No Platinum Mines In This Needed Feminist Update of "Santa, Baby" by Miley Cyrus

One of my least favorite Christmas season songs is the 1953 Eartha Kitt classic, "Santa, Baby."

In the song, Kitt purrs her way through a gift list she wants from Santa when he "comes down the chimney tonight. "

In the long list of expensive things she wants is  a car, specifically a nice 1954 convertible, light blue. Also, holiday decorations from Tiffany's, a sable (who wears real fur coats anymore?). big checks with lots of zeros after a first integer, a duplex (why a duplex, why not just a house?) and of all things, a platinum mine.

Who the hell would even think of asking for a platinum mine for Christmas? Who the hell would want one?

That old gold digging song needed a serious update. Most women I know don't pine for all that weird stuff anymore.  They especially don't wish for a platinum mine. Some women might want to shove a bad, lousy ex into a platinum mine, but that's another story.

Miley Cyrus recently appeared on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. There she was in a cute green and red Christmas outfit, lounged out on a couch. With an earnest smile that is apparently required whenever you sing a holiday song, she belts out "Santa, Baby."

But this Miley version is seriously updated.  Sables, checks, cars and platinum mines are out.  Cyrus's "Santa, Baby" now has a refreshing feminist twist. Sample lyric:

"Santa, baby, I've got a baller car of my own, no loan. I bought it all by myself, Santa baby, with zero help from Elf on the Shelf."

The rest of the song is definitely worth a watch and listen. Especially when she gets to what Santa and other men can do with their chimneys:

Here ya go!

"All I Want For Christmas" In Every Style Imaginable

For December silliness, listen to this guy to
a bad Christmas song in 20 styles. Just because.  

It snowed hard last night around my home in St. Albans, Vermont,  which puts me a bit in the Christmas spirit, I guess.

So, I'll post this weird video of a guy doing Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" in 20 highly variable styles.

Take your pick! Maybe something like Billy Joel? Nat King Cole? The heavy metal stylings of Ronnie James Dio?  I especially liked the Depeche Mode version.

Here's the video for your snowed in silliness:

Flashback: Mama Cass Elliot "Dream A Little Dream" Delights

Every once in awhile I hear a blast from the past on the truck radio that puts me in a good mood for days.

Heard this song for the first time in years the other day
I'd forgotten how awesome the song, and Mama Cass Elliot were.  

That happened the other day when the local oldies station played the old Mama Cass Elliot classic "Dream A Little Dream Of Me," which I hadn't heard in maybe a decade or more.

When it came out in 1968, I was about five years old. It sounded like a lullaby to me, and since I was a high strung little jerk tyke it calmed me down.

The song still does. At least when I hear Mama Cass's version.

Apparently, "Dream A Little Dream" was written in 1931, and recorded that year by Ozzie Nelson of all people.

It's been recorded dozens upon dozens of times since. Among the people who released recordings of "Dream A Little Dream" are Ella Fitzgerald, Dinah Shore, Louis Armstrong, Nat King Cole, Doris Day, Dean Martin, Mills Brothers, Henry Mancini

Also, Anne Murray, Chicago, My Morning Jacket, Diana Krall, Erasure, Michael Buble, Robbie Williams and Eddie Vedder. A German heavy metal band called Blind Guardian also did a thrashing version of it.

But nothing, of course, can beat Mama Cass. Here's a video of her singing the song.  I hope it's a peaceful lullaby for you, too.

How To Humiliate Those Jerks Who Blame Disasters On Gay Marriage

A weird conservative politician in Britain named David Silverster attempted a tried and true response to the recent passage of gay marriage legislation in that country.

A storm slams Britain in December. A local
politician blames the bad weather on the
gays, as always, which has led to some
hilarious mocking. 

Silverster said devastating December storms and floods in Britain were God's wrath for gay marriage. Religious wackos have used that line in the United States for years.

In the United States, we just roll our eyes at such stupidity. But we should take a page from Britain, where comics and wiseguys invented their own weather forecasts to mock Silvester.

On person Tweeted:

Tonight for the first time
Just about half-past ten
For the first time in history
It's gonna start raining men. 

Of course, that's lyrics from the 1980s song "It's Raining Men" by the Weather Girls, which is particularly popular among many gay people. 

So many people have latched on to this song since Silvester made his dumb comments that the tune might once again reach Number 1 on the charts in Britain next week. 

Martha Wash, who was a vocalist for the Weather Girls, is not surprisingly, just fine with this.

"I'm flattered that after all these years, the song is still relevant (event if it is for storms and floods)" she wrote in an email  

Dean Burnett, writing in The Guardian, wrote a mock science article that indicated Sylvester had a point, because maybe gay marriage was disrupting local weather patterns and worsening global warming, which in turn was causing weather extremes:

"Logically, same sex marriage leads to an increase in the number of wedding. Weddings invariably involve a large number of people congregating in one place, which leads to a lot of body heat and warming, and this heat enters the atmosphere, increasing the air temperature and producing more warm fronts.

People also cry a lot at weddings. This likely to be even more pronounced at same sex weddings, with the added element of recently achieved equality making the events even more poignant. 

Tears are basically water, which quickly evaporate, thus adding to the water content of the atmosphere.

Weddings also typically involve a lot of alcohol, which makes people colder, meaning they're more likely to turn on heating systems when they arrive home, releasing more heat and CO2 into the atmosphere."

Finally, actor Nicholas Pegg did a deadpan mockup of a Serious Official Shipping Forecast that the BBC regularly broadcasts to a large audience in Britain.

In Pegg's high seas forecast, he warned of "Gays at Viking, Southeast Iceland and Bongo Bongo land" and alerted mariners to the risk of "homophobic outbursts, back peddling westerly and becoming untenable."

So, the next time some right wing wacko in the United States blames the gays for the inevitable spring tornado outbreak in the Midwest, we should be ready with our own forecasts.

I suggest using the song "Tornado" by Little Big Town, with the lyric, "I'm a tornado looking for a soul to take."  

 

Big Fun: Impressionist Sings "Total Eclipse of The Heart" As Cher, Adele, Streisand, Piaf And Many More!

Several web sites, including Gawker, today discovered and brought us the genius of Christina Bianco, who in the video in this post sings the 1980s staple "Total Eclipse Of The Heart."

Christina Bianco does some awesome impressions
in a rendition of "Total Eclipse Of The Heart."  

The over the top, over produced, over sung and overly dramatic but still oddly great song by Bonnie Tyler was a huge hit. And it has been parodied and spoofed ever since.

The song is made incredibly entertaining as Bianco sings the song in the voices of 19 famous divas.   

My favorites in her repertoire are Edith Piaf and Christina Aguilera, but all of them are awesome.

I bet you'll be like me, and laugh out loud at some of the divas doing "Total Eclipse Of The Heart."

Dropkick Murphys Christmas Song and Video a Chaotic Glory

You might have seen my rant a few days ago about how I hate most Christmas songs. I noted there are some exceptions, and I found a new, awesome one.

The Dropkick Murphys have just released something called "The Seaons's Upon Us." a raucous tribute of sorts to family togetherness during the holidays.

Hat tip to Ryan Mercer for alerting this to me, via Facebook.

You can't listen to the song in its full glory without simultaneously watching its crazy, chaotic, but oddly familiar to my life video to the song.

Now you can watch it too!

Here it is: