Check Out What This Drunken Driving Suspect Was Wearing

In Newville, Pennsylvania recently, police arrested a guy named Elwood R. Gutshall III, 44 for allegedly driving under the influence. 

Police there said he committed several traffic violations and that his blood alcohol level was up there at 0.217 percent.

He was also driving with a suspended license.

Gutshall's booking photo is in this post.

Check out what he was wearing

Attempts To Avoid Publicity Garner Publicity For This Drunken Driving Suspect

The mugshot that Joseph Talbot
of upstate New York did not
want you to see. 

Drunk driving is wrong, and also, less importantly, embarrassing.

If you're caught driving while intoxicated, chances are your local paper will pick up on this story and publish it. Especially if you live in a small town and/or you're fairly prominent.

Guess what? It gets even worse if you try to hide the news.

According to The Times of Wayne County, one guy learned this truism the hard way.

Police say a guy named Joseph Talbot, 43, of Newark in Wayne County, New York, was arrested recently because authorities said they saw him driving erratically on Route 31 in Palmyra, New York.

He failed several field sobriety tests, and was brought to a police station, where he refused to give a breath sample, let troopers take fingerprints or take a mug shot. (They ended up taking a mug shot anyway.)

Police said Talbot told them he was angry that the mug shot would end up in "that rag" (The Times of Wayne County) and that police were trying to ruin his family.  Police probably wouldn't have tried to "ruin" his family if this guy stayed sober while driving.

Talbot's lack of cooperation  prompted police to add a charge of obstructing governmental administration, in addition to the DUI charge, says The TImes of Wayne County.

The trooper had tried to explain to Talbot that his refusals would create an even bigger story in the newspaper.

It turns out the troopers were right. The big headline in the Times of Wayne County was "Bank VP/Palmyra Man Calls Trooper Asshole. Refused To Have Mugshot Taken."

The article with this headline helpfully included a mug shot of Talbot.

Talbot wasn't done yet. He was released on conditions, and went out to buy 900 to 1,000 copies of the local paper, The Times of Wayne County, from eight different stores.

Newsstand copies of the paper sell for $1.25 apiece, so this idiot might have spent as much as $1,250 on this escapade.

As is always the case with this type of thing, Talbot really made matters much worse for himself. First of all, there are no doubt subscribers to the paper that got home delivery, which Talbot could not stop.

When the stores reported that all the copies of the paper had been sold, The Times was nice enough to estocked the stores with fresh copies of the paper

Plus, as the paper notes, "Now the story has been picked up by several national news outlets."

Embarrassed yet, Mr. Talbot?

Woman Thinks That Driving With 15-Foot Tall Tree Embedded In Front Bumper No Big Deal

The Roselle, Illinois police department took these
evidence photos of a car they stopped because
it was driving down the road with a tree embedded
in the vehicle's grille. 

I admit I'm not always the most attentive driver.

I'm good most of the time out on the road, but every once in awhile, I notice a little late that the light has turned red, or the car in front of me has stopped. I always notice in time, so there's been no mishaps.

However, I am an attentive enough driver, I'm sure, that I would notice if there were a 15 foot tall tree embedded in the front of my truck as I cruise down the road.

I mention this because apparently, a woman in Illinois this winter did NOT notice the 15 foot tall tree embedded in the front grill of her 2004 Lincoln as she cruised down the fine roadways of Roselle, Illinois back in January, says the Chicago Tribune. 

We all found out about this because the Roselle Police Department, in a pleasant, welcome fit of public outreach, decided to post the incident on their Facebook page recently.

I don't know if Roselle Police caught the emotion of the moment in their Facebook post, but you get the idea: "Stopped for driving with a large tree embedded in the front grille," the report said.

To be fair to Maryann Christy, of Schaumburg, Illlinois, who was driving the treed Lincoln, we don't know if the tree was actually 15 feet tall. "We didn't stand there and measure it, but it was a big tree," Roselle Deputy Chief Roman Tarchala told the Chicago Tribune.

OK, it might have only been 14 feet tall, for all we know. My bad.

A motorist who saw the car being driven with the tree attached called police. It's widely reported that Roselle Police did not have much trouble finding the car and the tree driving throught Roselle and quickly made the traffic stop.

You can see in the helpful Roselle Police dash cam video at the bottom of this post that the officer who stopped Christy and her tree looked rather nonplussed. You can almost see the thought bubble over his head: "I don't make enough money to deal with stuff like this."

I also noticed just before the police car came to a stop that the officer was playing Elton John's "I'm Still Standing" on the radio. Was that a tribute to the tree on the Lincoln?

Christy told police that she struck the tree somewhere in her hometown of Schaumburg, which is right next to Roselle, but didn't know exactly where, the Tribune reports.

I'll let the Tribune pick up the rest of the story. Boy, will you be surprised, or not:

"Officers said the woman smelled of alcohol and failed field sobriety tests. She was cited for driving under the influence, police said."

Really?!?

She's due in court April 15.

That would be the perfect time to go out to Illinois to enjoy Christy's court arraignment, and take advantage of the springtime warmth to plant a needed new tree in Schaumburg, Illinois.

Here's the dash cam video from Roselle Police:

No, You Can't Get Out Of A Drunk Driving Charge By Blaming It On Beer Battered Fish

If you ever get pulled over for drunken driving, don't try the following excuse. Turns out it doesn't work.  

A jury decided beer battered fish
did not get this guy drunk.  

John Przybyla, 76, was arrested back in October, 2014 after cops pulled him over for a bad tail light and discovered that it appeared he'd been drinking, television station WSAW in Wausau, Wisconsin reported. 

Przybyla already had nine drunken driving convictions under his belt, so under the rules in Wisconsin, he'd be considered drunk with a blood alcohol content of 0.02 percent. Most states place the limit at 0.08.

Turns out Przybyla's BAC was 0.062, so he was in trouble.

But Przybla had an explanation: He had just eaten beer battered fish. That probably put the alcohol in his blood, not booze, he pleaded. 

The case went to a jury, which didn't buy the beer battered fish argument, WSAW said.

The panel convicted Przybyla of operating while intoxicated, tenth offense, operating with a prohibited alcohol concentration, and operating while revoked. 

Experts say you'd probably ingest a little alcohol if you ate beer battered fish, but you'd have to eat more than you possibly could to even get a buzz out of it. 

 

You'll Never Guess What Police Found In A Container Marked "Not Weed"

This container is labeled, "Not Weed" but.... 

Police arrested a 21 year old kid in Nebraska for DUI and found an interesting container in the car he was in.

It used to contain Land O Lakes sour cream, but that's not what was in it when police discovered the 16-ounce plastic tub.

Somebody, presumably the guy driving the car, used a black marking pen to label the container "Not Weed," according to The Smoking Gun. 

You'll never guess what police found in the Land O Lakes tub.

Oh, you're so smart! It was weed! You, and local police are so clever at unraveling this type of ruse.

Jordan Meier, 21, was busted for DUI.

To be fair, Meier probably doubted police would figure out what was in the container if they found it. Asked why the container was labeled the way it was, Meier told police, "I don't know... I thought I was being funny. Inside joke with myself, I suppose....never thinking it would be confiscated," according to The Smoking Gun.

Bieber And Toronto Mayor Would Make AWESOME Comedy Duo

Ok, I have to go with celebrity news today since that's all anyone is talking about, and apparently, it's national Discuss Justin Bieber's Antics Day.

The Biebs looking pretty happy in his
mug shot photo last night.  

As you surely heard, Justin Bieber, that bad singer who looks like an undernourished, not terribly with-it drag queen, faces DUI and other charges for drag racing in a Lamborghini in Florida. 

Since Bieber is Canadian, and he's overstayed his welcome in the United States, what with all his egg throwing and pathetic pseudo thuggery posing, he should go back to his native land.

This could be a good thing, since his singing career is crashing. Really, how many screaming teen and tween girls are honestly Bielebers anymore?

So Biebs, you've still got money, so throw me a bit because I'm about to give you some career advice that will keep you rolling in the cash and in the public spotlight.

Form a comedy duo with buffoonish Toronto Mayor Rob Ford! It will be the most awesome comedy pairing since Abbott and Costello, let me tell you!

Granted, Abbott and Costello were much less erratic that The Biebs and Ford and their comedy was well done, but we're used to substandard things nowadays, aren't we?

The physical comedy between Bieber and Ford  would be awesome. Biebs, according to his Florida arrest report weights 140 pounds. (I thought it was less than that, but what do I know?)

Ford, that galump, is, well, portly, to say the least. Can you imagine an oil wrestling skit between Bieber and Ford? I'd pay good money to see that!

Judging from the videos, Ford sings (as witnessed by that Jamaican little performance the other night) and dances (another of his famous videos) so this would work well with Biebs, who also seems into singing and dancing. (though not particularly well)

Rob Ford and Justin Bieber would be
boffo as a comedy duo.  

Abbott and Costello's most famous routine was "Who's On First" which was hilarious take on confusion about the names of people on a fictional baseball team.

Biebs and Ford can do their own "Who's On First" by doing some sort of routine on the confusion brought on by the substances they are on. Booze? Crack? Sizzurp? Prescription drugs? Oh, the possibilities!

Biebs and Ford could also play up their Canadian roots, eh?  I imagine some sort of comedy routine between them involving poutine, Royal Mounted Police and hockey.

I think they just have to somehow play with their most famous quotes. Bieber will be forever remembered for telling a cop during his arrest last night, "Why the fuck are you doing this?"

And Ford will always be remembered for his crack cocaine quote: "Yes I have smoked crack cocaine. But do I? Am I an addict? No. Have I tried it? Probably in one of my drunken stupors."

They should also do a road trip buddy movie together. Biebs and Ford, in a yellow Lamborghini, traveling cross country, drag racing bros and finding the best crack houses in every major North American city.

And in the end, they can pull off a Thelma and Louise ending and zoom off the edge of a cliff, so we never have to endure the antics of Biebs and Ford ever again.