A lawyer for a fraternity brother held a press conference recently to address a "butt chugging" scandal at the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity at the University of Tennessee.
|The lawyer and the frat bros. look grim at this press|
conference, but the hilarious topic here was something
called "butt chugging"
The world had never heard of "butt chugging" until recently, but now almost everybody, to their dismay, seems to know what it is.
For the uninitiated, butt chugging is the pasttime of taking a funnel, connecting it to a tube, inserting said tube up one's butt, and pouring beer or some other alcohol in.
Apparently, in some circles, this is a fun, entertaining way to get drunk fast. Why go the boring route through just drinking a beverage of your choice. When you can stick it up your ass, literally.
Aren't you glad you now know what butt chugging is? Thought so.
The University of Tennessee butt chugging would probably have never come to light, so to speak, had not one Alexander Price "Xander Broughton, 20, showed up at a hospital emergency room with a red swollen anus and so drunk he was this close to being dead, according to Commercial Appeal of Memphis, Tenn.
The University of Tennessee shut down the fraternity. I guess this fine institution didn't want to be recognized as the Butt Chugging Capital of the World.
Can't blame them.
Members of the fraternity, and their lawyer, hotly contest the university's and the media's account of what happened. They accused everybody of sensationalizing this. Yes, it is sensationalized. How could it not be?
This whole episode led to one of the unintentionally funny news conferences I have ever seen. How, oh how, did the gathered reporters not burst out laughing. There is no way I could have made it through this.
There are so many precious things to note from this video.
Notice how the fraternity members are standing around, grim faced, as if at a funeral. And the lawyer is taking things so seriously. This isn't Brown vs. Board of Education, folks.
Some of the quotes from this press conference are too wonderful not to highlight:
The lawyer, David McGehee said he visited our Xander after the incident: "I asked him if he was butt chugging. He asked what in the world is that?"
The attorney goes on to say: "That is the first time we ever heard of the two words, butt chugging. The words have now become two famous words around the United States and the world."
When McGehee was in law school, I bet he never thought he would utter those words. Butt chugging. Maybe he dreamed that sometime in the future, he would he argue a momentous case before the U.S. Supreme Court? No. He would end up discussing butt chugging with a group of reporters he hates.
Xander speaks to the reporters: "I nor any members of my fraternity have never been involved in butt chugging or the use of alcohol enemas."
Reporter: "Can you clarify what happened?"
Xander: "It's a long story."
Oh, I bet it's a very long story.
It was also made clear by McGehee that Xander is not, repeat NOT, gay. Because I guess only gay people butt chug. Or something.
The press conference continues.
A reporter, really trying to get to the bottom, so to speak, of this important news story, asks McGehee, "Can you give us details of what happened that night?"
Lawyer: "They had a Tour de Franzia."
Another new term for us. Whoopee!! A Tour de Franzia Apparently, this somehow involves a box of cheap wine. Or several boxes. I can't imagine chasing all over town for the opportunity to drink Franzia, of all things, but to each his own.
Xander and the frat are suing. They've been slandered, falsely accused, or maybe just embarrassed by this weird attention. Which means all kinds of awkward affidavits and documents will come out. Is this worth it?
Commercial Appeal columnist Sam Venable gives us a few helpful examples of some of these documents and statements.
One affidavit from the hospital states: "His rectum was greatly expanded and inflamed and the trauma staff suspected he had been sodomized."
Xander says his injuries were because his "drunken body was lifted by his belt. causing my shorts to be my crotch area at which time I was told that I defecated on myself."
Was that last detail necessarily, Xander?