Greetings: I am proud to announce by candidacy for President of the United States.
As a dog (almost full-blooded cocker spaniel!) who watched the Iowa caucuses this week, I was disappointed by the caliber of those seeking the highest office in the land. Really, my fellow presidential candidates should do less barking and more wagging.
|Presidential Candidate Jackson Ebenezer Modereger-Sutkoski|
Some may wonder how a nearly eight month old black cocker spaniel who lives in St. Albans, Vermont could be president. The truth of the matter is there's no better person to be the leader of this great nation, as long as you believe that dogs are people, too.
I would bring an optimistic, happy, WOOF! attitude to Washington, something sorely lacking in the political landscape today.
I'm running as an Independent, because believe me, nobody tells me what to do.
I'm not the type that goes negative. I will not accuse my opponents of being socialist, radical, intolerant, stupid, corrupt, un-American or a flip-flopper.
However, if you want to throw me an old pair of flip flops to chew on to keep me occupied, go right ahead.
I am inclusive. After all, I'm a furry black dog, as diverse as you can get. As long as you feed me, throw sticks, and let me outside to poop every now and then, I don't care if you're white, black, straight, gay, religious, atheist, or whatever.
If elected, I promise doggie treats and belly rubs for all Americans.
I have hired the two men who live with me, Jeff Modereger and Matt Sutkoski as my campaign co-chairmen.
Modereger, my main man, will serves as chief of staff. Since he's the guy who so reliably gives me food, and most often takes me for car rides - one of my greatest joys- he will be the best person to guide my path to the White House.
One of my few shortcomings is I get sidetracked by the interesting scents I encounter. Modereger always snaps me back to reality by saying, "Jackson, want a cookie?" and I get back on track.
Sutkoski, with his background in journalism, will be my official spokesman and media handler. He will continue his existing role as provider of sticks for me to run around with in the yard and wrestling matches with me to blow off steam. He will also continue to give me occasional belly rubs. At least he'd better!
Speaking of belly rubs, I propose we dispense with further tedious debates. I don't understand a word of it anyway, blah, blah, blah, blah. They just make me want to chew on my favorite toy, which Modereger has named "John Behner" for some reason.
From now on, when the urge comes upon us to debate, we just give each other belly rubs.
I also propose we get rid of all PACS, you know, those Political Action Committees that raise funds from semi-secret sources. They're too dark and murky for me. So I say we replace PACS with Packs. By that I mean we gather in packs, like dogs, to explore the world with our hyper sensitive noses. Hell, we'd learn a lot more about how to run the country that way, rather than relying on cable TV blowhards and creepy lobbyists anyway.
I look forward to exploring this great country of ours during this campaign. May my fellow Americans avoid skunks, inattentive drivers on roads and porcupines. God bless!