Beating Off At 90 MPH. Eels In Bad Places: Maybe Sex Should Be Regulated

The other day, I complained about Virginia Attorney General Kenneth Cuccinelli's  efforts to regulate how people have sex. He wants it to be really vanilla.

I thought the government shouldn't regulate what we do for sex, as long as it's between consenting adults.

This guy is certainly nimble, if charged against him
are to be believed. Did Blakely drive
down the road at 90 mph while, um, otherwise engaged?  

Given news in the past couple of days, maybe I should rethink that position.

I say that because the Internet's been all abuzz over one William Blakely of Tennessee, accused of masterbating for passing motorists while traveling 90 mph down an Interstate highway. 

Yes, this isn't exactly behind closed doors, so it's illegal anyway, but you have to give the guy credit for effort.

I'm certainly not going to try, but how do you control a car doing 90 mph, while simultaneously letting all the other passing motorists see your junk and exactly what you're doing to it? Seems impossible to me. But if police are to be believed, Blakely is quite an accomplished guy.

Maybe Blakely is an expert contortionist, waiting for his big break, and he was just practicing.

Some reports suggest Blakely has been doing this kind of stunt for awhile, but hadn't been caught until now because nobody came forward. I guess Blakely has had a lot of practice.

I can see how people wouldn't want to call 911. The story is so unbelievable they'd be charged with making a false report to police. Can you imagine the 911 call:

Dispatcher: "911, may I help you?"

Motorist: "Yes, I'm on Interstate 26, near mile marker 55. There's a guy doing 90 mph and he's getting his rocks off and showing himself off to everybody else.

Dispatcher: "Have you been drinking?"

Meanwhile, we have the case out of China, in which a man thought it would be fun to stick a live eel up his butt, you know, for sexual pleasure. Yes, I know that doesn't sound terribly fun, but I guess we all have different ideas of what fun is.

This did not end up well, at all, as you can imagine. 

Understandably, the eel wanted to get the hell out of there, so chomped through the guy's colon in an effort to escape. Our eel man was in serious condition in a hospital at last report.

So maybe Cuccinelli was right. Maybe our sexual habits ought to be regulated by the government, just to keep us safe.

However, it looks like that won't happen. A federal court shot down Cuccinelli's plea to have an earlier court ruling changed. That earlier ruling also put the kabosh on his idea.