Saturday, June 14, 2014

"Sky Mall" In Flight Catalog Is A Wonder To Behold

If you forget to bring something to occupy your time on a flight, airlines come to the rescue with these AWESOME catalogs in which you can buy, buy, buy!! Everything you never thought you needed but really do.
This guy looks like a car crash victim after the
air bag goes off, but it's a pillow for sleeping
on a plane! From Sky Mall! Get yours today!!!  

So it was on a recent journey from Burlington, Vt. to Sioux Falls, South Dakota, (with a stopover in Chicago)

The flight had  Sky Mall, and I never knew there were so many products I just had to have.

Take computer mouses. Mine's a standard grey, inexpensive, unremarkable little thing. Why shouldn't I go fancy. Like one that looks like a little yellow Lamborghini. Why be boring? Drive your web surfing with the best! A Lamborghini!! .

If I'd gotten tired on my flight, SkyRest could have come to the rescue. It's this inflatable thing you put on the tray at your airline seat and you're supposed to sleep against it. It kind of looks like an airbag that has gone off in a car during a crash.

Somehow, thinking of crashes on an airline flight isn't restful, so I'll skip the SkyRest, thank you very much.

In the pet section, we have something for people who have a dog and no yard. It's a patch of fake grass you put maybe out on your condo balcony. It's where Fido can do his business. It even has a little fake red fire hydrant to get your pooch in the mood to pee. How clever!

But wait, there's more!  I quote the brochure: "The Premium Porch Potty offers an automated rinse and drain system that utilizes embedded sprinklers and an optional water timer to assure the cleanest environment possible."

Yeah, and I'm sure the people who have balconies on the floors below you just love the daily shower of dog crap and pee as you happily and easily wash the Porch Potty.

Now that Fido has done his business, it's time for fun in the sun! Make your pool party special by getting a Singing Gondolier. As the Sky Mall states: "Turns your pool into an enchanging Venetian canal!"

Or at least the noisiest chlorine puddle in the neighborhood.

The contraption is  a little motorized boat that meanders around your pool. On the boat is a little guy with a white hat and striped shirt, holding a paddle, who "serenades you with 3 traditional Italian songs."  The guy's name, I'm not making this up, is Luciano Poolvarotti.

If Venice is this tacky, I will never go there. Let it flood

If Luciano Poolvarotti doesn't make your property fancy and artistic enough, theres some great statues in Sky Mall for all your landscaping needs. Turn your yard into a horror show unique attraction with "The Zombie of Monclaire Moors"  which essentially looks like a terrified boy being sucked into the hell beneath your crabgrass infested lawn.

If that doesn't work, there's the Bigfoot the Garden Yeti statue, which resembles a hungover orangutan. Or try the "Peeing Boy of Brussels" which is basically a statue of a smug looking boy who is definitely peeing and seemingly challenging you to do something about it, you wimp.

If you want something a little friendlier, ther's the "Delightful Dancing Ducks" which is an image of three ducks who look like three very drunk waterfowl trying to imitate the Radio City Music Hall Rockettes.

All this and more is available in Sky Mall! Maybe we should just take random flights around the country and shop to our heart's content.

Or maybe not.

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