Sunday, November 8, 2015

Toledo, Ohio Mysteriously Intact After A Mayoral Defeat, But Dumbledore Will Bring Us Wrath Of God

Opal Covey says God is about to destroy Toledo,
Ohio because she lost the mayoral election there.  
In this Sunday morning's news, I'm pleased to report that the fair city of Toledo, Ohio remains standing and functioning just fine despite what seemed would be an inevitable destruction by an angry God.

The bad news is God is about to smite the entire United States because Dumbledore from "Harry Potter" is gay.

We learned these two bits of news from incredibly reliable sources. Toledo's imminent destruction is foretold by one Opal Covey, a defeated mayoral candidate in Toledo.

Covey came in dead last among five candidates for mayor of Toledo this past Tuesday. She said she really won, but all the votes were stolen from her through massive fraud.

She knows this, she says, because she talks directly to God and he told her. God is apparently so pissed that he's going to destroy Toledo. (God and Covey have been having long conversations about this while both are speaking in tongues, apparently.) And Covey is so miffed that she will stand by and just let him do this.

It's now five days after Toledo's mayoral election. and the Ohio city does seem to be doing just fine so far. I checked the web page for the city's newspaper, The Toledo Blade, Sunday morning and the main headline on the homepage was "Popularity of App-based Rid Sharing Services Surges."

Unless the ride sharing is to get out of town before God's wrath,  I don't see signs of a Toledo apocalypse in the local media.
Pastor Kevin Swanson tells us God will smite
America because this guy, Dumbledore, is gay. 

But we shouldn't relax. As I noted Dumbledore is gay!

And God is going to wipe the United States off the face of the Earth because of it. Yes, yes, I know Dumbledore is a fictional character created by a British author, but you can't be too careful about trying not to annoy God!

We learned about God and Dumbledore just NOT getting along from Kevin Swanson, a decidedly anti-gay pastor who put on something called the National Religious Liberties Conference over the past few days.

We should trust Swanson, because intelligensia such as Presidential candidates Ted Cruz, Mike Huckabee and Bobby Jindal attended the conference in which Dumbledore was brought up.

OK, not everyone agrees Cruz, Huckabee and Jindal are all that smart, but you get the picture. Side note: I wonder if these three candidates agree with Swanson about Dumbledore. Please, ask, national media!

Even if we escape the wrath of God over Dumbledore there are other major risks, Swanson tells us. The animated films "How To Train Your Dragon" and the super popular Disney production "Frozen" are satanic and will also earn us the wrath of God.

Swanson is best known as calling for the execution of all gay people (including me!) However, he tells us that we could still be saved if we repent.

Kevin Swanson pictured here, says he'd cover himself
in cow manure if he learned his son is gay.
I SO hope is son is gay.  
I'm not sure how to do that, though. I'm thoroughly sick and tired of the song "Let It Go" from "Frozen," is that enough repenting?

Although I like the Harry Potter series and Dumbledore, I'm not a rabid fan. Is that good enough? I'll have to ask Swanson about this.

Swanson has one idea. He did say that if his son turned out to be gay and married another guy, he'd cover himself in cow manure. He really did say this.

I'm not sure if that's the right way to go with repentence.

 I'm not a big fan of cow manure. Eventually, it decomposes and would be a nice compost for my garden, but I'm not ready to use it as an ingredient for repentence.

So I'll just take my chances and skip the repentence.  Just to be safe, though, I'll stay out of Toledo for the next few days.

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