Wednesday, July 24, 2013

"Florida Man" Is Probably My Favorite Twitter Friend

My favorite person I'm following on Twitter these days is Florida Man.

Florida Man is a superhero, the guy who is always in the news doing something completely bizarre in the Sunshine State.
Here's a picture of Florida Man
from his Twitter feed. Nice face

For the uninitiated, Florida seems to be the world's epicenter of bizarre news. We know it as the land of hanging chads, face eaters, manatee-riding women and hapless alligator wrestlers, among other oddities.

Florida Man is really an amalgamation of all the men in Florida who ended up on news web sites, newly famous for being spectacularly clueless.

I'm not sure exactly why Florida is the Weird News Capitol Of The World. It's pretty populated, so the more people you have the more wackos you'll find. But that doesn't explain everything...

The Florida Man Twitter account gathers up many of the headlines of the guy's exploits. You can detect some constant characteristics of the guy if you scroll through Florida Man's Tweets.

All of these, and every post on Florida Man's Twitter feed are stuff that really happened and were really in the news.  

Florida Man is always looking for something new and interesting to do. Some examples:

     "Florida Man Arrested For Setting Clothes On Fire at TJ Maxx."

     "Florida Man Wakes Up in Hotel Room With No Memory and Can Only Speak Swedish"

We all know it's hot and humid in Florida. Which means Florida Man HATES wearing clothes. I offer these examples:

       "Florida Man Sips Beer And Wanders Naked Through Neighborhood. Says He Didn't Know He Had No Clothes On."

       "Police Find Florida Man Naked, Revving Motorbike In Front Yard."

      "Florida Man Strips Naked at 7-Eleven, Tells Cops "I Am A Monkey."

      "Florida Man's Naked Bomb Threat Shuts Down Caloosahatchee Bridge."

(Editor's note: Florida Man could not have picked a better name for a bridge to threaten)

Florida Man can always be relied upon to find novel ways of finding transportation. Who needs a car?

         "Florida Man Rode Stolen 9-Foot Purple Chicken Statue Hitched to Pickup Truck."

         "Florida Man Posts Video Of Himself Riding White Shark"

Sometimes Florida Man combines crime and transportation:

        "Florida Man Charged With DUI After Running Over Woman With Golf Cart."

          "Florida Man Tries to Tow Stolen Lawnmower Away On Back of Bicycle."

      "Florida Man Slashes Love Rival's Electric Wheelchair, Flees on Pink Bicycle."

Florida Man has a temper, and has been known to get into fights:

        "Florida Man Arrested After Fight Over How To Make Kool-Aid."

         "Florida Man Tries to Kill Cousin For Not Inviting Him To 2-Year-Old's Birthday Party."

         "Florida Man Chased Neighbor With Machete For Stealing His Favorite Chicken"

           "Florida Man Stabs Brother Over Missing Mac and Cheese."
Sometimes he combines religion with violence. I mean, who doesn't?

            "Florida Man Uses Bible To Set SUV On Fire."

Finally, Florida Man is a bit of a sexual pervert. OK, a big time sexual pervert:
        "Loophole Means Florida Man Won't Be Charged For Sexual Acts With 3-Legged Dog."

         "Florida Man Says It's His Constitutional Right To Rape A Donkey"

No comments:

Post a Comment