Jerk With Pinnochio Tattoo In Worst Possible Place Banned From Airline Flight

Tom Washington and part of his, um,
interesting Pinocchio tattoo.  

It seems like everybody has tattoos these days

Some of the tattoos are really awesome and creative. Others, not so much.

Then there's Tom Washington, 22, a British guy who was kicked off a Jet2.com flight and banned frm the airline for life for showing his, um, creative tattoo to other passengers aboard a recent flight.

That tattoo of Pinocchio , as the Grimsley Telegraph in England delicately puts it, is "located in his pubic area."

You'll never guess what the tattoo of Pinocchio's nose is on Washington.

Let's really not go there.

It didn't help that Washington is the life of the party, of sorts. Not a party I'd necessarily want to go to, but a party guy nonetheless.

He and about 20 of his friends boarded the flight dressed as female Jet2.com flight attendants.

Here's how Washington described the scene as the May 1 flight got ready to take off.

"I got up up but because my jacket was too tight, it exposed my chest which I had covered with a bra." 

How considerate!

He goes on about the next moment, when the flight crew typical gives the pre-flight safety speech:

"I then proceeded to 'help' the cabin staff with the talk using a sex toy. There were some old men on the plane as well and they were a laugh. The lads mentioned I had a tattoo of Pinocchio which I showed them and that was the point when the manager took my passport."

Yeah, the flight crew was probably afraid of what Washington would do next. God forbid if somebody on the plane started talking and not telling the truth.

I wonder (not obsessively!) if Washington has a sexual fetish with that tattoo. Can you hear him with some gal or guy, depending on his sexual orientation: "Oh, baby, lie to me, just don't tell me the truth, I'll lie to you, too. Oh yes, more lies, yes, yes, YES!!!"

I also hope I'm never anywhere near Washington when the Eurythmics song "Would I Lie To You" starts playing.

This guy should also stay away from politicans, too. Especially American ones.

And of course, we'd likely hear this sentence uttered by somebody meeting this guy: "Are you lying to me or are you just happy to see me?"

Couple Thinks Good Parenting Involves Bribing Kids With Pot and Cocaine

Police say these parents gave their teen
daughters drugs for doing their chores
and doing well in school. This all
happened in Florida, of course. 

Let's face it: Almost every parent has resorted to bribery to get their kids to do what they want.

"OK, Johnny, if you clean up your room you get a nice big ice cream cone."  

Or something like that.

According to The Smoking Gun, a Florida couple went in a little further with the bribery trick.

Why is it always Floridians who do strange things?

Anyway, The Smoking Gun says mom Joey Mudd gave their teenage daughters, ages 13 and 14 for jobs well done when they cleaned their rooms.

Bonus: The pot probably mellowed the girls out, too. No more shreiking about potential boyfriends. Then again, pot isn't exactly healthy for a kid, and pot is illegal for kids everywhere so I can see why the mom is in trouble with the law on this one.

Apparenty, dad Chad Mudd took this even beyond the level of mom. He gave the cocaine. It was a lovely dad/daughters outing: The trio snorting cocaine in dad's truck. Wonderful.

Needless to say, the parents were jailed, though mom at last report was out on bail. The kids are being cared for by a relative, who is such a hard ass that the relative is not providing the teen girls with drugs, booze or anything else like that.

Imagine that. Having to clean your room without a nice bong hit afterwards.

I'm also thinking the Mudds won't get a contract to write a book about novel parenting skills.

How Not To Manage A Parking Lot

Bet you're glad you weren't stuck behind this person. Talk about lack of spatial ability!

(Mute the sound, though. The music is obnoxious.)

Fear In Texas: The Great U.S. Invasion Of 2015!! EEEK!!!

A U.S. military map for the Jade Helm
military exercise in the American Southwest
this summer. Some paranoid Texans
think the government is going to
put them in concentration camps,
but probably not.  

Texans are bracing for an invasion of that great state by the U.S. military.

Um, yes, Texas is already part of the United States, like it or not, but some Tea Party and conspiratorial types are saying the military will invade anyway.

This all started from a long planned military exercise called Jade Helm 15.

Parts of the southwestern United States, including Arizona, New Mexico and Texas, will be stand-ins for rugged Middle Eastern terrain.

(As Gawker notes, they're using the Southwest for this exercise because you can't really train for a war against Iran inside Iran. They might object.)

The military exercise divides different areas of the Southwest into friendly and hostile areas, for the purposes of training. Texas is marked as "hostile"

That means, according to Tea Party kooks, that the military is going to take away everybody's guns, lock up the Christians, and, I don't know, make everybody get gay married or something.

A website called AllNewsPipeline has the scoop. It's on the Internet, so it has to be true. Here's what AllNewsPipeline tells us what's really going on:

"Numerous 'FEMA Domes' are being rushed to completion across the state of Texas in locations suchas Lumberton, Brownsville, Pancho Maples and Kingsville are raising alarms with many who view these structures as 'FEMA death domes' used to house insurgents following the red and blue list round up of gun owners, Christians and patriotic supporters of American and the U.S. Constitution."

The conspiracy wackadoodles say
Walmart is closing Texas stores to help
the government set up concentration camps.
Nope the stores are closing because they're
underperforming or need renovations.  

Adding fuel to the fire was the closure of six Walmarts in western Texas. And what do failed Walmarts have to do with the Great Invasion of 2015?

Walmart is saying the stores closed because nobody shopped there, or the stores need to be renovated, which sounds plausible.  But no! They're going to be detention camps for all them god fearin' Christuns being oppressed by that evil Muslim Jihadist Obama.

Or something like that.

All this Tea Party right wing conspiracy craziness would be good for just a chuckle, and then we would move on except for one thing:

People who should know better, who are in charge, are buying into this craziness. Or at least pandering to it.

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott said he has told the Commander of the Texas State Guard to monitor the millitary training exercise, so that the U.S. government doesn't get any ideas and kill all the Texas Christians and take their guns. Or something.

Rest assured, says Gov. Abbott, that the Texas State Guard will ensure that Texans'  "safety, constitutional rights, private property rights and civil liberties will not be infringed" by this evil U.S. invasion U.S. military exercise in the state.

The ever reliable Texas U.S. Rep. Louie Gohmert also chimed in. He's always fun to listen to with his extreme rhetoric, and he doesn't disappoint here:

"This military practice has some concerned that the U.S. Army is preparing for modern-day martial law. Certainly, I can understand these concerns.

When leaders within the current administration believe that major threats to the country include those who support the Constitution, are military veterans or even 'cling to guns or religion,' patriotic Americans have reasons to be concerned."

 Of course U.S soldiers, the ones participating in the military exercise are patriotic American citizens. Isn't it kind of insulting to think these fine soldiers would set up concentration camps or something to detain and kill other Constitution loving Americans?

Yep, but oh well.

It's no secret a lot of Texans, with all those conservatives, don't like President Obama, which is totally fair enough. NPR quoted former Texas Lt. Gov David Dewhurst as saying, "Unfortunately, some Texans have projected their legitimate concerns about the competence and trustworthiness of President Barack Obama on these noble warriors. This must stop."

Don't count on it stopping, Mr. Dewhurst.

That's because there's money to be made. All these conspiracy organizations need a source of income. If the U.S. "invasion" of Texas doesn't happen, then these whackadoodle groups can say they "prevented" it, and if need be, do a money beg to take advantage of it.

And the Texas governor's pandering, and Gohmert's babble around all this is just being pro business, right? Keep that conspiracy industry going. Plus, throwing red meat to this constituency won't hurt in future elections.

Here's Why People Have Trouble Figuring Out The English Language

This guy struggles with spelling and grammar,
but hey, English is a difficult language.  

Here's an experiment for you-- hat tip from BoingBoing and Into the Shadows:

Put the word "only" between any two words in this sentence: "She told him that she loved him."

No matter where you put the word "only," the meaning of the sentence totally changes. And you wonder why people trying to learn English mangle their meaning so badly when they attempt to speak it?

This kind of situation recalls my other rants about English. Why can we have sunny days but not moony nights? Why aren't butterflies called flutter by? After all, that's what they do.

We can become overwhelmed or underwhelmed, but nobody is ever just whelmed.

It can get warmer and colder, but not damper or humider. We have the fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh day of the month, for example, but not the twoth or threeth. Why?

I liked my father's attitude. When he ran a tavern years ago, he put up an intentionally incorrect sign that warned patrons about the dress code: "No bear feat" said the sign.

All this is why I don't understand rabid members of the grammar police. Yes, you should make an effort to use the English language and to write properly to be understood, but accidentally using "their" instead of "they're" in a hastily written email is not cause for the death penalty.

Oh, sure, I ridicule some of the bigger offenders, too, but I ignore small "word crimes."  You still have to laugh at angry protestors who called President Obama a "Half Breed Muslin" or another placard that read "Remember: Descent is the highest form of patriotic."  (sic)

Who knew the President was a fabric and you have to go down hill to be patriotic, not to mention grammatically incorrect?

I also liked the sign, "Repeel Congress." Yeah, it would be fun to peel that group.

Here's my answer to the word police. I'm going to lighten the mood by giving you Weird Al Yankovic's "Blurred Lines" parody, "Word Crimes"

Enjoy!

Kirstie Alley Closes Down George Washington Bridge? No, But......

Did Kirstie Alley shut down the George Washington
Bridge? Um, No, but a few readers of
the New York Times thought so.

Is Kirstie Alley a suspect in the New Jersey bridge scandal?

No, but bleary eyed, inattentive people on Saturday thought so. Or just people who can't spell.

The trouble started when the New York Times ran this headline: "Christie Alley Expected to Plead Guilty in George Washington Lane Closing Case."

The headline was a reference to accusations that New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie and/or his minions ordered the bridge closed one day in 2013 to screw over the mayor of Fort Lee, N.J. That mayor wouldn't endorse Christie's re-election bid, so the theory is Christie or somebody in his administration ordered lanes closed on the bridge to totally gum up traffic in Fort Lee.

That would teach the Fort Lee mayor about following orders!

Anyway, the first couple of words in Saturday's New York Times headline either looks like "Kirstie Alley" or reminded people of the actress and comedian. 

My goodness! Kirstie Alley has the power to close a major metropolitan bridge?

Kirstie Alley, and not the Christie Ally, took to Twitter to 'fess up. 

"I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY! You see, I bought a new ASTON Martin and wanted the whole freeway to myself to test drive," Kirstie tweeted.

She later tweeted that she was reveling in her power, the power to close down the bridge. But later, she tweeted, "I feel the fire of the witch hunt..ouch ouch ouch"

I don't know what Kirstie Alley, or the Christie Ally will do next. But beware, either one might close down a major highway bridge near you, so plan ahead!

Or you could just learn to read carefully.

Lazy Saturday: Cuteness Overdose With Baby And Puppy

Just because I'm lazy on this Saturday morning, I'm not putting much effort into this blog. Later, maybe.

Instead, I present you with more sleepiness. A puppy tries to guard a sleeping baby, but is a little overpowered by the baby's restfulness.

Here's your overdose of schmaltzy cuteness for the day: