

The video in this post is so ridiculous I at first I thought it was fake. A set up.

Watch the video at the bottom of this post to find out why the shelves
in this Alberta convenience store are slightly bent. 

But apparently, it's real.

As Deadspin described it: 

"A man and a woman visited the King Street Reddi Mart in Spruce Grove, Alberta, Canada.... and the convenience store owner eventually called police on the suspicion that the man had been using a stolen credit card. 

By the time the couple left the store, they had lost a shirt and shoe, gained a deep understanding of the store's layout, and earned themselves a smorgasbord of charges: Using a stolen credit card, resisting arrest, assaulting a police officer, attempting to disarm a police office, resisting arrest from someone aiding the police, among others."

You'll see at about two minutes into the video why the CBC reports that some store shelves are now "slightly bent." It is one of many highlights in this video.

Exciting day at the convenience store, I guess.

Watch:

If You're Having A Bad Day, People In These Videos Had It Worse.

The remains of a Turkish mansion after an out of control ship hit
it in the Bosphorus Straight.

Sometimes, things just don't go right during a day on the job.

Lately, quite a few people have had that happen in a huge way.

A lot of what you are about to see look like at least potentially fireable offenses. So keep checking out this post every time you make a mistake at work.

It could always be worse.

First, we go to Denmark, where it was time to demolish an old silo. It was all set up. The giant silo would come down, and tilt to the right and crash into an open lot.

Bummer. The damn thing tilted to the left. Where, of course, there was a building in the way.  Part of the silo landed on a library and cultural center. While that building was badly damaged, most of the books inside were saved, even though they were covered in dust.

Watch:



Next, we go to the Bophorus Straight near Instabul, Turkey, where, unfortunatly, a ship's rudder recently failed.

Which is bad, but it got worse. The out of control vessel smacked into the Hakeimbasi Salih Efendi mansion on a recent afternoon. The opulent place was built in the 18th century and has recently been used to host weddings and concerts. The mansion appears to have been destroyed.

Not after the ship hit it. It was quite an impact, as you can see from the video below. Luckily no injuries were reported



Now we go to our nice close neighbors in Montreal, where, on an icy day in early April, the cargo hold of a truck lifted up as it sped along Highway 40. Nobody is sure why yet, but it sure led to a dramatic crash into a pedestrian bridge

The load of corn went everywhere, and a motorist nearby filmed the whole thing.

Strang truck mishaps seem to be an epidemic. A truck loaded with empty beer kegs plunged off a Pennsylvania overpass recently, spilling the kegs all over Interstate 95 and forcing a temporary closure of one of the world's busiest highways.

Then there's the famous 11 foot, eight inch bridge in North Carolina, which continues to claim the lives of many trucks which are too tall for the low overpass. Despite numerous safety measures and warnings that have been installed there over the years, trucks continue to hit the railroad bridge.

Yeah, people are stupid.

Here's the Montreal crash


Finally, this is what happens when a car stalls out on a California freeway. This video was taken a couple months back.Yikes!

NRA Is Really, Really Mad At You For Dissing Trump

The guy in this NRA ad is really, really mad that people
on TV make fun of Donald Trump 

The National Rifle Association - NRA - have become quite the media stars in addition to their advocacy to make sure each and every one of us owns a complete arsenal. Even if you're mentally off the rails.

Then again, the NRA ads are a bit off the rails, aren't they?

It's odd that the group with all the guns feels like the ones that are beseiged, but whaddaya going to do?

There was this ad from last year, in which Dana Loesch couldn't contain her bitter anger at people who had the gall to exercise their First Amendment rights to protest against Trump, and while they were at it, protest against racism, income inequality and other social ills.

In NRA world the Second Amendment trumps (ha!) the First Amendment. Go figure.

Anyway, critics said the Loesch ad was an open call to violence, and I do see that point.

Now we have a new ad from the NRA, and it's, um, something.

This new spot features another very, very, very angry person named Grant Stinchfield. Why is everybody with the NRA so angry? They get what they want from Congress. They have almost unfettered access to their guns. Trump loves 'em. They should be ecstatic.

They're not, though. In this ad, a seething Stinchfield stands next to a television, holding a sledgehammer. On the TV are quick clips of a variety of people and shows, including Saturday Night Live, John Oliver, CNN and others bashing Trump.

Stinchfield, finally having enough of this, smashes the TV with his sledgehammer. Then there's the logo, "NRA TV. Our Greatest Weapons Is Truth."

I wish the NRA would tell the truth about all these mass shootings we have and what we should do about them, but you can't expect much. Just this afternoon, I'm seeing reports of another school shooting, this time in Florida. Does the NRA look at tragedies like this as free advertising? Well, that's a debate for another post.

I don't know if that NRA claim to truth is, um, true or not, but as many people on social media have pointed out, it's awfully hard to watch NRA TV if you've smashed your television with a sledgehammer.

As the Huffington Post points out, Twitter, as usual, was unrelenting in its response to this NRA ad.

Some top Tweets on this:

"Anyone wonder why he didn't shoot the TV?"

"Do the NRA snowflakes need a safe space so big bad words won't hurt their little feelings?"

"I'll wear my little brother's t-shirt and smash my TV with a sledgehammer, with cowboy music playing, then I'll act all mad and tough....oh yeah, make sure there's plenty of black people appearing on the TV."

Here's the ad, if you can stand it.

Saturday Night Live Cold Opening Awesome, But No Stranger Than Reality

The cold opening of SNL Saturday night, a parody of
the Morning Joe show, really had to try hard to outdo
the real life stuff that Trump is creating. 

I have to feel sorry for the writers at Saturday Night Live. 

Their forte is making fun and satirizing the news, but how in the world can you possibly top what's really going on in the world these days. Especially in Trump world.

SNL does a valient attempt, and in case you missed it, I share with you the cold opening of last night's episode.

It was a parody of Morning Joe, the a.m. news show on MSNBC.   Kate McKinnon did a wild, hilariously frustrated version of the Morning Joe co-host, Mika Brzezinski. Leslie Jones made an appearance as Oprah Winfrey, and the big hit was Bill Murray making a return engagement to SNL as Steve Bannon.

Worth the watch, below:

Right Wing Wackos Have Interesting Theories On News Events

So here's one from the conspiracy kooks: One wacko
theory says that Ellen Degeneres was somehow involved
in the Las Vegas mass shooting. Um.....

It's been quite a week for extreme right wingers, nationalists, neo-nazis, and all wackos on the far right.

They've spent the week explaining things to us and proposing solutions to problems that are just stunning in their brilliance and creativity.

I'll offer just a few examples

1. ELLEN DEGENERES MASTERMINDED LAS VEGAS SHOOTING

Milo Yiannopoulous, the zany former Breitbart writer who we learned through Buzzfeed that he collaborated with white supremicists, has solved the big Las Vegas mass shooting mystery. The assault, the nation's worst in modern history, left 59 people dead, including the shooter, who committed suicide.

Milo's explanation is brilliant. Of course, he raises more questions than he answers. First, Milo said there is an "extraordinary lack of curiosity in the media" about the shooting because the guy who did it was white.

He also noted the media stopped asking about the security guard who first encountered the shooter in the hotel. He went "missing" and avoided the media until he appeared on Ellen Degeneres' show this week.

Milo noted that the guard was "sweating and panting like he'd been briefed to say certain things and not others" while being interviewed by Ellen. Moreover, Ellen supposedly has a "relationship with the hotel chain," and that, of course, proves that she was in on it, or maybe even masterminded it for all I know, but Milo didn't go quite that far.

Milo didn't offer a motive, but the right wing hates gay people, who they believe all are capable of unspeakable crimes. Ellen is gay. Then again, so is Milo, so this is a bit complicated.

2. JOURNALISTS SHOULD BE SHOT IF THEY ASK QUESTIONS/DO THEIR JOB

In May,  then Montana Congressional candidate Greg Gianforte assaulted Guardian reporter Ben Jacobs because Jacobs was aggressively asking him questions, which reporters are supposed to do.

Gianforte won the election anyway, and ended up being convicted of misdemeanor assault. Gianforte apologized to Jacobs, and donated $50,000 to a press freedom group. It all ended well, right?

Well, Karen Marshall doesn't think so. She's with the Gallatin County, Montana Republican Women, and she said had Jacobs questioned her like he did Gianforte, she would have shot him.

Get that? If a journalist asks obnoxious questions, they deserve to be murdered. Why should the public, via the media, know what an elected official does or thinks? It's none of our business, right? Democracy, is stupid, Marshall seems to think.

So yeah, Marshall is creepy and someone to definitely stay away from.

3. ROY MOORE SAYS GAY MARRIAGE WORSE THAN SLAVERY

I learned this week I've been committing a crime against humanity since 2012. That's when I married Jeff, my same sex husband. We're happy, but Roy Moore came into the picture to set things straight.

We learned from Moore that gay marriage is worse than slavery. 

First, some background. Moore just won the Alabama Republican primary for U.S Senate to fill the now empty seat of Jeff Sessions, who is now the very odious U.S. Attorney General. Moore won fame for, among many things, being kicked off the Alabama Supreme Court for defying federal court orders to remove a 10 Commandments statue and for telling state judges to ignore the U.S. Supreme Court Obergefell ruling legalizing gay marriage.

Moore is still very, very bitter about gay marriage.  This statement by Moore came out last November, but there's no evidence that he's changed his mind.

"In 1857, the United States Supreme Court did rule that black people were property. Of course that contradicted the Constitution, and it took a civil war to overturn it. But this ruling in Obergefell is even worse in a sense because it forces not only people to recognize marriage other than the institution ordained by God and recognized by nearly every state in the union, it says that you now must do away with the definition of marriage and make it between two person of the same gender or leading on, as one of the dissenting justices said, to polygamy, to multi-partner marriages."

Of course, if you don't want to be gay married, and don't want such ceremonies in your church, you're free to avoid that. And since when did Obergefell legalize polygamy?

And two guys or gals marrying each other is worse than holding someone captive for a lifetime and forcing him to work endlessly for no pay?

Oh, well.

WACKIEST OF ALL: HOLLYWOOD FULL OF DEVIL WORSHIPPING CANNABALS

There's a so-called pastor names Rodney Howard-Browne who took part in a "laying of hands" prayer on Donald Trump in the Oval Office last summer. He's got some interesting ideas on what really goes on in Hollywood.

And he says it's much worse than the extremely icky revelations about Harvey Weinstein.

Howard-Browne informs us that Hollywood is rife with devil worshippers who conduct human sacrifices and drink the blood of children.

And I just thought most Hollywood actors were sort of narcisstic hedonists, but otherwise pretty harmless.

Alex Jones Is Looking To Hire. Sane People Need Not Apply

Would you work for this guy? He's hiring. 

I love picking on Alex Jones because he's such an easy target, and let's face it, I'm a bully.

The latest news, as reported in the Huffington Post and other news outlets, is Jones is looking to hire more employees at his batshit InfoWars network.

As the Huffington Post notes, a lot of people had a lot of fun making tongue-in-cheek  "job inquiries" on social media.

Some of my favorites:

--- Does your insurance plan cover chemtrails?

--- I will have my lizard people send uou my resume via chemtrail, as we discussed earlier telepathically.

 --- Do you provide tin foil hats, or do I have to provide my own?

--- Does the commitment have to be court-ordered, or is voluntary commitment sufficient?

--- What is the preferred number of false flag jobs a candidate needs in their resume?

The Gays Did It

This wacko says Texas was devastated by
Hurricane Harvey because The Gays Did It.

I notice this repeatedly with every disaster.

The religious nutjobs all blame The Gays whenever there's a calamity. It's like clockwork.

It's as much of a cliche as TV reporters getting blown away while yelling into a camera on a hurricane-blasted beach.

We saw "The Gays Did It" with Hurricane Harvey and we'll surely see it if Hurricane Irma turns out as bad as feared.

Here's an account from Right Wing Watch:

"Extremist anti-LGBTQ pastor Kevin Swanson is joining other radical religious right activists in declaring that Hurricane Harvey is God's judgment on Houston and other cities the refuse to repent for their embrace of 'sexual perversion.'.....

"....Swanson said it is no coincidence that Houston was hit by this storm because 'it was persecutiving pastors and churches' and recently had a 'very, very aggressively pro-homosexual mayor. On top of that, the Texas legislature recently failed ot pass a bill 'that would have prevented cross-dressing men from using the women's restrooms' because 'they wanted to encourage the abomination of men attempting to dress lie women and women to dress like men.'"

Phew! That's a lot to unpack.

I'm sure Swanson and his ilk are too snowflakey and just plain flakey to sit down with someone to see if we can pick apart their logic.

But I would love to get in the same room with him and force him to answer these questions:

If God hated the former lesbian mayor of Houston, why now with the flood? She's not the mayor anymore.

Surely, some of Harvey's victims did not vote for that former mayor and some probably supported the failed "bathroom bill" in Texas in which transgendered people would have been prevented from using restrooms that go along with their current gender.

So why were your allies victimized by Harvey and by extension God, Mr. Swanson?

The Harvey flooding and devastation was, if anything, even worse in Port Arthur and Beaumont, Texas. Those cities are pretty conservative and I think neither ever had a gay mayor (but I could be mistaken)

So why the suffering in Port Arthur and Beaumont?

Why is it always The Gays that prompt God to unleash disasters on unsuspecting cities? Why doesn't God also smite cities that have adulterers, liars, sinners, etc. Only the Gays. Makes me suspect you think God might be a self-loathing closeted gay person. Is that what you think?

Today, Right Wing Watch told us about another loathesome "preacher," Jim Bakker, who used Houston to say The Gays Did It and to hawk his line of survivalist products.

Hey, nothing like making a buck off of God's imagined wrath, right?

All this is meant to get the general public to hate gays, because The Gays seem to be causing one cataclysm after another. I can't believe that these purveyers of The Gays Did It don't realize that nobody is buying it, and everybody is laughing at them.

Probably even God is laughing at them at this point.

Even people who don't really believe The Gays Did It rejoice in bringing it up. The odious Ann Coulter got a lot of heat after Harvey when she Tweeted:

"I don't believe Hurricane Harvey is God's punishment for Houston electing a lesbian mayor. But that's more credible than 'climate change.'

Okey dokey.

The former Houston mayor, Annise Parker responded via Twitter: "Darn it, I thought no one knew I had super power over weather."

As a gay guy, I wish I did have such power.  I want to be one of the gays among those Gays Who Did It. Of course I would never want to unleash a disaster on anyone, including these weird "religious" nutcases. Nice weather for everyone, but with enough well-timed rain to prevent droughts.

I'd make exceptions, though. For the Gays Did It preachers and hucksters and swindlers, I would impose on them a lifetime of  low, dark overcast, fog and freezing drizzle. And nothing else.

There's plenty of real-life blame to go around for weather disaster. It's legitimate to blame the randomness of nature, bad luck, poor planning and development decisions, recklessness, even global warming.

We all know that most of us wouldn't want to make deadly disasters worse than they already are. Most of us have an impulse to help, which explains the many millions of dollars from so many Americans that are pouring into Texas for hurricane relief.

A few people like to make things worse, though. Or at least more bizarre. Like The Gays Did It crowd.

They're their own weird little disaster.

No, The Eclipse Won't Poison Your Food And Won't Mean You're About To Die

If you haven't heard that a total solar eclipse is going to cross the United States on Monday you really have been living under a rock.

No weird space aliens or anything are going to
get you during the eclipse, so relax

Everyone who has seen such an eclipse says it's just an amazing experience as the darkness descends. It is otherworldly, and probably for some a little scary. That's understandable.

What isn't quite as understandable is the beliefs some people still hold about eclipses. NASA felt compelled to put out a fact sheet to debunk some popular theories as to what might happen.

For one, you won't go blind during the eclipse, unless you insist on looking directly at the sun as the eclipse unfolds.  Some people apparently think blindness happens just if you're in the path of it, ignoring all the people who remained just fine and eagle-eyed after they experienced an eclipse.

Then there are wackier notions. An eclipse is really just a shadow. The moon gets in the way of the sun, so you can't see it, and things go dark. It's that simple.

So, no, there won't be any strange, dangerous radioactive or cosmic rays killing us, poisoning our food if you prepare it during an eclipse, or killing your fetus if you are pregnant. So fix that sandwich during the eclipse and if you're a mother-to-be, go out and look at the event. Your kid is going to be fine.

I can understand that in ancient times, before we understood what eclipses are, that people would think the world is ending, or that something bad was about to happen. After all, who'd expect to be out on a sunny day and then the  sun suddenly decides to gradually fade to black. Pretty weird, huh?

Still, a few people nowadays have a bad experience shortly after an eclipse and think the celestial event caused it. When really the bad experience was just random bad luck.

So no, if you get sick after the eclipse, it's probably because you used spoiled mayonnaise when you made that sandwich during the eclipse.

Eclipse paths are random, and some areas over time have seen them more often than others. Here in Vermont, the last total eclipse hit parts of the state in 1932. A total eclipse is scheduled for northern Vermont in 2024.

Which means a corner of northeastern Vermont will have seen a total eclipse twice within a century.

However, as I listened to VPR yesterday, I learned the poor city of Rutland, Vermont keeps missing the path of total eclipse.

Rutland last had a total eclipse in the 1300s and won't have one again until the 2300s. So about 1,000 years.

Sorry, Rutvegas.