My Annual Darlene Love Christmas Greeting

Darlene Love and Jason Derulo perform this year's "Christmas (Baby
Please Come Home." on "The View"

Every year, because Christmas is the season of tradition, I do my annual Darlene Love Christmas greeting.

Here's the recap: My favorite holiday song is Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) made famous by Darlene Love way back in 1963.

She sang it every year from 1986 and 2014 on the David Letterman show. When that went off the air   she moved to "The View."

It's now nice every year when Darlene Love comes on that show and puts a temporary end to the hosts' constant bickering.

This Christmas  is a bit different for me than recent ones.  Usually, I have to stay in Vermont while my husband travels to South Dakota to be with family.  Normally, I can't go, as since I work for a retailer, I have to stay to the bitter end at Christmas. No holiday trips to South Dakota for me!

Except this year. A generous boss at work gave me some time off, so I've joined husband Jeff in South Dakota this year. So it's beautiful chaos for me as numerous in-laws, nieces, nephews wander in and out. And I'm with my husband, so I don't have to whine about baby, please come home.

Of course, this means I'm not with family in Vermont, so you can't have everything.

On "The View" this year Darlene Love was joined by Jason Derulo for this year's rendition. Here you go and Merry Christmas!

Fake SNL Macy's Ad Nails What We Hate About Christmas, Especially When There's Children

Things aren't nearly this happy in a fake Macy's Christmas ad
from Saturday Night Live that gives us a dose of reality in the
midst of all the fake Christmas cheer. 

I'm a bah hum-bug kinda guy during the Christmas season, so I really get irritated by those chirpy-voiced ads on TV from those retailers announcing their holiday sales specials.

Most of the narrators sound like they are offering a sippy cup to their toddlers.

I don't know why they're offering me things in that tone of voice. I'm not a toddler and I like to think I'm more mature, smarter and more experienced than a toddler.

But who knows?

Now, Saturday Night Live hasn't been very great this year, but this week, they did a fake commercial from Macy's that is just perfect.

The sippy cup voiced actress touts the latest clothing offerings from the retailer. The first few seconds of the video offer the standard offerings for the adults. You'd easily mistake it for a real Macy's Christmas ad.

Then the bulk of the rest of the ad gets into those cute childrens' outfits that will ultimately be worn by not-so-cute children. And their exasperated parents have to deal with it. Which causes all kinds of stress, such as public embarrassment, hatred toward kids and marital discord, all things that are NOT supposed to happen at Christmas, according to the marketers.

Sample ad copy from this video, which is so like real life:

"All month long, we're taking 25% off boys' merino wool sweaters that won't fit over his head," the sippy cup narrator states.  The video shows a fed-up dad trying to put the sweater on his squirmy young son. "If you'd stop squirming, it would be on already!," the blandly handsome dad hisses at the kid.

As we all know, the stress of Christmas brings all these on more than any other time of year. So yeah, bah-humbug!

I think the video, at least in one sense, brings us the true feeling of Christmas, or at least the aspect of it in which society demands that everything be perfect and happy, but we can't quite live up to reality.

I think a lot of people agree. The video had 4.3 million views within less than 48 hours of when it was posted.

It's a great video for everybody. But I imagine it's fantastic for parents of young children. Watch and enjoy and feel the catharsis:

No Platinum Mines In This Needed Feminist Update of "Santa, Baby" by Miley Cyrus

One of my least favorite Christmas season songs is the 1953 Eartha Kitt classic, "Santa, Baby."

In the song, Kitt purrs her way through a gift list she wants from Santa when he "comes down the chimney tonight. "

In the long list of expensive things she wants is  a car, specifically a nice 1954 convertible, light blue. Also, holiday decorations from Tiffany's, a sable (who wears real fur coats anymore?). big checks with lots of zeros after a first integer, a duplex (why a duplex, why not just a house?) and of all things, a platinum mine.

Who the hell would even think of asking for a platinum mine for Christmas? Who the hell would want one?

That old gold digging song needed a serious update. Most women I know don't pine for all that weird stuff anymore.  They especially don't wish for a platinum mine. Some women might want to shove a bad, lousy ex into a platinum mine, but that's another story.

Miley Cyrus recently appeared on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. There she was in a cute green and red Christmas outfit, lounged out on a couch. With an earnest smile that is apparently required whenever you sing a holiday song, she belts out "Santa, Baby."

But this Miley version is seriously updated.  Sables, checks, cars and platinum mines are out.  Cyrus's "Santa, Baby" now has a refreshing feminist twist. Sample lyric:

"Santa, baby, I've got a baller car of my own, no loan. I bought it all by myself, Santa baby, with zero help from Elf on the Shelf."

The rest of the song is definitely worth a watch and listen. Especially when she gets to what Santa and other men can do with their chimneys:

Here ya go!

Christmas Gifts Only The Weirdest Could Love

I'm sure all of your friends would just LOVE a nose
warmer that looks like a spider! 

The Huffington Post recently put up an article that is sure to bring joy, or pain to every holiday shopper out there.

It's a comprehensive list of some of the more, um, novel Christmas gifts you can share this year.

I'll let you read the whole story, but I will cherry pick some of my favorites from this list.

One of these special Christmas gifts is a Trump bottle opener, which has the sound of Trump ranting. One of the messages spouts off about fake news when you use it. Frankly, I hope my nice cold bottle of beer is not fake news when I open it, so I'll pass on this one.

Ugly Christmas sweaters are all the rage in recent years, and I think I found the worst yet. It depicts Santa, sitting on a chimney, pants down, taking a dump down the chimney into somebody's fireplace. I think that qualifies as worse than getting a lump of coal in your stocking.

Here's the sales pitch from the company that sells this thing. "Ugly Christmas sweater has a whole new meaning when you rock up wearing something that literally takes a dump all over the Christmas season. He delivers to every boy and girl in one night, folks - when you gotta go, you gotta go."

I don't think this sweater is turning into a hit. At last check it was on sale - meaning they're trying to unload this, um, mess. The price keeps going down. It started at $84.95, went down to $78.95 and at last check was a low, low $59.95.

Still too pricy for me. Even so, you might want to continue on with this shitty Christmas idea. You can combine the above gift with the book "We Wish You A Poopy Christmas."

Honestly, the sales pitch for this book is even worse than the one for the poopy Christmas sweater:

The worst possible ugly
Christmas sweater.

"Curl up by the fire with some steaming hot chocolate and listen to Fudgy the Poopman offer his unique take on your favorite Christmas tales. You're probably familiar with Rudolph and his red nose, but in this book, you hear how Christmas was saved by Rupert, whose case of IBS has left him with shining red spot on the opposite end of the reindeer body."

I'm not sure why our nation's recent infantile obsession with poop is so rampant, but this Christmas stuff proves it's jumped the shark and must end now.

Moving on, the Christmas season is often chilly, especially for us northerners. We wear coats, hats, mittens, and even ear muffs. But what if your nose gets cold?  Well, of course there's a Christmas gift solution!

Keep your schnoz warm with a Spider Nose Warmer. I just love how the marketers of this thing in their sales pitch have absolutely no command of the English language. I'll quote it verbatim, with no editorial corrections:

"Nose warmer pom pom Christmast gadget. Funny nose gift nose heath Vegan friendly, Nose cozy winter heater. Your noise never been worn, it's made just for you....A unique practical way to keep your nose warm. Sure to be a hit with all. Fun and useful, great for everyone. Loops on each side of the Nose Warmer hook behind the ears, stretchy easy and comfortable to wear. And feets all."

Feets all? I thought it was a nose warmer. No thanks, I'll pass. They say a cold nose is a sign your dog is healthy. I'll just assume that if my nose is cold, I'm healthy.

I haven't finished my holiday shopping yet. I'm a last-minute kinda guy. But rest assured, family and friends! You're not getting any of the items listed above. If that disappoints you, buy 'em yourself!

Our Yearly Tradition: Darlene Love Gives Us "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)"

Darlene Love (left)  performs "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)"
with Fantasia in this year's installment of a Christmas tradition.

We have to do our yearly Christmas Eve tradition today: Darlene Love singing "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home.)"

It's my favorite Christmas season song, mostly because it's not sticky sweet saccharine like most holiday songs, which are awful.

Most of them are so sentimental and icky that you go into a diabetic coma if you hear just 10 seconds of them. ("I'll Be Home For Christmas.") Or they're so deliriously happy that you wonder what kind of drug they're taking ("Santa Claus Is Coming To Town") Or they're so stupid and odious they make you want to throw up. ("Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer")

Not "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)," popularized by Darlene Love. Musically it's an uplifting, take me to church melody. The lyrics are bittersweet. The emotional complexity of the song, at least compared to almost all other holiday songs, makes this one work

For 29 years, Darlene Love made it a tradition to sing this tune on David Letterman's show. Click on this mashup of her years on David Letterman for proof that Darlene Love sure isn't losing any of her glorious power as the hears go bh.

However, Letterman went off the air. So "The View" took it over, and now they're in their third year. Of course, as always, you will see and hear this year's video of her performance at the bottom of this post.

This year, Darlene Love got some help from Fantasia, the awesome R&B singer.

Love and her song have become such a national Christmas tradition that she's turned up elsewhere, too. Click on this link for a fun video of Darlene Love performing the song on "The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon" in which Love, Fallon, The Roots and Anna Kendrick perform the song accompanied by child classroom instruments, which is a regular feature on this show. It's a bit tinny but surprisingly good.

Without further delay, here's this year's Darlene Love's Christmas performance, with the fantastic Fantasia from this year. Merry Christmas everyone!!!

Woman Gets The BEST Help Decorating Her Christmas Tree

I'm sure you have your holiday decorating done by now, given that it's just two days before Christmas.

Next year,  however, you ought to plan on hiring this woman's helper. She got her Christmas tree decorated in flash, thanks to her handy helper. Watch:

Tha Annual Darlene Love Christmas Salute

The great Darlene Love continued her Christmas
tradition on "The View" this year 

As I've done for several years on this here blog thingy, on Christmas Eve I always feature Darlene Love's classic "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)"

It's one of the few holiday songs I actually like.

Love actually.

Darlene Love doesn't age, whether it be on the 28 years she sang this classic on David Letterman, and now the second year on "The View" now that Letterman is off the air.

She's supposedly 75 years old, but I don't believe it.

By the way, Darlene Love has a new album out. She doesn't quit, does she? Thank goodness.

At the end of this year's performance from "The View", we get a little taste of Patti LaBelle to make things even sweeter.

I mention sweeter in connection with Patti LaBelle not only because of her awesome voice, but also because she has now gotten doubly famous for her sweet potato pie, which is a HUGE holilday hit at Walmart. 

Here's the video of this year's performance of Darlene Love's "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" on "The View"

Happy Holidays everyone!!!!!

Bah-Humbug! Lots Of Reasons To Hate Christmas

You're supposed to be exceedingly cheerful at Christmas.  That's the demand.

I'm going to break the rules here.  Christmas is not all it's cracked up to be.

Don't get me wrong, if Christmas makes you happy, then great! I'd never want to take away your joy.

I'm just saying that if there are aspects of the holiday you don't like, it's time to rebel against the Christmas dictators who demand, demand, demand that the holiday be just one great big orgy of joy, no matter how you really feel.

BE HAPPY

I'll start with that Christmas rule: Always be insanely cheerful.

Now, there's nothing at all wrong with being happy. Who doesn't want to be happy?

The problem is the Christmas Powers That Be demand that you be happy. You don't get to choose your emotions. Or feel how you really feel.

If you're starring in that proverbial country song, the one where your wife left you, the dog died, the truck won't start, you got evicted from your house and you're out of beer, too bad! Smile! Ho, ho ho!

Forget decking the halls. If I were in that situation I'd want to deck whoever was demanding that I be happy because it's Christmas.

BE PERFECT

The other demand at Christmas is that everything has to be perfect. You need to decorate the house just so; you, your relatives and friends must all behave perfectly at all times and complete the humanly impossible task of never making a mistake.

Again, it's all good to try to be nice, try to do your decorating nicely, have nice holiday gatherings, but why the pressure to make things perfect. One of the things I like most about my friends and family is that they're terrific, but not perfect. I'm certainly not perfect, either.

Why can't we all just let people be who they are at Christmas? It's against the rules, apparently

TORTURING THE MENTALLY ILL

Speaking of perfect, some people are simply mentally incapable of making everything just right. Take me: I have ADHD. I don't use that as an excuse for my mistakes, because I try to compensate for my short attention span and frustrations by working at my strengthts, learning from my mistakes, and doing any mental trick I can to focus.

At Christmas, though, that's not good enough. In the pursuit of perfection, you have to juggle thousands of details to get things just right. Because Christmas demands that you be perfect, dammit! And wipe that frown from your face! We already went over being insanely happy!!

Lose track of one thing, forget one detail, and you've ruined everything, according to the Christmas rules. You can imagine the pressure that bears on people with ADHD.

My ADHD is a minor issue. What about people who have serious mental issues?

It turns out that the idea that there are more suicides around Christmas is a total myth. However, people prone to stress, who already have enough pressures in their life, tend to go off at Christmas, at least from my observations.

That's part of the reason why you have those fatal stampedes on Black Friday as people scramble to get that perfect gift that's almost sold out. (See, there's that damn word "perfect" again!)

I work in customer service. The vast majority of customers I work with are really nice. But a few just go off like CRAZY if we've sold out of something or something has gone wrong with a delivery. Is it really a national tragedy that we've run out of white amaryllis plants but still have plenty of red ones?

To a few people, the answer is yes.

HOLIDAY MUSIC IS HORRIBLE

Speaking of torture, holiday music is what sends me off the deep end. It's either so saccharine that I go into a diabetic coma, or it's so maudlin I want to strangle someone. Or the holiday music is off-the-charts stupid.

C'mon. Barking dogs singing "Jingle Bells?"  The song "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" is one of the most popular Christmas songs ever. Really?

Then there are those icky sad songs, because, here we go again, the songwriter is upset that they violated the "Happy, Perfect" rule of Christmas. So we get obnoxious sad sacks crying, "I'll be home for Christmas, but only in my dreams."

Dude, just book a flight home during your next vacation! It doesn't have to be at Christmas, despite what the Christmas fascists tell you.

Then there's, "I'm Dreaming of A White Christmas," which brings me to my next issue:

DOES IT HAVE TO SNOW?

What's with the obsession with snow at Christmas? It's not Christmas, apparently, unless it's snowing, or at least there's snow on the ground.

I almost never see Christmas images without snow. It must make the people who live in places like Florida feel terrible. (Even though they're not supposed to feel terrible because it's Christmas!)

Frankly, Christmas snow often just gets in the way. The snow grounds that flight that would have taken you to Grandma's house for the holidays. Then again, the trip would have probably been wasted, since old Grandma got run over by that stupid reindeer.

This Christmas, the snow epicenter of the United States appears to be North Dakota, where a holiday blizzard is forecast. Would you really want to get in your car to see family only to die in a frigid whiteout on a North Dakota highway?

DIdn't think so.

Yes, the snow can be pretty and clean and white, but who wants to shovel a foot of pretty and clean and white from the driveway, you know, to make everything perfect?

OFFENDING PEOPLE

Then there's the stupid "War on Christmas"  Despite the fact we don't like being told to be happy and cheerful and kind, we try to do it anyway. Can't hurt to make an effort, right?

Well, yes it does! If you wish someone a "Merry Christmas," chances are they're not religious and they yell at you for shoving Christianity into their faces.

So, when the next person comes along, you just wish them "Happy Holidays." Big mistake. Why are taking Christ out of Christmas, they demand. You hate God, they say.

You just can't win.

I feel better after this rant, thank you. Merry Christmas. Or Happy Holidays. Or just leave me alone until Boxing Day, OK?

This Is The Right Way To Retaliate Against A Homophobic Neighbor

Lexi Magnusson's rainbow holiday lights  

There's a couple of neighbors in Washington State that aren't getting along with each other all that well this Christmas season.  

On the bright side- literally - the neighborhood had a lot more colorful holiday lights than it otherwise would have had there not been this disagreement between the homeowners in Kitsap County, Washington

This all started when a new family moved into Lexi Magnusson's neighborhood.

That new neighbor told Magnusson that she moved there from Oregon to "escape the gays and the transgender."

Magnusson was annoyed, but kept her mouth shut because she's sick and tired of all the yelling about politics and social issues this year. She was also confused about how anybody could "escape" gay and transgendered people since the pretty much live everywhere.

However, Magnusson felt the need to retaliate against her neighbor's bigotry. So she put up 10,000 lights on her bushes in rainbow colors to signify her opposition to her neighbor's stance on gay people.

The two neighbors aren't talking, though Magnusson said she still waves a friendly hellow to her anti-gay neigbhor.

We Replaced Yule Log With Dumpster Fire Because 2016 Was That Kind Of Year.

Spirt of the holidays: A 2016 dumpster
fire Christmas tree ornament. 

You all know the Yule Log on TV. Just footage of a fireplace, burning log crackling amidst the flames.

Peaceful.  Homey. Warm.

But that's most years, This year is different. What a disaster of a year!

So, at the bottom of this post, enjoy 13 minutes of a fake dumpster fire, which pretty much sums up the mood of this season.

Maybe a train wreck would be more appropriate, but that would be too much of a fire hazard for your house, I think.

We'll settle for the dumpster.

If you're really inspired by the dumpster fire below, and really want to get into the spirit of the season, click on this sentence to learn how to make your own dumpster fire Christmas tree ornament.

Now the video:

Wanna Lead A Christmas Parade? New Yorkers Said Yes

Improv Everywhere is at it again.

It's a group of people who rope random people into bizarre but fun and harmless situations. It's always fun to see how people react to these moments.

This time, they asked passersby in New York City to lead an imprompu Christmas parade through parts of town.

They always put out videos of these little stunts, and these vides are always happy little visual jaunts.

This is no exception. If you need your day brightened, and many of us do, have a look:

Sad Story Of Child Dying In Santa's Arms Proves To Me Santa Is "Real"

Eric Schmitt-Matzen, aka Santa, did a hero's job for a
dying boy. Just the dose of humanity we needed

UPDATE/EDITOR'S NOTE

This is disillusioning, but the Knoxville News Sentinel is now saying they can't verify the veracith of this story.

A statement from the News-Sentinel says in part:

"Since publication the News-Sentinel has done additional investigation in an attempt to independently verify Schmitt-Matzen's acount. This has proven unsuccessful. 

Although facts about his background have checked out, his story of bringing a gift to a dying child remains unverified. The News-Sentinel cannot establish that Schmitt-Matzens' account is inaccurate, but more importantly, ongoing reporting cannot establish that it is accurate."

If there are further updates, I'll either update or delete the post, whichever is most appropriate.

PREVIOUS DISCUSSION:

You know damn well there's a Kleenex warning with this story.

The viral story going around now is about the hospitalized child in Tennessee dying in Santa's arms.

The whole thing is hopelessly sad and tragic, obviously, save for one bright spot. The man who was playing Santa, Eric Schmitt-Matzen, is an absolutely beautiful human being.

When not Santa, the white-bearded, six foot one, 310 pound man is president of a company called Packing Seals & Engineering in Tennessee.

I'm sure he's a great mechanical engineer and CEO, but Schmitt-Matzen gave us all a welcome dose of humanity in a world that seems sorely lacking in that department.

There's a heartrending video interview with Schmitt-Matzen at the bottom of this post, but if it is too much to watch, what follows is a narrative of this simultaneously terrible and beautiful story.

According to the Knoxville News-Sentinel, the story begins with an urgent telephone call.

It was a nurse from the hospital Schmitt-Matzen knew. She told him to come right away for a sick five year old boy. The nurse told him don't even change into your whole Santa Clause outfit. There wasn't time.

I'll let Sam Venable, an author, storyteller and columnist for the Knoxville News-Sentinel pick up the story here:

"Schmitt-Matzen got to the hospital in 15 minutes. He met the lad's mother and several family members.

'She'd bought at toy from (the TV show) PAW Patrol and wanted me to give it to him,' he said, voice growing husky. 'I sized up the situation and told everyone, If you think you're going to lse it, please leave the rom. If I see you crying, I'll break down and can't do my job.'"

Venable wrote that nobody entered the room with Santa, but watched, sobbing, through a hallway window in the hospital's ICU.

Schmitt-Matzen continued, as relayed by Venable:

"'When I walked in, he was laying there, so weak it looked like he was ready to fall asleep. I sat down on his bed and asked, 'Say, what's this I hear about you're gonna miss Christmas? There's no way you can miss Christmas! Why, you're my Number One Elf!'

He looked up ad said, 'I am?'

I said 'Sure!'

I gave him the present. He was so weak he could barely open the wrapping paper. When he saw what was inside, he flashed a big smile and laid his head back down.

'They say I'm gonna die,' he told me. 'How can I tell when I get to where I'm going?'

I said, 'Can you do me a big favor?'

He said, 'Sure!'

'When you get there, you tell 'em you're Santa's Number One Elf, and I know theyll let you in.'

He said, 'They will?'

I said, 'Sure!'

He kind of sat up and gave me a big hug and asked one more question: 'Santa, can you help me?'

I wrapped my arms aroud him. Before I could say anything, he died right there. I let him stay, just kept hugging and holding on to him."

And so, Schmitt-Matzen, aka Santa, sent the boy on his next journey, whereever that might be.

The boys mother ran into the room, screaming, "No, No not yet!"  Schmitt-Matzen handed the boy back to his mother and fled the hospital in tears.

He said he cried so hard driving home he could barely see the road. That's understandable.

What's also understandable is Schmitt-Matzen considered giving up his Santa gig after this. He just didn't have the heart to do it.

But he did one more gig, which was fortunate.  Schmitt-Matzen said, "When I saw all those children laughing, it brought me back into the fold, it made me realize the role I have to play....For them and for me."

At 54 years old, I'm too old to believe in Santa. Or am I?

No, a fat, happy old man from the North Pole is not going to come down my chimney Christmas Eve and give me presents.

You can call people like Schmitt-Matzen what you want. Great human beings, Good Samaritans, or guardian angels.

Or you could call him Santa. This time of year, when I hear stories like this, I'm glad that Santa lives on, not in some hokey television commercial that demands that you Buy, Buy, Buy!, but in the quiet grace of Schmitt-Matzen, aka Santa.

It seems like there's so little of Schmitt-Matzen's type in the world today, in a time when people feel like they have "permission" to scream insults and threats at people they don't like.

I, like everybody else, shed a tear when I read about Schmitt Matzen and the dying boy. Not only for the context of the story, but because it makes me know there are still people like him out there.

Thanks, Santa.

Here's the video. (Warning, it's a real tear-jerker, but worth watching)

Maybe Because I'm Polish, But This Christmas Ad Really Hits Me

This man in a Polish Christmas ad really REALLY
wants to learn English. Find out why. 

Christmas is the season for holiday ads that make you weep, and this one fits the bill.

Here, we have an elderly gentleman who, at the beginning of the ad at least, does not speak English.

But he's determined to learn, dammit. He's got a VERY important person to meet, and that person speaks English, not the Polish our gentleman speaks.

In the ad for Allegro, basically the Polish version of Amazon or Ebay. the man receives some learning material to help him learn English. Fortunately, our English As A Second Language learner is an enthusiastic student.

Even if that means plastering everything in his house, including his dog, with Post It notes labeling everything in English. He even converses with his rubber ducky in the bathtub to make sure he master the English language perfectly.

Spoiler alert: Our eldery Polish gentleman's meeting with the Very Important Person Who Speaks English seems to go well.

H/T my sister Lynn for this find. Here's the video, which is well worth the watch:  Note, there's a surprising moment of NSFW language part way through.

The Reviews Are Awesome On This Donald Trump Christmas Decoration

This $150 "Make America Great Again" Christmas
ornament has gotten some AMAZING revies on Amazon.  

It's Thanksgiving!
 
Which means from now until the end of December it's All Christmas All The Time.  

You know that actually means we are being order by the Powers That Be to Buy! Buy! Buy!

I'm here to help.

You just HAVE to decorate your Christmas tree with just the right ornaments and have I got the decoration for you!

It's a little Donald Trump red "Make American Great Again" hat for the low, low price of $150.00. It's finished in brass and 14 karat gold, just for you.

The reviews on this little gem at Amazon and elsewhere are more priceless than the actual ornament.

Go over to Amazon and check all the reviews out. Here are a few of the best ones.

(H/T BoingBoing)

"It called Mary a nasty woman, told Joseph to go back where he came from, built a wall around the manger and then when you press it it sings, "I'm Dreaming Of A Totally White Christmas."

"Every time I hang it on a branch, it yells "WRONG!" No matter which branch I try, it's "WRONG!" My brother and father can hang it up just fine, but when my mother and I try it's "WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!"

"The angel on top of my tree just hired a lawyer."

"I gave this to my husband as a gift, and now he has a spray tan, tiny hands and a really bad combover."

"I put it above my nativity scene. Jesus wept."

"It tried to put my nativity figures into an internment camp."

"I bought one and Joe Biden came to my house and punched me in the face. I want a refund."

"My Trump ornament keeps telling the other ornaments it's going to help them, while sawing off the branches they depend upon for support. I somehow don't think this is going to end well."

"I didn't even order this, but it keeps showing up in my 13-year-old's bedroom."

"Unfortunately, it was really thin skinned so when I touched it without using velvet gloves it completely fell apart."

"Despite ordering a more reasonable ornament, this one arrived. It. Is. Yuge. It's absolutely yuge. It's the biggest ornament. Yuge. I hung it on my tree but it is so yuge that it has totally unbalanced my whoe tree. No matter where I hang it, the tree leans waaaaay over to the far right. "

"Does yours really say 'Made in China'?  Mine says 'Made By Russian Hackers.'"

"I was so excited to open this and deck the halls...but as soon as i did, wouldn't ya know it, it jumped off the tree and grabbed my pu**y!! Thanks Obama!!" 

Great John Lewis Christmas Ad, With An Even Better Reaction To The Ad

This dog feels temporarily left out of the fun in the
new John Lewis Christmas advertisement. Another dog
watching the ad does NOT feel left out. 

The British retailer John Lewis always has a charming Christmas ad every year, and this year is no exception. 

In this one, parents buy their daughter a backyard trampoline that is enjoyed by some animals, and the dog inside the family house feels left out.

The first video you see in this post is the actual John Lewis ad, and the second video is the kicker.

The second video shows "someone" watching this John Lewis ad, and having the best possible reaction to it.

The first video will bring a smile to your face, the second one will absolutely make your day:



And here's the second video that's even better.

My Annual Darlene Love Christmas Celebration

Darlene Love, looking and sounding better than ever at
age 74, performs her classic "Christmas (Baby Please Come
Home)" on "The View" earlier this month 

For a few years now, I've put Darlene Love in the starring role in this blog thingy on Christmas Eve.

It's a tradition.

Every year, close to 30 of 'em,  the unstoppable Love would perform her classic "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" on the David Letterman show.

But Letterman retired last year, so what would I do, what would Darlene Love do this year?

Well, I said Darlene Love is unstoppable. She turned up a week or so ago on "The View" to do her Christmas song.

As I've said in past years, this is my favorite Christmas song, especially as performed by Darlene Love.

I've heard Darlene Love perform this song dozens and dozens of times, and I still get goosebumps and all emotional and all that when I listen to "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home.)"

It is at once bittersweet and rousing, a mix of terrible longing and joy.

Which is what I often feel at Christmas. This year being a classic example. My husband Jeff is visiting his side of the family in South Dakota, while I'm staying in Vermont with my side of the family

I miss Jeff incredibly, him not being here on Christmas, but he'll be home soon. So Jeff: Christmas Baby Please Come Home. (And I know you will.)

As you'll see in the video below, Darlene Love is as awesome as ever. Can you believe she's 74 years old? Like I said, she's unstoppable. Thank you, Darlene, and Merry Christmas. And happy holidays to everyone else out there.

Here's the video:

Wildly Crazy "Lyssue Paper" Will Solve Your Last Minute Christmas Gift Crisis

This gal named Lyssue Paper will help
you with your last minute Christmas gifts. Beware!! 

I really hope the video in this post is just a parody, a joke aimed at all those do it yourself videos out there.

I'm 99.9 percent sure this is just comedy, but if not, I'm really, really scared of the woman in the video you 'll see below.

Her name is Lyssue Paper, and she's obsessed with tissue paper. She'll make anything under the sun out of this stuff.

Including, Christmas sweaters!

So just watch the video carefully, and you will wow your family and friends with gorgeous tissue paper sweaters, made by you!

I love the wild look in her eyes as she guides you through the process.

H/T to boingboing for alerting me to this.

Watch:

Wishing You "Happy Holidays" Is Not An Insult, You Idiots!"

Texas Agriculture Secretary Sid Miller is going to slap
you if you wish him "happy holidays' instead of
"Merry Christmas." I don't think I'll wish him anything.

Ok, there's an insult in the headline for this post. I called people idiots. My bad.

But, I'm sorry, people who are insulted when somebody wishes them "Happy Holidays" are idiots.

Like it or not, this nation, and the world for that matter is full of Christians, Jews, Muslims, agostics, atheists, Buddists, Sihks and a whole bunch of other persuasions.  

Which means if you never met the person you're greeting, you don't know if they're celebrating Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa, winter solstice or some other year-end holiday. Or maybe they're celebrating nothing at all.

When somebody wishes you "happy holidays," all they're doing is wishing you happiness. That's it.

You'd think all this would be obvious. You'd' think you'd be happy somebody is being nice to you. Just enjoy it. Say "thank you" if you have any ounce of politeness in you. 

However, some people just HAVE to find something to be outraged about. Some people are FURIOUS when you wish them "happy holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas."

Because a small subset of Christians think EVERYBODY just HAS to celebrate Christmas, and if you don't you should just go to hell.

I'm having this rant because of one Sid Miller, the Texas State Agriculture Commissioner, who recently said on Facebook. "If one more person says Happy Holidays to me I just might slap them....Either tell me Merry Christmas or just don't say anything."

Sid, Sid, Sid. When someone tells you "Happy Holidays," they're wishing you well. Maybe they don't  know you that well, so they revert to "Happy Holidays."

And yes, I know it works both ways. It's equally silly to have a hissy fit if someone wishes you a Merry Christmas even though you don't celebrate Christmas. If someone is being nice to you, why be hostile?

Speaking of hostile, respondents to Miller's Facebook whine were not exactly friendly. 

Jon Anderson: "Yeah, I hate it when people gie me well wishes that aren't the exact well wishes I want. It's like someone giving me a present and having it be a gift card to my favorite restaurant instead of to my favorite clothing store."

Ron Coley: "Let me get this straight: If one more person wishes you happiness with words that don't meet your approval, you'll slap them because you are a Christian and that's what Christmas is all about? Oh brother." 

Jonathan Buck: "Great idea! And, a great message for kids! Slap someone if they say happy holidays! Glad someone is focusing in on what is important."

You get the picture.

Sid's complaints about not being wished a "Merry Christmas" is all part of the "War on Christmas" a few conservatives and evangelicals think they see.  Right, Bill O'Reilly?

The Huffington Post offers a helpful chart to help you determine if you are being persecuted or not, so take a look at that, Sid Miller and friends.

What the "War On Christmas" really is is people who can't live with the fact that not everybody celebrates Christmas the way they do, and some people don't celebrate Christmas at all.

Yes, the whole Mary and Joseph and Jesus in the manger thing is really important and wonderful to millions of people and I think that's a great thing.

Is it really in the Christmas spirit, though, to slap down, literally or figuratively, people who are perhaps not that into Christmas, but are still generous enough to wish you well?

It's the season of sharing.  Maybe share some warmth instead of Grinchy bitterness instead.

New Orleans Civil Disobedience: The Homeless Guy Keeps His Christmas Tree, Dammit!

Good Samaritans decorate a Christmas tree
for Philly, a homeless guy living beneath a freeway
in New Orleans. The city took away Philly's earlier
Christmas tree, claiming a "code violation." 

There's a homeless guy named Philly who lives beneath the Pontchartrain Expressway in New Orleans.

Desperate for some holiday cheer, he got himself a Christmas tree, decorated it and set it up next to his tent. (He used some money a passerby donated to him to get the tree.)

The city was not amused. They removed it - twice. Code violation the New Orleans sanitation department said, without additional explanation.

The first time it was taken away, Philly managed to retrieve it from the sanitation truck and set it back up.

The second time, no luck. The city hauled the Christmas tree away and destroyed it.

In a city swamped with crime, poverty and other problems, I'm not sure why removing Philly's Christmas tree took such priority. But many of New Orleans' fine citizens didn't buy the New Orleans sanitation department's Grinchiness.

Television station WDSU reported on the city taking Philly's Christmas tree, and viewers were NOT happy.

"The city that stole Christmas from the homeless," was a typical comment on WDSU's Facebook page.

Residents sprung into action. Several ducked under the Ponchartrain Expressway and gave Philly replacement trees. Several. So Philly kept one and donated others to those in need.

WDSU said one of the people who came to the underpass was Kelly Caruso, who donated Christmas decorations to Philly. "We need to be New Orleanians and band together. With the city taking the tree, was i word I don't use often--shameful....... I don't care what code violation it is, it's the holidays. These people need everything that can unlift them as much as we can," Caruso said.

So far the city hasn't responded to the mass "code violations" the people who brought Christmas trees committed.

Of course, it would be much better if Philly wasn't homeless and could just put up a Christmas tree in his own living room under a solid roof, but this will have to do for now.

It's a start, anyway.

Alton Brown Tells You What Kitchen Gadget NOT To Buy This Christmas

Alton Brown finds a great use for the Perfect Meat Handling
and Shredding Claws, but that use has little to do with cooking. 

Alton Brown, the celebrity chef from the Food Network has some Christmas gift ideas for you.

Some really bad ideas.

In a YouTube video from Daily Dot, Brown rails against these ridiculous "unitaskers" you can buy on Amazon.

Basically, they're gadgets that have only one, limited use, instead of handy things that you can do many things with as you're preparing your holiday feasts.

What makes the viral video fun is how Brown describes in his deadpan way how ridiculous these gadgets are. But of course there are suckers out there buying them.

All the gadgets are indeed bad, but Brown has some sympathy for a couple of them, but not because they're good tools for the kitchen.

One, called the Perfect Meat Handling and Shredding Claws, which shreds meat no better than your average fork. But as Brown notes, the Shredding Claws are perfect if you want to pretend to be the Wolverine. 

Then there's the Rollie, a device that's suppose to cook an egg,  resulting in a highly unappetizing looking egg thing that rises from the top of the machine like some phallic disaster.

The Rollie infomercial is really something to watch, too! 

In the Alton Brown video, it takes the Rollie 17 minutes to cook an egg, a job that usually takes a couple minutes maybe. But Brown notes The Rollie probably has performance issues and is sensitive to being watched while it is, um, erecting the egg.

Here's the video, which is totally worth watching, especially for you foodies out there: