For those of you who haven't been following this extremely important news story, I'll get you up to speed. Rebecca Martinson, of the Delta Gamma sorority at the University of Maryland was apparently not impressed with the sorority sisters because they were not nice enough, or slutty enough or whatever to please the fine members of the Sigma Nu fraternity.
|Rebecca Martinson of Delta Gamma sorority at|
the University of Maryland certainly has a way with words
She let's em have it big time, since this is the Most Important Thing in the world. As you read, watch out, the language is not very nice:.. Here's just the opening paragraph or two to give you a taste:
For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee Julia, I've been having so much fun with my sisters this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself.
Well, Martinson certainly gets her point across, doesn't she? I'm sure Martinson, is always the life of the party. Can you imagine the moment she lands the hottest guy at Sigma Nu, but then notices some little imperfection on him. A mole on his back, the not perfectly stylish underwear, the not-up-to-snuff sexual technique.
You'd hear her swearing and yelling at the poor Sigma Nu guy all the way to Ulan Bator, Mongolia.
You have to admit the kinds of histrionics Martinson has developed is absolutely masterful. Want a little more of Martinson's fine analysis of the state of her sorority. Oh., why not?
Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people fucking retarded? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events.
There is so, so much more in Martinson's email. It's quite lengthy. But worth the read. And now, there are a lot of dramatic readings of the email on line to make it all that much better.
Funny or Die has got a great one from Michael Shannon. Remember, what he's saying is the exact text of Martinson's email, verbatim. He just adds some dramatic oomph to it. The video is even more hilarious than just reading the email.