Christmas Gifts Only The Weirdest Could Love

I'm sure all of your friends would just LOVE a nose
warmer that looks like a spider! 

The Huffington Post recently put up an article that is sure to bring joy, or pain to every holiday shopper out there.

It's a comprehensive list of some of the more, um, novel Christmas gifts you can share this year.

I'll let you read the whole story, but I will cherry pick some of my favorites from this list.

One of these special Christmas gifts is a Trump bottle opener, which has the sound of Trump ranting. One of the messages spouts off about fake news when you use it. Frankly, I hope my nice cold bottle of beer is not fake news when I open it, so I'll pass on this one.

Ugly Christmas sweaters are all the rage in recent years, and I think I found the worst yet. It depicts Santa, sitting on a chimney, pants down, taking a dump down the chimney into somebody's fireplace. I think that qualifies as worse than getting a lump of coal in your stocking.

Here's the sales pitch from the company that sells this thing. "Ugly Christmas sweater has a whole new meaning when you rock up wearing something that literally takes a dump all over the Christmas season. He delivers to every boy and girl in one night, folks - when you gotta go, you gotta go."

I don't think this sweater is turning into a hit. At last check it was on sale - meaning they're trying to unload this, um, mess. The price keeps going down. It started at $84.95, went down to $78.95 and at last check was a low, low $59.95.

Still too pricy for me. Even so, you might want to continue on with this shitty Christmas idea. You can combine the above gift with the book "We Wish You A Poopy Christmas."

Honestly, the sales pitch for this book is even worse than the one for the poopy Christmas sweater:

The worst possible ugly
Christmas sweater.

"Curl up by the fire with some steaming hot chocolate and listen to Fudgy the Poopman offer his unique take on your favorite Christmas tales. You're probably familiar with Rudolph and his red nose, but in this book, you hear how Christmas was saved by Rupert, whose case of IBS has left him with shining red spot on the opposite end of the reindeer body."

I'm not sure why our nation's recent infantile obsession with poop is so rampant, but this Christmas stuff proves it's jumped the shark and must end now.

Moving on, the Christmas season is often chilly, especially for us northerners. We wear coats, hats, mittens, and even ear muffs. But what if your nose gets cold?  Well, of course there's a Christmas gift solution!

Keep your schnoz warm with a Spider Nose Warmer. I just love how the marketers of this thing in their sales pitch have absolutely no command of the English language. I'll quote it verbatim, with no editorial corrections:

"Nose warmer pom pom Christmast gadget. Funny nose gift nose heath Vegan friendly, Nose cozy winter heater. Your noise never been worn, it's made just for you....A unique practical way to keep your nose warm. Sure to be a hit with all. Fun and useful, great for everyone. Loops on each side of the Nose Warmer hook behind the ears, stretchy easy and comfortable to wear. And feets all."

Feets all? I thought it was a nose warmer. No thanks, I'll pass. They say a cold nose is a sign your dog is healthy. I'll just assume that if my nose is cold, I'm healthy.

I haven't finished my holiday shopping yet. I'm a last-minute kinda guy. But rest assured, family and friends! You're not getting any of the items listed above. If that disappoints you, buy 'em yourself!

Apple, John Lewis/Elton John Christmas Ads Are Actually Pretty Awesome

A new Christmas ad from Apple is one of the better ones this year. 

Most everyone who knows me understands that I'm not all that into Christmas.

I'm especially not into the constant onslaught of holiday ads, most of which are stupid, a waste of time, and just harangue you to buy, buy, buy.

The unmistakable message in these ads is you are a horrible person if you don't buy the perfect material gift. If you don't make Christmas memorable and perfect for everybody, you're a failure.

Some ads are better. At least they try to give an uplifting message. Like this year's offerings from Apple and John Lewis, the British retailer.  Yes, the purpose of the ads is to get you to buy Apple products and merchandise from John Lewis. Bur they do seem to go beyond the consumerist intent and remind us there are other things to think about.

First, I'll tackle the Apple ad, then get into John Lewis/Elton John, which I have more mixed feelings about.

In the Apple ad, I nice Pixar-like production called "Share Your Gifts," a young woman is seen in her apartment with her dog, writing or creating art on her Apple laptop, printing the work out, then being bitterly disappointed in her talent and stuffing the papers into a box.

The young woman is obviously creative and bright, but fears sharing her talent with anybody. Maybe they won't like it. Maybe they'll think her talent is stupid or something.

The dog finally takes matters into his own hands, pushing the apartment window open and sending the papers from the box flying out into the gusty, snowy city where they live.

The woman frantically runs outside trying to collect the papers, but to her horror,  they blow onto the clothes and into the hand of passersby. Those passersby look at what's on the papers, and their reactions are completely different from what she expected.

The soundtrack makes the ad complete. It's the marvelous song "Come Out and Play" by Billie Ellish.

Here's the ad



Every year, John Lewis, the British retailer, releases an elaborate Christmas season ad meant to touch everybody who sees it.

Some bah-humbugs usually hate them. I'm personally not fond of the Christmas season, so I skew to the bah-humbug crowd. Still, a good ad is a good ad, so I do get all verklempt if the ad touches all the right emotional buttons.

Elton John is the subject of this year's John Lewis Christmas ad.

Usually, John Lewis comes through. This year, I have mixed emotions. The ad this year is certainly touching. And it involves Elton John. I've always been a big fan of his. Ever since I was a little kid.

This year's ad shows Elton John, this year, sitting at a little piano in a modest living room lit up with a Christmas tree.

The piano, we think, is probably one he got as a young kid. It shows him playing three notes, then launching into the familiar chords of "Your Song." He's been through a lot, and at age 71, the ad does not mask the time that has passed.

The ad then journeys backwards through Sir Elton John's life. It goes through recent concerts, his wild days as the ultimate international star in the 1970s, back to when he recorded that beautiful love tune "Your Song," which basically launched his career. Then we see him in small clubs, wowing people with his talent.

It goes back further, with a very young Elton performing at an elementary school recital, with his confident, encouraging mom in the audience. Then it goes back further, on Christmas morning, when he unwraps the piano his mother gave him.

As a toddler, Elton looks at the piano, and plays three simple notes. Then we go back to present-day Elton, and he plays those same three notes, looking wistful and emotional, wistful and grateful.

The reason I have mixed emotions over this ad, is I just hate how companies these days stretch to find "synergy" with current pop moments, with the cooperation with current pop stars. Elton John is on his big farewell tour currently.

It looks like John Lewis is hanging its pitch on this current pop moment, and Elton John is promoting his tour by hooking up with some big retailer.

Still, the ad is touching and to be honest,  it does have a great message. The tagline at the end of the ad says, "Some gifts are more than just a gift."

No pressure here.  It looks like John Lewis expects you to buy your loved ones something as life-changing as that piano Elton John got as a little kid.

But still. I can think of numerous things that kind people have done for me over the years. On the surface, those nice gestures were no big deal. It might have been a thoughtful compliment, a supportive word when I was down, a joke when I needed it

The people who did these things for me probably don't even remember them. But they had a profound influence on my life. Maybe not as big as Elton John's piano, but significant enough. I'll always cherish and remember those giving, warm moments people gave me.

I'm sure we've all had the benefit of these random moments people gave is that helped us so much. I also hope that I've done things that, however subtlely, changed the direction of someone's life. I bet you hope that, too.

I hate the Christmas season because of the manufactured pressure to give the perfect gift, decorate just perfectly, and just be shallow consumers.

The John Lewis ad does expects us to engage in that superficial buying to create some commercial idea of a "perfect" holiday.  The part of our modern Christmas culture that I hate.

But I hope the ad, intentionally or not, also encourages us to dig deep, or maybe not so deep. Perhaps just a kind word. A compliment to somebody who thinks they don't deserve it. Or even just a smile in the long, boisterous line at the big box store.

You never know what just a mellow, friendly, brief gesture can do to a person. That person's life.

Anyway, you be the judge. Here's that John Lewis/Elton John ad. Tell me what you think:

Jeb Bush Lunch Bags and Clocks, Elizabeth Warren Discos, Bernie Finds Religion: Weird Gifts

Just in time for Christmas gift giving.
A Bernie Sanders prayer candle! 

Mother Jones just put out a gift guide of sorts, featuring some of the more unusual political gifts you could give this holiday season.

Bernie Sanders seems to be the politician most featured in these items, but there's stuff for people of every political stripe.

Following are some of the um, novel products Mother Jones featured, in no particular order.

There's a Bernie Sanders prayer candle, available on Etsy from an outfit called GoSaintYourself. 

The candle dubs Sanders "Saint Bernie" and has him wearing what appear to be Roman Catholic robes, holding an ancient Bible and I don't know what else.

Sanders is Jewish, but that's kinda besides the point, I guess.

Wouldn't you just love to have this Bernie Sanders/Elizabeth Warren
Holiday Disco Paper Ornament? 

Brown bagging it to work? Then how about a collection of brown bags with Jeb Bush's face painted on it, and the logo "Jeb Bush For President *2016*"?  Could be a good diet gimmick. You see that lunch bag and you won't want to eat.

How about a Jeb Bush clock instead? It's a clock dominated by a stern looking Jeb Bush, probably telling those lazy good for nothing low income people to get back to work dammit, lunch time is over!

Probably my favorite political gift highlighted in Mother Jones is the Holiday Disco Party With Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren Paper Ornament.

The ornament is just as it says. It depicts Bernie, in red hightops, and Elizabeth Warren in full party dance mode with a mirror ball festooned with holiday lights above them.

True, I wouldn't call real life Elizabeth Warren a Dancing Queen, and Bernie Sanders isn't exactly John Travolta, (though he did dance a bit in a recent appearance on the Ellen show.)

Unfortunately, the Holiday Disco Party With Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren Paper Ornament proved hugely popular, and is sold out. Ahhhhhh.

On the bright side, though, from the same company, FullSnowMoon you can still get a paper ornament depicting Chris Christie serving cookies, John Boehner as a Christmas elf or Donald Trump as part of a still life of a bowl of fruit.

Worst 2015 Christmas Gift Idea: Bacon Scented Underwear

You can buy this bacon scented underwear for just $20 each! 

For the processed meat fan on your Christmas list, I've solved your gift giving problem:

Bacon scented underwear!

Yes, you can buy such underwear from an outfit called J&D's for the low, low price of $20. It comes in both women's and men's styles!

The underwear design also features a strip of bacon in a most strategically placed spot in the front of the undergarments. What fun!

J&D's has the following tongue in cheek product warning on their web site:

"Our legal team has advised us to post the following warnings:
---If you have a large dog with razor sharp teeth, please to don fall asleep in J&D's Bacon Scented Underwear.
-- J&Ds Bacon Scented Underwear is not recommended for people in the following professions: mail carriers, zookeepers, veterinarians, dog catchers and walkers, and circus performers (especially lion tamers.)
--If you are hiking in the woods where bears are known to roam, please do not wear Bacon Scented Underwear without also carrying a firearm."

Everybody loves bacon, and bacon is in everything nowadays so why not underwear?

If you're looking for sexy undergarments, though, I don't know if this is going to be the Next Big Thing. I mean, who wants to get hungry for food when you're also hungry for a little loving?

I don't think this is going to be a substitute for any of the most popular colognes out there, either. Imagine being in a high end nightclub. You might catch whiffs of Chanel, Ralph Lauren, Marc Jacobs, Dolce and Gabbana perfumes and colognes, then, bacon?

By the way, J&D's also offers bacon-scented pillowcases and bacon scented lip balm! 

Sorry, I'm skipping the bacon underwear. And the pillowcases and lip balm.  Maybe if I'm that desperate, I could have bacon for breakfast then rub my greasy hands on myself it I want such a scent.

But, no. Bacon is for eating, not for wearing.

The Annual Stupid "I Hate My Christmas Gifts" Parade

Little snots who hate their Christmas gifts
because they're, well, snotty.  

The ever snarky Gawker has this fun Christmas and post-holiday feature in which they somehow find Tweets and other social media messages from jerks, often teens who can't quite get into the holiday spirit in terms of gift giving and such.

Here are of few of my favorites:

"Irelandmac" informs us:

"Hate the fact my parents don't let me pick out my own clothes because I end up pretending to like everything I get."

I'm sure you're an awesome fashionista, Irelandmac. Tell everyone not get you anything for Christmas next year. You're on your own, kid.

"Plaidxluke" tells us:

"I hate when parents say, 'I buy your food and put clothes on your back' like you were the only one who chose to have a kid shut ur fucking mouth."

Yeah, Plaidxluke, I kinda wish your parents chose not to have you, so we at least agree on that.

Another more anonymous Tweet says: "I'm sad bc my parents won't buy me a new phone, i hate them."

Someone didn't get a jacket like this and
had a meltdown. Poor baby.  

Yeah, I'm sad that you exist and I'm glad you don't have a new phone, so now you won't be able to call or text anyone with your stupid complaints.

Someone else on Twitter got gifts, apparently, but not the ones she wanted.

She was mad, too! At least judging from this all caps message: "DIDN'T GET A PAULS BOUTIQUE JACKET!!!  WORST CHRISTMAS EVER I HATE MY PARENTS

Girl, have you actually LOOKED at Paul's Boutique jackets? With their giant logos splayed across the ugly material on these items?  What are you, a Project Runway reject?

I hope you didn't get any of these kids  something for Christmas. Better check their Twitter feed to make sure they're not jerks like this.

Some Of The Better Christmas Gifts Out There

Most people know I'm pretty much a bah-humbug kind of guy during the Christmas season, especially over the past week, which is crunch time for getting your act together for the holiday.

I feel the same as Charlie Brown: If it ain't perfect,
it's bad, say the Christmas Nazis. I disagree.  

By Monday and Christmas Eve, it's basically too late to do anything about it.  What's done is done, and where I fell short for Christmas is where it's going to be. I can't change it.

I swear the Christmas season is expressly designed to torture people with ADHD. Not the holiday itself, mind you,  but the way the retailers, the marketers, the people trying to sell you stuff expect things to be so they can be happy and rich.

Because it's our duty to make the retailers and such people happy and rich for Christmas, after all. That's the spirit of the holiday.

But we've been conditioned by the advertisers and media to believe that everything has to be perfect, that we have to get the perfect gifts, bake the perfect cookies, have the perfect Christmas decorations arranged perfectly, and we have to behave perfectly.

And we have to be happy, happy HAPPY!!!! If not, you're a scumbag.

Then you have people like me. The ADHD crowd. Or even people who don't have it, but are just not into these demand for perfection.

My Christmas gifts fall short. My decorations are sloppy or nonexistent. I didn't even bake any cookies, so I must be a really terrible person.

I do like it when something happens in the real spirit of the holiday, if you allow me to use that cliche. I like to highlight these things, even when they don't expressly relate to the holiday. So I search for people giving the perfect gifts.

No, not the perfect gifts the mall wants you to buy, or Martha Stewart wants you to make by hand.  I'm talking about gifts that are important, that mean something. Most of the kinds of gifts I'm talking about don't cost any money. But they are the most precious you can give.

So here's some that have been in the news lately. Most of the ones listed below, in a series of videos and links,  appeared in the Huffington Post recently.

Reading about them makes me feel better about the holiday, and I hope they do the same for you.

Happiness and Acceptance:

Rion Holcombe, who has Down's Syndrome, was anxiously awaiting news of whether he'd get into Clemson University. Clemson has a special program for people with disabilities who want a post-secondary college experience.

Finally, Holcombe received a letter from Clemson.  Here's his excellent reaction to the news contained in the letter:



An Xbox and an Arm:
Christopher Kiezek, 6, of Long Island, New York, asked Santa for an Xbox, which isn't such an unusual think. He also asked for a left arm so he could play with the damn thing.

He was born without a left arm, and needs a prosthetic one. He outgrew an old one.

His parents' insurance company won't pay for one because it's not necessary for him to survive, according to the cold calculations of the insurer. (Gotta keep the profits strong and the stockholders happy!!)

A family friend overheard Christopher ask Santa for the fingers to play with the Xbox.  He started a fundraising effort on line, and enough money has been raised so that he'll get one soon.

Hearing the Music:

A dad had been deaf most of his life, but new technology allowed doctors to implant some special hearing aids so that he could hear. The biggest gift: Hearing his daughter do a solo for the first time at a Christmas chorale. The technology required the daughter to wear a special microphone so that her dad could hear. The moment is priceless:






Dog and Man's Friendship Survives Bad Moment:

This one isn't technically good news, but I love the loyalty.  A little before Christmas, John Miles was walking his dog Lucy in Boston's Dorchester area when some moron ran the two of them over and kept on going (The jerk hasn't been caught yet)

Miles was unconscious on the street, in a spot where few people would see him. Lucy, herself injured, searched for help until she saw people in a nearby dentist's office. She barked and barked until she got the people's attention, led them to Miles, where they called for help and rescued him.

Miles is recovering and so is Lucy. She has a torn ACL and the surgery to fix it will be expensive. However, Bostonians and others who heard about the situation have been donating cash to pay for the surgery.

Teacher Receives the Perfect Christmas Gift

Texas math teacher Jennifer Davis got the letter pictured below and she says it's the perfect gift. (click on the image to make it bigger and easier to read.)

We agree: Awesome gift. And I have a feeling the kid who wrote it is going to turn out just fine, even if math isn't that much fun:

Korean Lilac Cheers Me, Darlusz

"Matt, you sister and dat husband she got really nize. What dat day leave out dare on da deck,?" asked Darlusz Zabagaiski, the Polish frog who lives here at my St. Albans house.

"They sure are nice. They left me a beautiful Korean dwarf lilac to plant out in the yard," I replied. It's a beautiful gift. It blooms a little later than traditional lilacs. It's smaller, and has these gorgeous dark, shiny leaves with curvy edges. Just a gorgeous shrub.

The lilac will be another step in my goal to eradicate as much lawn as possible and convert it to gardens.

"Where you plant da what you call, Korean lilac,?" Darlusz asked.

Darlusz the Polish frog checks out the
dwarf Korean lilac my sister got
me as a gift.

"I think it will look great on the right side of the driveway, sort of across the driveway from the big lilac I already have. The Korean lilac can act as sort of an echo to the other one. It will also add a nice point of interest to an area that is a little too flat, with plantings that are a little too even, with not enough variety,"  I said, trying to fake some good landscape design chops as I talked.

"I help you plant," Darlusz said.

"OK, but no eating bugs around the lilac. I don't want you knocking it down and damaging it," I said.

"First we have to decide exactly where to plant it," I said. "Darlusz, you're good at placing things in the right spot. You can guide me," I said.

That was a big mistake. I brought the lilac in its pot out, and placed it in a spot I thought would work. "Move dat six inch to da right," Darlusz said. I complied. "No, now up da hill four inches, no a little down hill, to da right....."

This lastest most of the morning.

By the time we finally settled on a place to plant the lilac, it was getting late. I started digging the dirt in the spot where it will go, but decided to come back to it today. The dirt is surprisingly lousy there, full of rocks and a little bit of garbage like broken light bulbs and plastic that the strange, previous owner of my house buried.

I'll dig out an area much bigger than the lilac's root ball and replace it with quality soil. "I help you haul da good dirt here," Darlusz said.

"OK, but you'd better not be as picky as you were today," I said.  We have to get this thing planted tomorrow.