Monday, October 15, 2012

Ducks Will Take Over the World, And It's My Fault

I just learned I did a terrible thing in August.

It turns out, I made it more possible that ducks will take over the world, and become lords over humans.

How do I know? A 14-year old in New Zealand broke this story. According to the teen, same sex marriage could make it easier for ducks to conquer the world.  I got this from the deliciously sarcastic Gawker web site, who got the letter from the Canterbury, New Zealand Northern Outlook.
The fateful "ducks will take over the
world" letter from a New Zealand teen

Here's the logic, I think, but it's hard to follow our writer, Jasmin, 14 as she explains it. . "Ducks always nest in pairs, and if we allow same sex marriage, then the ducks will have evolved further than we have. Ipso facto, an Orwellian dystopia will emerge, with ducks more equal than us."

Meanwhile, the teen says, homosexuality will spread, and that will stop us from evolving like ducks are.

Well, at least Jasmin is getting a partial good education. The kid has heard of Orwell, and uses words like "dystopia," so that's a start.

Jasmin says, quite reasonable, that "I don't want my children to compete with ducks."

That would be terrible. Everybody knows ducks swim and fly much better than children.

The impeding takeover of the world by ducks is partly my fault, because, as regular readers of this blog know, I married the man of my dreams in August. I'm a guy, too, so I'm in one of those gay marriages that will lead to the ascendency of ducks.

I've been married nearly two months now, and so far, I have noticed few indications that ducks are plotting a world takeover. They seem to float around in ponds like they always do, quacking merrily. Then again, those dastardly ducks can be sneaky. They could be plotting the takeover while just playing stupid.

Come to think of it, are ducks behind the trend in recent years of "duck face?" Are they encouraging us to look like them as part of their evil plot?

Duck face, to the unitiated, is the tendency of some women to pump their lips so full of collagen that they end up resembling ducks. Or, failing the collagen, it's a practice by some young women to push their lips forward as much as possible to suggest, uh, suggestive pouting. It rarely works, is my guess.

Luckily there are rays of hope in Jasmin's letter. For one, it's inconsistent. The kid worries about ducks evolving ahead of us humans, but later in the letter she says she doesn't believe in evolution. So if evolution doesn't exist, how can those awful ducks evolve ahead of us? Jasmin leaves that question unanswered. Maybe we'll get a follow up from her to clear that up.

Of course, this letter might have just been a joke. Somebody writing something so off the wall it was bound to get attention. So in that regard, it succeeded.

Jasmin, the letter writer, says she is homeschooled, which raises that stereotypical red flag about homeschoolers being wacko cranks who want to prevent their  kids from being "exposed" to evil things like truth and science and inquiry and facts.

Facts are evil, after all. Satan invented them. Look it up.

It's too bad, really. My understanding is that homeschooling actually works great for some people and homeschooled kids often turn out well balanced and highly educated.  But the people who homeschool kids like Jasmin kill thatr reputation, don't they?

I did like this response to Jasmin's letter. The guy took the time to explain things, and not be too nasty. Like I'm being, for instance. 

The guy who wrote Jasmin points out that there are gay ducks. Or at least ducks who engage in homosexual behavior from time to time.

Now we're really in trouble, if you live in Jasmin's world. Imagine being ruled by tyrannical gay ducks?

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