Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Rapture Plans For Saturday

As many of you might have heard, the end of the world begins this Saturday.

According to some preacher or scholar or something named Harold Camping, the Rapture hits over the weekend. True Christians get sent express mail or something to heaven, while the rest of us suffer through the next six months of Armeggedon, until the world ends with a whimper. But we'll find a way to party until it's over anyway.

If the rapture happens, God is a genious at timing it for maximum effect.  Camping says God will start the festivities time zone by time zone. So it will start at 6 p.m. Saturday for everyone.
Harold  Camping, shown here, tiredly explains
that the Rapture starts Saturday

Which is very thoughtful. That will give me time to go to Home Depot Saturday morning to get bracing for the house. I'll need the bracing because the start of the fun will be announced by a massive earthquake, Camping says.

I'll also have time to hit Price Chopper for some crackers, cheese and wine to sustain myself through the event. Really, I should invite people over and have a party. It's Saturday, so why not?

I'm not sure what the dress code is for the Rapture. Black tie, business casual or clothing optional?  I suppose I should get a flash light to see which of my neighbors get boosted out to space..

That way I can take part in the looting. A Facebook page has started to guide people toward looting the property of Christians who are raptured. Since the world would end pretty soon anyway, we can just take their good stuff and enjoy it before starting our stint in eternity in hell.
 Will this be a common scene during
the alleged Rapture, scheduled by one person for Saturday.

I mean, what are those that have been raptured going to do, call the cops?  Or maybe God will send down lightning strikes.

But in any event, why would those raptured even care if we steal their stuff. I imagine heaven is pretty well stocked up with all the nice creature comforts everybody needs.

I'm having a hard time figuring out which music to play for the rapture. The obvious choice, at first glance, would be "Rapture," by Blondie, but I don't know if a song about a space alien eating cars, bars and guitars quite fits.

I thought of another tune I remember that sort of fits, called "Tomorrow, Wendy," by Concrete Blonde. It's dark and intriguing and spooky and dramatic and has themes sort of related to what Camping is talking about.

Sample lyrics to "Tomorrow, Wendy"

"I told the priest
Don't count on any second coming.
God got his ass kicked
The last time he came down here slumming.
He had the balls to come
The gall to die and then forgive us
No, I don't wonder why
I wonder what he thought it would get us."

On second thought, those lyrics are incredibly harsh, aren't they?  Probably pretty mean and insulting to Christians, too.  And it's not exactly a friendly send-off to those Rapturing out to outer space or whatever. So I guess we have to give up on Concrete Blonde, I'm afraid.

Besides, most Christians I'm familiar with are taking Camping's Rapture rantings with an enormous grain of salt. These rational Christians seem to just want to continue living and being good people, which frankly is a refreshing attitude.

So, enjoy your Saturday. And I wouldn't cancel the dinner reservations if I were you. Somehow I think Camping's Rapture schedule indicates the man just has too much time on his hands.

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