I say that because, according to the St. Petersburg Tribune, somebody stole 18 tons of Crisco.
According to the article, somebody stole a tractor trailer containing 36,000 pounds of the stuff. The truck had been parked in St. Petersburg. Where it is now is a mystery.
I'm here to help, though!
I did a little digging around and St. Petersburg Police are free to use the theories I have outlined below to nab their Crisco culprit.
I saw one web site where they listed a whole bunch of alternative uses for Crisco, so maybe the people who stole the stuff saw the same info on line.
One suggestion is use Crisco on candle molds. My conspiracy theory is Yankee Candle stole the truck full of Crisco to help with production of its Christmas product line.
You can also use Crisco to remove lipstick stains from clothes. Maybe a posse of men who were cheating on their wives stole the truck to get the lipstick off their shirt collars, you know, the ones left there by their mistresses.
Apparently, you can also use Crisco to make face paint makeup. Just use two tablespoons of corn starch, one tablespoon of Crisco and add food coloring. Maybe a weird gang of creepy clowns that have been stalking the streets of Bakersfield, California stole the Crisco for their makeup.
Worth a call to Bakersfield Police, maybe?
Crisco is also handy if you want to remove gum that's stuck in your hair. Here's a thought: Perhaps some gum chewing heavy metal bands have had some nasty mishaps lately and needed a little Crisco help?
One more use for Crisco is to smear it on your snow shovel, so the snow slides right off instead of sticking to it. Amid fears of another rough winter, maybe some hardware stores are pre-smearing snow shovels with Crisco as an added enticement for people to buy them.
Anyway, those are my leading theories as to what happened. St. Petersburg Police investigators are free to contact me if they have questions.
I'm just trying to take a bite out of crime, dontcha see?