Matt of All Trades blog, like the title suggests, is by a Vermont author and offers offbeat musings on pop culture, media, journalism, humor, weirdness, stupid people, smart people, my life as a journalist, landscaper, photographer, married gay man, dog lover and weather geek and more. It's run by me, Matt Sutkoski, a native Vermonter living in St. Albans, Vt.
This guy marching in a Pennsylania 4th of July
parade gives us some badly needed comic relief.
The news is even more depressing than usual this week
I don't mean to minimize what's going on in the world and the nation. It's serious and we need to address it.
However, we also need some comic relief. Because as seriously as we need to take everything, we also need to relieve our brains from it all with some fun. For mental health.
So, I'll cue in this guy twirling a baton in a Fourth of July parade in Monroeville, Pennsylvania.
I don't like to use the word "fabulous" with its connotation, but this time it works.
Where the gentleman lacks in finesse he more than makes up in terms of attitude.
The gross algae bloom in Florida. Photo by Terry Spencer/AP
Nobody's going in the water and everybody's pointing fingers of blame in Florida for something truly disgusting:
A soupy, icky, possibly toxic algae bloom is gumming up the shoreline at the peak and heat of summer.
As if alligators and unrelenting humidity weren't enough, now you can't go in the water.
Or even near it.
Florida Gov. Rick Scott has declared a state of emergency because of the blue in southeast parts of the state.
And everybody's pointing fingers at each other in blame for the ickiness.
The algae is there because of polluted, phosphorus-laden water coming from Lake Okeechobee, about 35 miles away from the affected areas.
The governor says it's the federal government's fault for neglecting repairs to the lake's old dike system.
He could have a point, since the Army Corps of Engineers is inadequately funded for this type of thing. Plus, there was tons of rain in Florida this past winter and spring, so with their inadequate system, they had to release more tainted water from the lake than usual.
But lots of state officials have looked the other way as farming and other interests have dumped pollution and phosphorus in the Lake Okeechobee. Had they cracked down on that, this not have been such an issue.
As local public radio station WQCS noted, there was a deal in the works back in 2011 for the Florida Legislature to buy more land around Lake Okeechobee for water storage, but Governor Scott's administration came in and put an end to that idea.
So yeah, this might be Scott's fault, too.
Area residents say the algae smells so bad that they have to stay indoors, and when they do go outside, some of them get watery eyes and respiratory problems.
Plus, wildlife is suffering, too, and some marine animals are probably dying because of the algae.
This kind of thing happens elsewhere due to poor pollution controls, mostly from agricultural, sewage treatment plant and industrial runoff.
Here where I live in Vermont, toxic and thick algae have lately made appearances in and around St. Albans Bay, which I can see from my hillsice home, in the past few summers. That has caused swimming bans and warnings to keep children and pets away from the algae-slimed water. It could hurt or kill them.
Of course, it's expensive to enact pollution controls that would prevent all this phosphorus and other bad stuff from getting into waters around Florida, the Great Lakes, Vermont and elsewhere.
But do we really want to spend our summers holding our noses and worried about our health because of all this algae in the water?
Heres an aerial view of the algae in Florida to give you an idea of the scope of the Algae From Hell
And he's a sad video of a manatee trapped in the algae goop and a family trying to hose it off to give it some relief. It's unclear if the manatee made it out of the algae and survived or not:
What with the zika virus, toxic pollution in the water, high crime, construction delays, corruption and a Brazilian government in disarray, things aren't looking too hopeful.
In the future, it would be nice if the Games were hosted in a nice, stable country, like Norway.
But Norway, who had considered bidding for the 2022 Olympic Games, is out. Part of it is people in Norway sensibly wondered whether it was a good idea to build a whole bunch of sporting venues that would be used for a couple weeks and largely abandoned.'
The International Olympic Committee didn't help their case with Norway because members of that panel are the worst divas in the world.
Yes, that's right. The committee blew with hilarious demands that would make the most narcisstic rock band or politician blush. Donald Trump wouldn't even go this far.
Here,according to Slate,is how Norway would have to treat the International Olympic Committee members if the 2022 event had occured in Norway:
--- They demand to meet the king prior to the opening ceremony. Afterwards, there shall be a cocktail reception. Drinks shall be paid for by the Royal Palace or the local organizing committee. --- Separate lanes should be created on all roads where IOC members will travel, which are not to be used by regular people or public transportation. --- A welcome greeting from the local Olympic boss and the hotel manager should be presented in IOC members' rooms, along with fruit and cakes of the season. (Seasonal fruit in Oslo in February is a challenge...) ---- The hotel bar at the hotel should extend its hours 'extra late' and the minibars must stock Coke products. --- The IOC president shall be welcomed ceremoniously on the runway when he arrives. --- The IOC members should have separate entrances and exits to and from the airport. --- During the opening and closing ceremonies a fully stocked bar shall be available. During competition days, wine and beer will do at the stadium lounge. --- IOC members shall be greeted with a smile when arriving at their hotel --- Meeting rooms shall be kept at exactly 20 degrees Celsius at all times. --- The hot food offered in the lounges at venues should be replaced at regular intervals, as IOC members might 'risk' have to east several meals at the same lounge during the Olympics.
Gosh, these demands are especially heavy on the booze, aren't they? The International Olympic Committee seems to be an incredible gang of lushes.
It also turns out that many members of the International Olympic Committee are members of hereditary royal families from various countries, so of course they want to be treated at all times like super special kings and queens and fragile (but boozing!) princesses.
Really, between the expense of setting up the Olympics and the obnoxiousness of the Olympic Committee, nobody wants to host the games.
As Yahoo Sports notes,the 2022 games will either be held in Beijing, China, which is at least 120 miles from the nearest ski mountain, and Kazakhstan, which is well, Kazakhstan.
Other cities, like Oslo, keep taking themselves out of the running for the Olympics, especially in countries where the citizenry gets a say in the matter.
Krakow, Poland is out for winter, 2022, too. Boston said no to the summer Olympics in 2024.
No wonder the International Olympic Committee seems so intent on drinking so much. Nobody likes or wants them anymore.
The best act of defiance against the homophobia and possible quote, unquote Islamic radical fundamentalism that fueled last month's Pulse nightclub massacre is Keep Dancing Orlando.
The catchphrase has turned into a rallying cry, a Twitter hashtag and a touchstone of rebellion against those not only kill people, but also kill the joy out of life.
The whole area around Orlando has adopted Whitney Houston's song "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" and the accompanying hashtag #KeepOrlandoDancing in joyful defiance of the hate that culminated in the murder of 49 people who were out dancing that night in June at The Pulse nightclub.
I like how the Orange County Sheriff Department, which includes Orlando, got involved in this, with their own Keep Dancing Orlando video.
The sheriff's office Keep Dancing Orlando video opens with what looks like a press conference featuring "an important announcement by Sheriff Demings."
Sheriff Deming steps up to the podium and says: "We're here for an important announcement today. I wanna keep Orlando smiling. Keep dancing Orlando!"
Then he places a boom box on the podium and suddenly we hear Houston singing "I Wanna Dance With Somebody," and then we're treated to many scenes of Orlando County Sheriff personnel dancing.
Not all the personnel in that office are great dancers, but who cares? Joy stomps terror.
(H/T JoeMyGod for this story.)
The Sheriff Department video is at the bottom of this post. Definitely worth checking out.
Here's the Orlando Sheriff's "Keep Dancing Orlando video
Big trucks "rolling coal" emitting huge clouds of black smoke. Healthy and not adding pollution to the atmosphere, right?
There's one in every crowd. Or several.
Certain people on the road want to be more obnoxious than everyone else.
It's a competition, you see.
One bit of obnoxiousness that's been popular for a few years is a phenomenon called "rolling coal."
Young men, almost alll of them losers with very small dicks who are overcompensating, trick out their big he-man pickup trucks with a smoke stack and mechanical stuff that lets these morons trick the engine to need more fuel.
The result is a burst of black smoke that has bystanders choking on the fumes, other drivers blinded by the clouds, and these losers laughing hysterically. Because they're too stupid to laugh at anything else, I guess.
Ogburn: "If you've never heard of rolling coal, Jake Rogakis can explain it in one sentence."
Rogakis: "To roll coal is to pretty much just floor it and blow as much black smoke as you possibly can."
Ogburn: "Rogakis has tuned his diesel engine so that he can blow clouds of thick black smoke from his tailpipe on purpose."
Rogakis: "It's just fun. Like, go drive my truck. You'll have a blast, guaranteed."
Ogburn goes on to explain that Rogakis is one of about 100 guys hanging around a Fort Collins strip mall, mostly to compare notes on their big trucks and their rolling coal contraptions.
I really hope Fort Collins is so boring people are reduced to doing this, but my guess is the problem is not really Fort Collins, but these young guys without imagination.
Ogburn asked Brock Anderson and Cory Wiggins, who were in another group from Rogakis at that Fort Collins parking lot, why coal rolling is so popular.
Anderson: "I'm not sure. It's - you know, why do people do a lot of things, you know what I mean? It's 'cause everybody's doing it."
Wiggins: "You also get more power, and it's just something cool. Ladies like it."
Anderson: (laughing) "No, I don't know if women like that."
Wiggins: "No, all ladies love it."
Anderson: "No"
I'm with Brock here. Notice how delusional Cory is. He thinks he's such a lady killer with his black smoke and his presumably teeny tiny, um, anatomy. By the way, Brock Anderson is fairly reasonable. Unlike some of his friends, he says he only does this out on the farm, with nobody around, so nobody gets a cloud of black smoke in their face.
My guess is most women, and most people for that matter, actually don't like rolling coal. Guys, don't date the few women in the world who like rolling coal!
Anyway, let's go on.
Let's get back to our friend Jake Rogakis, who loves his rolling coal truck.
He says he doesn't envelop people in smoke, "Unless they, like do something to make me mad, cut me off."
There ya go, Jake. They cut you off, you blind them with smoke and have them crash into somebody else. Real considerate of you.
Rogakis, like many coal rollers, has a particular enmity against bicyclist. It seems all these guys with big trucks hate bicyclists.
"If you see a bike, you just can't help but to do it. No matter how many times you do it, every single time, you'll still get a smile on your face."
Yeah, blinding bicyclists in choking smoke and making them inhale potentially cancer causing and lung disease causing diesel particles is a real laff riot.
A bicycle tour group from Canada was recently the victim of some idiot repeatedly rolling coal with his big nasty truck in otherwise scenic north-central Vermont,says the Burlington Free Press.
One of the tour group members, Steven Fischer, said his group was blasted by the truck, then it came back.
"Ten minutes later it was my turn. The truck - at least I think it was the same one, but I can't be certain - pulled up beside me and unleashed another black cloud."
This, not surprisingly, is not the first time bicyclists in Vermont or elsewhere been tormented by those idiots rolling coal.
The Free Press quoted Phyl Newbeck of the Green Mountain Bicycle Club who said he's been blasted by these idiots.
By the way, if you were thinking this rolling coal stuff is illegal, it is. It violates the federal Clean Air Act. Plus federal and many state guidelines prohibit altering vehicle exhaust systems like the rolling coal boneheads do.
Of course, it's hard to catch all these idiots because you can't read the license plates through all that smoke.
So, we can only hope for karma for these small dicked diesel dumbasses. They deserve a good asthma attack, or a little bit of lung disease, maybe?
That's mean, but karma's tough, you know.
Here's a video of a motorist haveing to deal with some idiot "rolling coal" in Essex Junction, Vermont:
An artist is taking zillions of mugshots
from websites and blurring them,
then doing search engine
optimization so people go
to the blurred images not the
for-profit mugshot web sites.
There's always creeps who try to take advantage of people's past mistakes for fun and profit
So it is with a multitude of online mugshot web sites, which lets you find out which of your friends got arrested in the past, and what they looked like in their mug shots.
Of course, said mugshot victims can try to get these images scrubbed from the internet, but you pay an extortion fee to get the job done.
Things got really bad back around 2010 and 2011, when shysters put up web sites full of people's mugshots, and charged people exorbitant amounts of money to have them scrubbed.
According to the Kernel/Daily Dot,some states passed laws meant to hamper these extortion sites, especially after Wired magazine wrote an expose on the practices back in 2011.
Google changed its algorithm so that mugshots weren't priortized so much. Visa and Mastercard pledged not to process money if it was for these mugshot extortion outfits.
Of course, this is the internet. So there's still slimy outfits around.
There are still many extortion websites that might or might not be somehow affiliated with the actual mugshot sites to get people to pay money to get rid of the mugshots.
Never mind the fact that I don't understand the appeal of looking at arrest mug shots of random people.
Since it's definitely hard to get rid of this situation, there are some people who are conducting some guerrilla warfare on the mugshot industry.
One of them, says Wired magazine, is an artist named Paolo Cirio, who is using the mugshot website tools against them.
"Cirio scaped images from six websites (he claims to have 15 million photos) and used an algorithm to blur them. Then he created websites with slightly different URLs - Busted-Mugshots.us became BustedMugshots.com for example - and did a little search engine optimization so his images appear alongside real mugshots. "When data is technically indestructible, obfuscation might be the last resort," he says.
Not that the mugshot outfits are particularly happy with all this. BustedMugshots.com has sent Cirio a cease and desist letter, says Wired.
I know mugshots are public information, and journalists and everybody else should have access to these public records. You know, government accountability and all that.
But these websites that claim to be posting the mugshots for public service are really doing it for entertainment purposes and to make a profit.
It's sleazy.
Says Cirio about his efforts:
"I hope the viewers will demand the need for rights concerning personal information and reputation over the internet."
