Saturday, December 3, 2011

Pepper Spray the Hot Christmas Item

This year the hot, really, really hot Christmas season must-have is pepper spray.

It's everywhere. My eyes are watering as I type this. Between the Occupy protest movement pepper spray attacks by police, the woman in the Walmart pepper spraying fellow shoppers to get her hands on a sale item XBox, this is the Christmas of Pepper Spray.

And, like any successful marketing campaigns, pepper spray now has a host of associated heroes, memes and sub-products. You can finish your entire Christmas list with the stuff, or at least get those pesky relatives and friends out of your hair.
Little Cindy Lou Who, who is no more than two, gets
a holiday greeting from the evil Pepper Spray cop

Lt. John Pike, the cop at UC Davis that made himself famous by striking a casual pose and heavily pepper spraying peaceful demonstrators, is sort of the Ken doll to Pepper Spray Barbie.

As Salon so poetic notes, if you want to vanquish the enemy, render him absurd.  Pike has become such a hit, an Internet meme, that there's a Tumblr site devoted to pictures of Pike spraying iconic images. Action Figure John Pike!  The real John Pike must be so proud.

The Tumblr site had Pike inside iconic artwork and photographs, spraying everything from the Mona Lisa, to the Beatles, to Snoopy to Beyonce in the "Single Ladies" video.

My favorite, because I'm such a meanie, is Pike in a scene from Dr. Suess's "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas," spraying the hell out of Little Cindy Lou Who, who's only two.

On Amazon, wags found thge page for Defense Technology 56895 MK-9 Strean 1.3% Red Band/1.3 %Blue Band Pepper Spray and had a hilarious field day with product reviews. Go to that Web page, it's a great, fun time waster reading the 340 or so mostly mocking product reviews from both satisfied and dissatisfied customers.

Here's an example:
                           With a simple, nonchalant spraying action, you can be sure to cause great distress among unruly protesters, ensuring that their freedoms of speech, assembly, and protest are eliminated in favor of screaming in agony and writhing on the ground. ...Remember, this product does entail some risk of blowback, however. Careless use could lead to international notoriety, universal condemnation, lawsuits, loss of your job, and becoming an internet meme

And another:

Whenever I need to breezily inflict discipline on unruly citizens, I know I can trust Defense Technology 56895 MK-9 Stream, 1.3% Red Band/1.3% Blue Band Pepper Spray to get the job done!  ...When I feel threatened by students, no matter how unarmed, peaceful and seated they may be, I know that Defense Technology 56895 MK-9 Stream, 1.3% Red Band/1.3% Blue Band Pepper Spray has got my back as I casually spray away at point blank range. It really is the Cadillac of citizen repression technology. Buy a whole case!

Of course, this pepper spray can come in handy just terrifically if you're out shopping, as one California bargain hunter knows. The woman who pepper sprayed fellow shoppers at a Walmart on Black Friday is now another iconic figure in American history.

I just worry this pepper spray woman has started an arms race. Next year, will someone deploy an Uzi to mow down crowds to get his hands on the latest flat screen TV?  So he can watch himself on the news being sentenced to life in sentence without parole, I guess.

Hey, shopping is a contact sport, nowadays, apparently.

I think the pepper spraying Xbox shopper from Walmart should marry the pepper spraying cop. Then they can have kids and start a race of pepper spray resistant kids.

That would be a great comfort to Santa.

No comments:

Post a Comment