Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Christmas Gifts Only The Weirdest Could Love

I'm sure all of your friends would just LOVE a nose
warmer that looks like a spider! 
The Huffington Post recently put up an article that is sure to bring joy, or pain to every holiday shopper out there.

It's a comprehensive list of some of the more, um, novel Christmas gifts you can share this year.

I'll let you read the whole story, but I will cherry pick some of my favorites from this list.

One of these special Christmas gifts is a Trump bottle opener, which has the sound of Trump ranting. One of the messages spouts off about fake news when you use it. Frankly, I hope my nice cold bottle of beer is not fake news when I open it, so I'll pass on this one.

Ugly Christmas sweaters are all the rage in recent years, and I think I found the worst yet. It depicts Santa, sitting on a chimney, pants down, taking a dump down the chimney into somebody's fireplace. I think that qualifies as worse than getting a lump of coal in your stocking.

Here's the sales pitch from the company that sells this thing. "Ugly Christmas sweater has a whole new meaning when you rock up wearing something that literally takes a dump all over the Christmas season. He delivers to every boy and girl in one night, folks - when you gotta go, you gotta go."

I don't think this sweater is turning into a hit. At last check it was on sale - meaning they're trying to unload this, um, mess. The price keeps going down. It started at $84.95, went down to $78.95 and at last check was a low, low $59.95.

Still too pricy for me. Even so, you might want to continue on with this shitty Christmas idea. You can combine the above gift with the book "We Wish You A Poopy Christmas."

Honestly, the sales pitch for this book is even worse than the one for the poopy Christmas sweater:

The worst possible ugly
Christmas sweater.
"Curl up by the fire with some steaming hot chocolate and listen to Fudgy the Poopman offer his unique take on your favorite Christmas tales. You're probably familiar with Rudolph and his red nose, but in this book, you hear how Christmas was saved by Rupert, whose case of IBS has left him with shining red spot on the opposite end of the reindeer body."

I'm not sure why our nation's recent infantile obsession with poop is so rampant, but this Christmas stuff proves it's jumped the shark and must end now.

Moving on, the Christmas season is often chilly, especially for us northerners. We wear coats, hats, mittens, and even ear muffs. But what if your nose gets cold?  Well, of course there's a Christmas gift solution!

Keep your schnoz warm with a Spider Nose Warmer. I just love how the marketers of this thing in their sales pitch have absolutely no command of the English language. I'll quote it verbatim, with no editorial corrections:

"Nose warmer pom pom Christmast gadget. Funny nose gift nose heath Vegan friendly, Nose cozy winter heater. Your noise never been worn, it's made just for you....A unique practical way to keep your nose warm. Sure to be a hit with all. Fun and useful, great for everyone. Loops on each side of the Nose Warmer hook behind the ears, stretchy easy and comfortable to wear. And feets all."

Feets all? I thought it was a nose warmer. No thanks, I'll pass. They say a cold nose is a sign your dog is healthy. I'll just assume that if my nose is cold, I'm healthy.

I haven't finished my holiday shopping yet. I'm a last-minute kinda guy. But rest assured, family and friends! You're not getting any of the items listed above. If that disappoints you, buy 'em yourself!

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